Always, Snape

The man who haunted his dreams and nightmares

Harry spent the remaining holidays secluded in Snape's chambers. First the other man was occupied such actions would reveal their liaison but he soon realized there was no one who cared because almost everyone had left the castle which was rare. People knew hard and dangerous times were coming and therefore everyone wanted to spent Christmas with their loved ones at home. Harry didn't even have had a hard to time to convince his best friends to see their families over the holidays which would left him all alone. That means not as alone as one might think because he didn't plan to leave Severus rooms. He wanted to be snuggled next to his lover forever. Of course his professor complained as soon as he realized what the brat was doing but he gave it up quickly. Grimly he noticed how much he had grown used to Harry.

After the holidays when Harry had needed to return to Gryffendor tower they were close to finish the antidote which lifted Snape's usual bad mood a little but did the contrary with Harry. Snape noticed the student became more and more tense, stopped eating and was kind of restless. One evening as Harry had asked for the dozenth time when the potion would be ready the potionmaster had have enough. "Potter. What is your problem?" Harry shot him an anxious look before he fixed his eyes on the cauldron with the potion again. "I asked you something." Severus bit out. He hated when he was ignored. "Nothing." Harry said quickly as he realized the mood his professor was in. ""Then why do you keep asking when the potion is ready? You know it is ready. It just needs to be tested." Anger welled up inside Harry. "Why don't we just test it now. There are hundreds of turned deatheaters who are killing innocents. Why are we waiting?" Harry's voice cracked. "You know perfectly well it is to much of a risk to reveal ourselves now because if we fail our whole work will mean nothing." Severus said calmly. "There are people dying everyday just because we don't get our shit together." Harry shouted. "Why doesn't anyone do something but wait? I am sick of it. All we need is a snakeman to test it on."

"If waiting doesn't suit you we could test it on me." Snape offered soberly. Harry felt like he was hit in the face. "I don't mean you. Anyone but you." He groaned. "See? No you are the one who is unreasonable. Why should we wait at all? You can inject me the antidote now." Snape hissed. Harry glared at him annoyed. "You know you would die if I did that don't you?" He spat. "Of course, I do. Anything to atone to my sins." Snape sighed. Harry turned his head away. "I would never let you die. But if you would just let me help. I know the snakeman are trained to chase my scent. We could use this to figure out a plan to capture one and-" But Snape interrupted him quickly. "We have been through this already. It is just to much of a risk for you." Harry shot him a furious glare. "Why? Because I am the damn boy who lived? I don't care. I can't revive anyone who died for me. So to hell with it."

"I won't let you kill yourself."

"Why not?"

"Harry, you don't value your own live. You let me treat you like shit. You deeply crave it sometimes. And now you are angry because I forbid you to kill yourself. You need to gain reason again. Please, believe me what you are asking is insane." Severus tried to calm Harry. "So what? Maybe I am not sane because I am drawn to you who is obviously the greasiest git of all time. But there are hundreds of people dying because of me, just because I haven't killed Voldemort yet. We have the antidote. Why don't you let me do the right thing, dammit?" Severus let out another deep sigh. "That is just as well, Potter," said Snape coldly, "because you are neither special nor important, and it is not up to you to decide how to kill people properly."
"No- that's your job, isn't it?" Harry shot at him.
He had not meant to say it; it had burst out of him in temper. For a long moment they stared at each other, Harry convinced he had gone too far. But there was a curious, almost satisfied expression on Snape's face when he answered.
"Yes, Potter," he said, his eyes glinting. "That is my job."

After an awkward silence Snape said softly: Please, behave yourself and wait for orders."

"That's unfair. I want to help. If you could just permit it!" Harry said stubbornly.