ONNAXOFF

Chapter 49

Jessie

Within thirty seconds of entering, it becomes clear that The Bump 'n' Grind is the kind of coffee shop designed to be the anti-Starbucks. With comfortable mismatched furniture, no fancy drink sizes, and R Kelly's Ignition remix blaring on the speakers, it's occupied by more early-rising hipsters than suited and booted employees from the nearby offices.

I choose a small table near the window and sink into one of the leather armchairs. The coffee here is great, but the service is non-existent. The heavily made up, bored girl at the counter swiped my credit card, and without so much as a glance in my direction, slid over my cup and droned "next."

I miss Liz, and her friendly bubbly chatter, but oh well. I'm going to have to get used to this place. There's no way in hell I can risk going back to my old haunt and running into Abel again. I shudder just from the thought.

I have no one to blame but myself though. I'm the one who kissed him.

There are no ands, ifs, or buts about it. Against every rational thought in my brain, despite the fact that we broke up months ago, despite the fact that I have a boyfriend who hasn't stopped texting me heartfelt apologies, despite the fact that I was angry enough to want to physically fight him, I kissed him.

He didn't even look like he wanted to, but I practically forced my tongue down his throat.

I bury my face in my hands, and wish the ground would open up and swallow my pathetic ass.

I'm a horrible person. I could lie to myself and blame it on the alcohol, but I've been much drunker than that in the past, without making out with anyone I didn't want to.

I have to tell Gabe. I broke up with Abel for withholding information he thought would hurt me. There's no way I can use that excuse. I'd be the biggest hypocrite of all time.

The only stopping me is the memory of his ice-cold expression after he saw Lamar's name on my phone. What if he gets angry again?

This is an absolutely dreadful situation, but the worst part: it didn't feel bad at all. Kissing Abel felt so right. So amazing. Even the instant replay on a constant loop in my head is enough to raise my body temperature by a few degrees. But it's not just the feeling of his hands on me that I can't shake. I also can't make his words leave my head. He knows just how to get under my skin, and stay there.

He seemed so sincere when he said he just wanted me to be happy. And I thought I was. But right now, I feel anything but.

I fulfilled all my resolutions. I've got my own apartment, a steady job, sensible hobbies, I've even been eating healthier. So why am I so unhappy?

Is that the price I paid to 'grow up'? Or am I still doing it all wrong? Whatever the reason, questioning it is causing cracks to form in my new lifestyle.

Yesterday, I even missed my Sunday rehab visit, for the first time since implementing my new routine. Daniel'd see right through my fake smile, and ask me what's wrong, imploring me to 'open up for once'.

I almost skipped work this morning too, but I don't need to give my boss any more reason to hate me.

To distract myself from the uneasy feeling, I flip through the newspaper I bought on the way here. I still haven't started reading the news articles, but the comic strips are usually fun to glance over. I find the right page, but before I can get into the little text bubbles, the large door is pushed open, and in walks none other than Hyghly.

I close my eyes and desperately hope I'm hallucinating, but no, he's really there. This is ridiculous. Toronto is too fucking big for an XO crew member to be in every café I visit.