ONNAXOFF

Chapter 39

Jessie

One more cigarette. I wordlessly communicate this to Abel, by offering him another one from the pack before putting it back in my jacket pocket. I light both cigarettes, cupping my hands to protect the flame from the harsh wind.
We puff away in silence, watching the smoke blend into the grey sky above us. 

We’ve been standing outside Daniel’s apartment building for almost 10 minutes. I could probably stand here for 10 more hours without mustering up the strength to go inside, but I’m well aware that Abel has an important rehearsal tonight. If I want him with me for moral support, we have to be done here by sundown. In two hours. 
“Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks, breaking the silence once he’s stomped out the final cigarette. 
“I have to.” I sigh. 
After bawling my eyes out last night, off-loading every last tear in my body, I stayed up most of the night, trying to figure out how to put myself back together. My previous strategy may not have worked, but I managed to convince myself that I was right to cut Daniel off. 
Brother or not, if the pros of having him in my life don’t outweigh the cons, then I’m better off without him. Even if that means I have to be sad for a while.

However, that doesn’t mean I get to pretend he doesn’t exist. As Abel neatly put it, while lying on the floor beside me, it’s not about ignoring the facts, it’s about accepting them.

Staring up at the ceiling, I went through the limited ones I currently have:

My brother is an addict.

He overdosed on heroin and almost died.

I’m done crying over him.

To be able to ‘accept the facts’, I have to know the rest, which means I have to see him one last time. I’ve got a few questions for him. The answers will determine if I ever let him back into my life, or if I finally let him go.

I start walking up to the front door, but halfway up the main steps, my legs freeze.

“Have you got any weed?” I spin around anxiously. “No, don’t answer that. That’s not a good idea.” I shake the thought out of my head. 
“I’ll be right next to you. I won’t say a word, unless you want me to.” Abel puts a reassuring hand on my back. He’s been doing that a lot lately. But I guess I wouldn’t know what else to do if I was in his position. 
“Okay.” I nod. After one last deep breath, I pull my hat down over my ears, and finish the tough climb up the steps.

_____________

When Daniel opens the door, it takes him a few seconds to stop staring and close his mouth. 
“JV!” He exclaims finally. He looks even worse than I imagined. The face of a car crash victim lying on a slab in a mortuary has more life than his does, and his shock at seeing me doesn’t help his pallid complexion.

He pushes the door all the way open to let us into his cramped apartment. 
“Abel.” He nods. Abel steps past him without even looking in his direction.

We stand awkwardly by the door while he hastily tidies the small apartment, clearing a few papers off the table and pulling open the drab curtains to let in some grey light.

His roommate, a quiet guy who always nods shyly at me before disappearing into his bedroom whenever I come over, is nowhere to be found.

“Please, sit down.” Daniel gestures to a kitchen chair before sitting down on the one beside it.
I take a seat on the opposite side of the small table, intentionally choosing the chair furthest away from him. As promised, Abel sits down on the one next to me, within easy reach.