Control The Uncontrollable // The Acolyte

34. Guilt

You hugged Yord tight to your chest, and held him quietly there five...ten minutes. You could feel Qimir's presence disappear. Slowly, your breath got steadier. Tasi, Tasi, oh, you had to find Tasi. You couldn't save Yord, but you could find her, make sure she  went home to Coruscant. That's what Yord would've wanted. You stood up, almost tripping on your feet as you looked out at the crowd. She wasn't here.

For hours, you drove around on the speeder searching for her. You had even started to  ask surrounding neighbors if they had seen here, but she was nowhere to be found, still, you could feel her in the force. She was still here, alive on this planet. At some point, you were also beginning to worry your mind was making up things. Feeling her in the force, and wishing you could feel someone within the force, were two wildly different things.

You needed to inform the temple. You needed help. You needed to call, but Qimir had cut all the signal posts in your area. You drove back to the town. Normally in a crisis, we would've reported to the local government of the planet, but due to the circumstances you knew you should reach out to the order first. They would not want local communities spreading rumors of dead Jedi across the galaxy.  You got the message sent out, with coordinates, before you drove back on the speeder.

You walked back into the house for the last time alone, and looked around you. You wished so badly you could go over to them, give them an honorable grave, but you knew that The Order would wish to see the place in its natural state.  You sat down with Yord beside you, your fingertips running up and down his hand, like he used to play with your hand.

"I am so sorry," You whispered, when you suddenly felt something harder on his wrist.

You rolled up the sleeve, when you immediately felt tears pressuring through. It was your kyber Crystal, tightly wrapped to his arm like a wristband. For months the two of you had been on ice fronts, and even then, he chose to carry you with him until his last moment. The guilt was eating you up alive. You should've talked to him. You were always way better at speaking than him. Of course, he was just waiting for you, he had no ill intent. You were the one holding the grudge. It was your fault. You could hear the ships come closer. You looked down at Yord, untied the wristband and put it in your pockets as you walked out to greet whoever the Order sent.

Walking out, was Elzar Mann and Vernestra Rhow.

In other words, one judge and one... friend. With them, a larger team to help. Usually you would smile as you greeted another Jedi, but this was not one of those days. They had gotten your message, they would understand. A simple nod said enough today.

"We came as quickly as we could when we got your message," You sensed a great worry in Elzar voice.

"Please Jedi Knight Y/n tell us through what happened," Vernestra said, always going straight to the point.

You took a step to the side, as you began to lead them towards the house. Never before had you been more relieved they couldn't sense or read your mind. A storm was building up inside of you. It was no chance of you informing Vernestra of your... situation with Qimir. You could not tell them the truth, not all of it. In your mind, you were going through all the different variations you could tell them, what to cut out, what to include.

"I was in town, doing my morning check, when I sensed a great disturbance in the force. When I came here, it was already too late," You explained before you opened the door for them. Lies were required to get out of this alive.

Elzar heart sank, this was man slaughter. He could feel their death, still fresh in the air. He looked back at you. Selfishly of him, he was grateful you were not in the house when this happened. Losing you, would've been a great loss for the force. Your head was down, staring at the ground, with your leg shaking.

"I haven't been able to found Tasi, Yord's padawan, I scanned the whole planet," You informed them.

"Okay, we will-" Vernestra began, but you couldn't hold it in any longer.

"When I came here, Yord was still alive," You whispered.

You didn't need to look up to know that you got both of their attentions.

"The Stranger, he wanted me to see... He wanted me to see Yord...die," You whispered.

"This was personal," Vernestra's voice was cold, but you could sense her distaste of you in her voice.

This was worse than what Elzar had expected. He knew about you and Qimir's personal history. You might not have an attachment, but he definitely did have one to you. Elzar straighten up, when he suddenly noticed some marks on your neck, that you clearly tried to hide. Those marks were not fighting marks. You were lying to them. He swore under his breath. He looked up at Vernestra and plastered a fake smile upon his face.

"Can I borrow Y/n for a moment," He asked Vernestra, who gave him a short nod in approval.

You frowned, as you watched him turn around. He went from having a smile on his face, to colder than stone, as he grabbed your hand, forcing you out with hi. Elzar was never hard to read. He always wore his heart on his sleeve. You sensed a great disappointment in him, almost anger. We dragged you far from the house, more than far than enough to have a private conversation. It told you that this was not going to be a pleasant conversation. He turned around, almost causing you to crash into him by how robotic his moves were. He couldn't even look at you.

"Take off your scarf," His voice was cold.

You shut your eyes.

No, no, no you could not... Elzar would never understand. You had made one massive mistake. It could've happened to anyone. You were drunk, it clouded your mind, your judgement. Okay, so that might count as two if you included the drinking. One promise you had already given yourself, was to never drink again. If your mind had been sharp, you would've known that Qimir wasn't just some fever dream. You would've read him. Understood what he was here to do. Yord would've been alive.

"I give you one more chance, take off your scarf," he demanded.

You shook your head. You couldn't get yourself to do it. Like a block was built into you, prohibiting yourself to reveal yourself in front of Elzar. Suddenly you felt Elzar hand reach for your scarf, when you immediately grabbed his hand.

"No!" You shouted, your eyes darkened.

You were too loud. Other Jedi by the house turned their heads. Elzar felt the war inside your mind. He turned his face towards the house, giving them a short smile to show them the two of you were fine. He stepped closer to you, blocking the view the people by the house had to you. His eyes wandered to his hand, with yours at the top. Elzar knew what he had seen, he needed you to understand the weight of it. This you couldn't run away from. Finally, he could feel your hand loosen on his wrist, allowing him to remove the scarf.

Blood bruises, from under your chin to your shoulder. The force knows how much was hidden underneath your clothes. Elzar felt ill. This was not light, this was brutal. This was signs from someone wishing to leave a mark. Wishing for people to know you were his. This was about ownership. It was nothing kind about this. Only cruelty. He could already smell the hint of liquor on you. The man had taken advantage of you. Elzar's hand shaped into a fist holding into the fabric.

"Never lie to me again," Elzar warned you.

"I couldn't tell Vernestra, she-she-she would," Your eyes watering looking up at him.

"She would what?" Elzar lifted his voice at you.

"Throw me out of the order!" You hisked, almost out of breath.

"Do you even think you deserve to be in it right now?" He laughed, confused.