The Deal

Chapter Fifty Five

                                 •:Hopeless:•

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Is it possible to die from staring into space too long?

My eyes haven't left the blank openness of my room in I don't know how long. Filling with tears that drain down my cheeks until another thought triggers them to overflow again. It feels like rough ceramic plates scraping together every time my chest dares to rise and fall. My nerves tremble beneath my skin as if they're seizing. I can't think of anything except the poison filled words that brought me so much pain and took so much joy from me yet I was the one pulling the strings.

The worst part about pain is that your brain acknowledges it, your body endures it. Both in suffering from the cause and aware that losing the life they hold would be all so much easier yet your heart still beats through it all.

How sick is mother nature for that?

I've cried, sobbed, dug a razor blade so deep into my flesh that blood saturated my pant leg. I haven't eaten since he walked out that door. Aria forced water down my throat and Haley brought me the last of her candy in hopes it just might do the trick. But instead it still sits on the edge of my nightstand where she left it. That was the storm, now is the calm and that's the worst part. There's no more tears left to cry, your body has run dry. Your throat can't scream any longer or it'll collapse in on itself. Your brain gives up trying to process it all and your left in a blank state or stillness, staring into space.

Rafe became my home and I miss my home. This isn't home, this is four fucking walls and familiarity. That man owns my soul and every aspect of my of my being. He's tied ribbons of himself in every fold and corner of my brain. His existence is traced into every ounce of my blood.

I know I can't live without him. Not properly. I finally came to that conclusion when he walked out that door and my chest squeezed so tightly I panicked that I might actually die. Broken hearts are a real and they fucking hurt.

He's not the same Rafe that tormented me and fed off of my pain. He's changed and I know that. But reaching for him back would be like sticking my hand into a furnace and hoping I won't get burned.

He'd never forgive me.

I knew my brain would betray me when someone got too close and not only would it self destruct but it would also send the person I love most up into flames and it did. My only mistake was not stopping it sooner for Rafe's and my own sake.

I love him. I'm finally mature enough to admit that.

I love him, but I can't have him and that is the most sickening reality I'll be forced to exist in and maybe that's why I've been kissing other people. And letting them use me like a cheap whore.

There's no other explanation for such violent self destruction.

Every touch, every irreversible action, every use.. All trying to cover up the language that's been carved into my flesh by the chisel of Rafe's existence.
But nothing seems to erase him. It's been close to two weeks since I watched him walk out the door. Two weeks since i've seen him, or heard his voice.

I haven't heard much about him either and I've tried not to ask. Sarah had said he'd left town with Liam a while ago but I'm not sure if they're still gone. Sarah hasn't been able to get ahold of him. It seems unlike Liam to leave Addy for so long being that he follows her around like a lost puppy these days. But I could also see him making an exception for Rafe.. Is that what it is? Did he leave town because of me?

Can I blame him? I hate what I said, everything I did. And I fucking hate myself even more.

Even worse Rafe is no where to be found and he's the only one who can help us.. The pogues more so being that I've been MIA during almost all of this treasure hunt, gold search. But none the less they're my friends and whatever they're going through, so am I. I just wish I wasn't the cause of all of this.

Maybe Wards actions aren't to blame me for but Rafe leaving is and that's our only hope and solution right now.

How are five teenagers supposed to combat the richest most prominent man on the island. Shoupe will laugh in our faces if we try and explain we found the royal merchant, and the gold let alone that Ward stole it from us.. John B is at the Sheriffs office now pleading to speak with Peterkin.. She may just believe us and she may be our last hope since I'm not even sure Rafe would help us. He'll protect Sarah, she's his sister but he owes nothing else to the pogues to fight his father and he hates me more than if dog shit was smeared on the bottom of his shoe.

My hands tremble as my phone vibrates in my lap, sending my heart sputtering erratically. Adrenaline surges threw my veins, coiling nausea into the pit of my stomach. Swallowing down the lump in my throat as Sarah's name displays across the screen and I shakily try to answer it. My body radiating enough nervous energy to blow up a generator.

I've been helplessly sitting here, waiting for any news. Racking my brain over any options, any ideas..any help I can lend but all I've found is a reminder that I'm as useless as a piece of paper trying to stop a tsunami right now.

Useless, Worthless.
I hate myself

And I hate that through this whole thing, Rafe is still the heaviest weight in my chest. My friends are in trouble with no help and my brain is still selfish enough to echo the pain of Rafe's absence.

"Sarah" My voice cracks as I pull the phone to my ear. The surface warm to the touch from being pressed against my thigh. "Tell me she's going to help us"
"She didn't say much, there's not much she can do with no proof and right now we have nothing" Her voice is soft and somehow still brushes my sizzling nerves light a feather.
"She said she'd talk to my dad" I can hear the skepticism in her voice about that plan. She's right. There's no proof. No proof it's ours..No proof Ward stole it. Nausea bleeds through me strangling any oxygen left in my blood stream, hurling my stomach into a ball and I slam my hand over my mouth feeling it tighten. Bile climbs up my throat leaving a bitter taste on my tongue from my stomach acid. There's nothing else to throw up.

"Rafe?" I question. My voice almost cracking under the pressure of the tightest in my throat.
The adrenaline now a hurricane swirling through my nervous system waiting for her answer.

"He hasn't responded. I'll try Liam again" She tells me and shoulders slump. Disappointedly exhausted with that answer.

Peterkin has always helped us. She's always sided with the pogues when Shoupe didn't even bother listening to us and would only rule the kooks out as right or not even give us a chance to explain before throwing us in the back of his patrol car.
I know she'll at least do what she can.

But Rafe is the only one powerful enough to do anything about it.

Hey guys! I know..I know.. I'm getting ready for work but I will post on the chat board later. I had a whole chapter written instead of this but so much time passed that when I started writing again. I changed my mind and where I wanted it to go. This is a shorter chapter but it's still essential to the story line, making this part longer would just go on and on.

Next Chapter: The Absence Of You

But I hope you're excited that there's something! I am going to start working on the next one tonight and yes I will be continuing Bruises as well.

Like I said I'll post more of an explanation for being away later.

But I'm back!

Thanks for reading, don't forget to comment and vote!💗