ONNAXOFF

Chapter 47

Jessie

TWO AND A HALF MONTHS AGO

It takes me far too long to drag my heavy suitcase up the steps outside my apartment building. At one point, I almost get it to the top before the handle slips out of my clammy hands, and it slides back down to the bottom of the steps.
I stare blankly at the demonic yellow suitcase. I should leave it here. What is in it anyway? Some clothes, I think. Crap I bought in Europe? Try as I might, I can't focus enough to remember any of the stupid items I purchased.
No. I brought it this far. I am not giving up on it now. Just two more minutes. A quick elevator ride, approximately 10 steps to my door, key in the lock, a quick twist and I'll be in the comfort of my apartment.
"Hey Jessie!" A bearded middle aged man calls out as I walk into the building. Qasim.
As usual, he's wearing black from head to toe. Despite the fact that the man always seems dressed for your funeral, he's one of my friendliest neighbours, continually going out of his way to make conversation. On any other day, I'd love to stop and indulge his chatter, asking him about his wife and his little twin girls, but this morning, I can't trust myself to hold it together for long enough.
"It's been forever since I saw you last! Where you been, girl?" He says cheerfully as I stride past him to the elevator.
"Europe." I answer shortly, hitting the button to call it.
The red LED-lit number above the door takes an eternity to switch from 9 to 8.
He closes his mailbox and walks over to me. 7... 6
I tap my fingers on the baggage handle impatiently. 5
I wonder if I could haul this suitcase up the stairs. 4... 3
"Hello? Earth to Jessie." He waves his hand in front of my face.
"What?" I look up and focus on his smile.
"I said, how was it? Did you enjoy the trip?"
"Yeah."
"Did you travel around the continent, or just stay in one place?"
The doors slide open and we step in.
"Travelled around."
For a few seconds, I think he's taken the hint, and abandoned his cross-examination, but then he speaks again.
"Hey, is everything okay?"
"Uh huh." I nod without looking in his direction.
"You sure? You seem a little quiet this morning."
The doors sweep open on my floor, and I practically fall out.
"I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Say hi to the family." I call over my shoulder as I hurry away.
I drag the suitcase the last little distance to my apartment, twist the key in the lock and walk into my empty home.
As I close the door behind me, whatever energy supply I was using is switched off.
I slump to my knees, and the sobbing begins.

