Control The Uncontrollable // The Acolyte

44. An Understanding

The Force is a paradox. It empowers and imprisons. It destroys and unites. It binds the galaxy together and tears people apart. It has a will...but needs a commander.

Old words from his new teachings echoed through Qimir's mind. The words reminded him that nothing happened out of luck. The only reason why he was able to sit here, admiring you from a far, was because he had taken charge. You had been here for two days now, but you had been nothing but quiet. He couldn't even hear you in the force. He had let you walk around the island in peace, but from time to time, he would accompany you from afar. He feared for you, not of you, but for you. Your mind seemed different from before. You seemed at peace. An emotion most Jedi worked to achieve. But it felt like too much. You were too calm, too at peace. He worried about you.

The wind brushed your hair gently. The sun tickled your beautiful skin. The green grass, you sat in, hugged you in a comfortable blanket. He wished this picture of you to never disappear. You meant more to him, than he was ever going to be able to communicate, he could only try. He did not one lose you. What would the darkness be, without its moon? He didn't even want to think about it.

"Y/n?" He asked, his voice soft.

You didn't look at him, your eyes just kept staring into the deep oceans. He wished he knew what you thought.

"I need to tell you something," this felt like the right moment, he knew you were listening, even if your eyes weren't at him.

Qimir swallowed, he knew you were going to hate him for this.

"I sensed your emotions, when the padawan lifted her blade," His voice got hoarse.

Sitting 3-4 meters away from you, already made it difficult to see your face. You didn't move, and you didn't flinch. He was used to your normal Jedi code, lacking in emotions, but you had entered a whole new stage. At times, when he looked up at your face, he was even unsure if you were mentally here or if you were mediating. His hands formed into fists.

"You were ready to die," He struggled to say the words. He didn't want to believe in them himself. It didn't make them any less true.

Qimir memory went back to the nightmare on Naboo. He had followed you, since the second he noticed you left Courscant. He knew where you were going thanks to you not taking of the tracker he had planted there. Little did he know what your intentions were on Naboo. You had come with a man, a Jedi unfamiliar to himself and greeted... Vernestra. From what he could see in the shadow, it didn't seem like a warm welcoming. You sneaked a way, and helped a helpless Jedi from the hands of who he had now learned to be Tasi, the padawan of your old friend Yord. The one you had asked for his help.

Yet, Qimir made the choice to stay in the shadow. He believed in you. This could be the day you finally turned. All you had to do was strike her down, and you had all the right in the galaxy to be mad at her. She was attacking your padawan, something you hadn't told Qimir that you had, but he could see it from far away. The way you spoke to him, soft, but so clear. The love you gave him, making sure he was safe. It was not common in the Order to see a Master with such compassion. A part of him longed to know how it would've been to have a Master like you growing up.

After this, everything went wrong. You put down your lightsabers, and tried to speak to Tasi's empathy. Her humanity. It was the honorable thing to do. The right act. A Jedi in full awareness of her duties, leaving her heart on the line rather than fighting. But, it was not the way to survive. Qimir knew darkness more than most, and Tasi was beyond sanity. It's no going back from her state, and he knew that, because he himself had gone further. It's a rewarding place to be, to feel, to not restrict yourself, simply act. You fought her, but as everyone knows, rage is stronger. She had locked you in, and he saw you reaching out for the force, for a second he believed the moment was here. You were strong enough to take her down. Then, he sensed it. You were at peace. You were fine with letting go.  That was the moment Qimir knew you were in trouble.

Never had he risen from the shadows faster. Ah, he could still feel the life of the padawan escape from his fingers. It felt good. Tasi was so small, like a little bug in the force, so easy to remove. It was pleasurable, taking her life. No one was allowed to hurt you, or as much as touch you. Trying to take you away from him... He tightens his jaw. It felt good putting that lightsaber in her. Disgusting ant.

Then there was you, and his heart beat for you. At times, even far apart from the galaxy, he felt like he could hear your heart. The thought of you being okay with leaving, it was drowning his mind. He had gotten so comfortable having you on his mind, he feared the emptiness of you leaving. Distance he could survive, but you gone...

"I know the Jedi, they speak about not fearing, be at peace... But it's nothing honorable in death, honor can only be felt if you're living, and you have to fight for it," Qimir was frustrated by the Jedi doctrine. He stared out into the ocean. You were manipulated, fooled to not fight for yourself. He tried to calm himself down.

"I never want you to feel that way again," he whispered.

He could feel your head turning, as his eyes met your gaze. They didn't say anything. No emotions.

"Isn't life it's self an attachment?" You mumbled.

Qimir didn't understand what you meant by your question.

"We hold in to our lives, desperate to live," Your mind was wandering, to an unknown place. A smile grew on your lips.

"Isn't it freedom, letting go?" You asked.

Qimir lifted his eyebrow. He didn't feel any wiser. Maybe this was some new Jedi lies they had been feeding you, that he had yet to learn about. He couldn't help but feel frustrated, he didn't understand you, how you could possibly feel that way about your own life... about him.

"I just don't understand why you would be okay with leaving" Qimir didn't like to say it loud. It made the whole situation come back to him. It angered him.

"I didn't want to leave," You said, frowning.

Qimir was confused, he felt it-

"I just didn't want to take someone's life over mine," You smiled weakly.

It was like your words hit him in his stomach. He had looked at this wrong. Sometimes, he forgot how pure your heart was. Yes, you had begun to play your little games within the order, but still, deep down you were just Y/n. A girl he had fallen madly for. You saw everyone, felt everyone. You tried to help everyone, even the ones that betrayed you. Why? Because you believed it was the right thing to do. It was like you had told him. You never chose the light side, because you believed it to be easy or for a person. You chose the light side, because it's what you believed in. 

Unlike him, you wouldn't know how to live with yourself after taking someone's life. He couldn't bear the thought of someone taking your life. It was almost poetic how tragic it was.

Qimir began to smile weakly. Maybe this was a start at better understanding each other.