Control The Uncontrollable // The Acolyte

71. Still Learning

The silence were painful between you and your friend. From one boiling mess to another, you and Elzar had tried to balance the universe. It had just begun to dawn upon you that it was first now, the two of you had a chance to speak together and now that you finally had the chance, you were out of them. Not knowing what to say or do with yourself.

"I'm sorry-" You began, but he stopped you.

"Don't, don't do that," Elzar spoke up.

His eyes gazed upon you. You swallowed. This felt sore, like you were digging into a wound, stirring it around. Bell was right, you did have feelings for Elzar, but you weren't sure what those emotions truly were anymore. You knew what you felt was strong, but you lacked a way to explain it. Your hand brushed your neck, anxiously. It was the first time in a long, long, long time you weren't wearing your Jedi robe. Your back leaned up against the cold stone walls. Elzar stood in the middle of your room.

It had been weeks since you had left Qimir, and you had spent every day since then in front of the council, first to secure the imprisonment of Vernestra Rhow, and then sharing what you had learned over the past year with the council. Every detail out in the open.  Secrecy was no longer an option you chose to live with, but you kept one thing in the dark.

Your connection to Qimir. Details between you did not need to be shared. The wise ones could perhaps understand the connection between the two of you without hearing the words fall from your lips. Only if they dared to see between the layers of the light. Elzar did. He always saw through you, he understood you better than you understood yourself at times.

"Are you going to tell me what the ring around your neck means?" He asked, pulling you out of your own thoughts.

You suddenly gasped for air, as your hand began to fickle with the ring, you had hanging on a golden chain. Your eyes grew as you looked up at him. You had gotten so used to having it attached to you, that you no longer even thought of it. It felt like it was a part of you. It had been tucked under your robes for weeks, no one had seen it, not until now. Elzar asked, but you knew he had his own ideas in his head.

"Qimir gave it to me," You whispered. Slowly, you walked over to your bed and sat down.

He nodded, clearly processing your words. His head was spinning as he walked over to you and sat down beside you. You felt his eyes on your neck as he studied the ring. It was a moon crystal on the golden ring. The gold complimented your skin, Elzar had to admit it.  It was almost a shame that you had to hide it. It was beautiful, it was you.

It was also his, to you.  So it naturally would have a meaning, nothing between you and Qimir did not have purpose. It was an insane drift between the two of you. He looked down at the ground. You could masquerade your emotions all you wanted, but Elzar had sensed the light in you. It was good, seeing it. Knowing the light were you. He wasn't the only one who had seen it, your confidence had grown.

"The beauty of the moon," Elzar whispered, leaning into the wall. You looked back at him, frowning. Surprised by his comment. You nodded weakly, before you leaned back into the walls.

"It's finale then? A forever?" He mumbled, looking over at you.

Your hand let go of the ring, as you're it fell down to the mattress, accidentally landing over his hand. Finale? Forever? It was such big words. Forever? Why did Elzar need to use such big words? He made it sound like an imprisonment, which it shouldn't feel like. Perhaps it was the fact that you were apart from each other. You didn't have Qimir here to remind you of your love. It felt you were longing for a fantasy, not something real.

Your eyes fell down to your hands. If you only liked Elzar the same way, life would've been so much easier. But at one point you had to admit to yourself, you did not have those emotions for him. It was only a desire, and it was clear what the order said about desires - they were not healthy. It was not good enough to wish you liked Elzar, when the matter of fact was that you didn't. You looked up at the man, your other hand brushing his cheek.

"He is my hope," You whispered, smiling weakly, admiring his eyes.

"So why is he not here?" Elzar asked, brutally bringing you back to reality.

"I can guide him out of the dark, but he has to take his own steps into the lights," You leaned into the wall, studying his grace when you suddenly noticed him frowning, like he was displeased by your answer.

"What was that? Why are you frowning?" You frowned back, just as confused by his reaction tilting yourself away from the wall.

Elzar leaned his head to the wall, and smirked as he removed your hand from his cheek.

"Isn't it a bit hypocritical of you insn't it?" He asked, looking out into the air.

You turned your whole body towards Elzar in the bed, your legs in a triangle. Staring into his face. What was he on about? Trying to school you again, for how you should treat Qimir? Yes, Elzar might have a bit more experience in the love department, and yes he had helped you realise how much you truly liked Qimir in the past, but Elzar was a Jedi Master, not a Master of Love.

"What do you mean?" Your tone was sour, not desiring to be schooled, but realizing that it was probably what the conversation was heading towards.

"None of us became Jedi alone... We had our teachers... our books... our Masters, a whole community to learn from each other," His eyes were scanning you as he spoke. You crossed your arms, clearly not enjoying this.

"Qimir is alone on an island, which he has spent years with his Sith Master on... I think it's just a bit naive to think its something he should have to go through alone... We didn't" Elzar stated.

You felt your heart drop at the realization of his words, of what he meant. He thought that Qimir should be here, with you. Elzar was insane, and many would argue over the top welcome to strange traditions and people, but his heart being open for a Sith apprentice to step on to the golden floors of the temple, was more insane than you had thought.  You stood up and began walking back and forth in the room. Something you had found yourself doing more than you wished lately. Elzar laughed as he stood up, his hands landing onto your crossed arms, forcing you to stop. He looked down at your big glowy eyes.

"Hey, relax it's just my opinion," He said, trying to comfort you, but you shook your head.

"No, but your right... He also knows a lot more about the darkside of the Holocron, he could grow and be helpful to the order, it's a win win," You commented frustrated that you hadn't thought of it before. Guess this is why you should have friends.

"Stellan would accept it, under certain conditions of course," Elzar nodded. You weren't used to hearing Master Gios on first name basis, not unless you have had a few too many poisonous drinks in their company. Elzar was close to Master Gios, so it made sense.

"They would need to pick him up, not me... they need to see he is coming willingly, without me" You stated.

You looked out in the room at your books. It would be good to have him here, hear his voice. You smiled a little by the thought. Somehow, you worried. Why would he come here after everything that had happened to him. This place was the root for so many problems for him. The question became - would love be enough?

"I don't think he would want to come," You whispered low, shaking your head.

Elzar looked down at your eyes. They were filled with sadness. You didn't believe Qimir would come, but Elzar believed differently. Of course, it would be difficult for Qimir to be here, but why wouldn't he come if he knew you were here. Elzar smiled weakly as he hugged you tight. He could feel your worries on his chest. He swallowed his pride, as he kissed the top of your head.

"You don't know what a man will do for love," He whispered.