__________

I cry until I fall asleep. Not difficult, considering I only managed to sleep for about an hour and half in Abel's bed before I woke up, unable to pretend any longer.
Going to sleep is like getting into a time machine. You get to travel a few hours into the future, where some time has passed, and the situation is slightly different. Maybe it will have changed to something I feel I can handle.
I'm woken early in the evening to the sound of someone knocking on the door. I should have known he wasn't going to keep his promise to let me go. I curl up smaller on the couch, hoping that I can close my eyes and time travel into a future when he's given up.
My phone rings. From my position, I can make out Rose's display picture on the screen. I ignore it, but then her muffled voice comes through the door.
"Please open up. I just wanna talk to you. Please."
So it's not Abel. I still do not move an inch. My back aches from the awkward position I slept in, but I refuse to get off the couch even to stretch it out.
"I brought you muffins. Peach and cinnamon. Your favourite." Her sickly sweet tone just gives me more of a reason to ignore her.
"I know you're in there, Jessie. Open the door."
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm so sorry about everything."
I want to tell her to go away and leave me the fuck alone, but that would involve actually speaking to her. She'll give up soon.
My phone blows up with call after call from her, until I reach over and hold down the button to switch it off. Her soft knocks turn into firm thumps.
"I am not going anywhere until you open this door!"
After her many attempts to plead and sweet-talk her way in get no response, she gets frustrated and changes tactics.
"Fine. We'll just talk like this then. You know, this isn't all my fault. How was I supposed to know you'd get so pissed off about this, when you make it seem like you don't give a shit about anything?"
Her twisted logic is what finally gets me to sit up and listen.
"You used to always act like 'Oh, I'm Jessie. I sleep with whoever I want. I don't get attached. I don't care.' Like you're so cool and nothing bothers you, but that's not true, is it?" She yells. "You did care! Otherwise you wouldn't be so upset right now. You said you didn't care if Abel had sex with other people but yet here you are."
She doesn't understand anything. At least Abel had the sense to understand why I was mad at him.
"How dare you?!" I yank the door open, furious. Rose is sitting on the dirty hallway floor, her fist halfway to the next knock. "Are you that stupid? Do you really think I'm angry because he fucked someone else back before we were even in a relationship? No, Rose, I'm angry because he fucked you! And you both lied to me about it for months!"
She struggles to get on her feet, and I don't make a move to help her.
"You were one of the only people in this godforsaken world I thought I could trust! I fucking let myself care about you! I bought you that pregnancy test, remember? I sat with you when you were crying. I went through your options with you. I even fucking went to the doctor with you! And in all of that time, you couldn't have said "Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention this earlier, but I fucked your boyfriend so the baby might be his."?!
She stands there red faced and speechless.
"Rose, you're the closest thing to a best friend I have here and I thought... I thought you cared about me too."
"I do! It's just I had just broken up with Joe and I was drinking..."
"For fuck's sake, can you stop blaming this on alcohol, and the timing, and anything else you can think of? I'm so sick of your excuses. Just admit it, you fucked him because you wanted to."
"No..."
"Stop lying, Rose!"
"Okay! You know what? I did! I heard all the songs and the stories and thought 'Hmm, I wonder if he's as good as he says. Maybe I'm missing out.' So I slept with him. But when I woke up alone, all I felt was regret. It was a mistake, Jess. I never should have done it. So I went into denial. I decided to pretend it never happened. And it worked. Until I found out I was pregnant, that is." She shakes her head ruefully. "Jessie, I..."
"None of this matters." I interrupt. "You really don't understand. I don't care about your thought process, or why you did it. It's too late for all that. I trusted you, and you lied to me."
"But I told you the truth in the end. Doesn't that count for anything?" Her voice wobbles.
Does it? There are so many thoughts swirling in my head, that it's impossible to focus on one and make a firm decision about how to feel.
"I don't know." I sigh. "All I know is, I want you to leave now."
"How can I leave when you hate me?" She sniffs.
"I don't hate you, Rose. Right now, I just want to be alone."
I close the door, and wait a few moments. Finally, there's no more knocking.
I don't realise that I'm crying again until I see my tear-stained face in the hallway mirror. There was a time when I couldn't remember the last time I shed a tear, and now I'm leaking all the damn time. I must have cried more this past year than the rest of my life combined. I collapse onto the couch.
With no cigarettes to keep my restless hands busy, I pick up my phone and twirl it. A few seconds later, I switch it on.
A text from Max, 24 missed calls from Rose, and nothing from Abel.
He must have woken up and seen my note by now. I wonder how he felt. Did he think it was some kind of messed up joke, and I was coming back any second? Did he shrug and toss it in the trash thinking 'oh well, I tried.'? Did he get mad, trash his room, set the note on fire? Did he get upset? I hope he's okay.
What have I done? Am I overreacting? Is it worth breaking up with him over something this stupid?
His name is the first one in my contact list and I tap it in a heartbeat, ready to dial his number.
But then I remember all the times he could have told me. All the times he looked me in the eye, and made the conscious decision not to tell me the truth.
He's not the person I thought he was.
He almost got me to stay last night. I almost believed him.
I put the phone down, and lie back on the couch.
I'm the stupidest person in the world. All the signs were right in front of me.
Rose and Abel just stopped talking to each other. She suddenly wasn't a fan of him anymore, and every time I brought her up, he would get this pained expression on his face. In retrospect, I guess that was the guilt.
I lied to Rose. I don't want to be alone. Being alone with my thoughts is too dangerous.
It's almost funny how the two people I would go to in order to distract myself are the two people I absolutely don't want to talk to right now.
I pick my phone back up, and open Max's text. It's a link to a Vine video, which I don't click.
Instead, I call her, and she answers with her usual "Uh huh."
"Max. Let's go out tonight. Anywhere you want."
"Fuck. I can't tonight."
"You can't?" I ask. That's a first.
"No." She offers no further explanation.
"Are you sure? I don't mind if we don't go to the club. We could go out to eat or something. Watch a movie? I really don't wanna stay home tonight." My voice catches in my throat. I curse myself for sounding so pathetic.
After a long pause, she lets out a heavy, possibly annoyed, breath.
"Come over to my place." She says.
"Okay... but I don't know where you live." I realise.
"I'll text you my address."