Daddy Issues

85 - Fucked

A little over an hour. All this time my father lived only a little more than an hour away from us. I didn't even know she knew where he lived. She always told me she never heard from him again after he walked out. Apparently that was a lie.

It's been an incredibly uncomfortable car ride. She ignored my initial pleas to turn around and just drop me off in town. She also refused to tell he how she knows where dad lives or to listen to my apologies and explanations about how everything happened with Dan. So it's been mostly silence from the moment I gave up on trying to talk to her.

I contemplated jumping from the car but we've been on the highway without any stops so there hasn't been an opportunity. And of course, a part of me is curious. To see the man that left us over a decade ago and never looked back. I didn't think I ever would again.

I did desperately want to call Dan to tell him what the fuck is going on. And to ask him to come pick me up from wherever we're going because I don't think I'll be getting a ride home and I'm definitely not staying with my father. But as soon as I reached for my phone, Mom threatened to throw it out of the window if I tried to use it and I don't take that as an idle threat in the state she's in.

So I figured the best way through this would be to just let her take me to my father, apparently. I don't know what she's planning to do there exactly. Is she going to burst through the door and dump me inside of his house or will she just leave me on the curb and drive off?

Either way, as soon as she's out of sight, I'm calling Dan. I might be curious to see my father but I'm not going to ask him for any help. I don't even really want to talk to him. I mean, a part of me wants to. But not like this. Totally unprepared and in the state that I'm in. Dan will come and take me home. And then I'll just deal with the fact that I'll never see my mother again.

My heart races when she drives us into a suburban area. It's filled with nice, neat houses, not that different from our own. Is she really taking me to my father's house? I honestly can't really believe it. I was 12 when he left. What the hell has he been doing in the meantime? Would he even recognize me?

My stomach lurches when Mom pulls over in front of a nice, large house. A big lawn lies in front of it, the grass neatly cut. Could he really be in there? I turn to my mother to look at her.

'Is this where he lives?'

'Yes. Go ahead.'

'Mom-'

'I don't want to hear it, Emma.'

Her knuckles have turned white. A sign that she's holding the steering while a little too tightly.

'I tried,' she says. 'I tried to give you what you needed. But you always knew, didn't you? I didn't want you. I didn't love you. Maybe that's why you tried to ruin everything I had. Maybe I can't even blame you for it.'

'I didn't try to-'

'Stop it,' she says tiredly. 'Stop talking. We're done talking. I really liked Dan and you took him from me. I don't care how it happened. I don't care if you didn't mean for it to happen. You ruined it. So now I'm ruining it for you. Did you really expect me to wish you well and let you live happily every after together?'

'I really am sorry,' I say again. 'But I love him. You can't stop me from being with him.'

A tiny smile appears on her face when I say that. It scares the shit or of me. But then her face turns serious again.

'Go. He lives right there. See if he'll take you. Don't come back, Emma. There's nothing left for you there.'

That's what she said before and it kind of makes my skin curl because I don't know what she means. There's plenty left there for me. Dan's there. And so is Mel. She may have gotten me fired but maybe I'll be able to get my job back if I just explain everything. Not to mention all of my stuff is still at the house. I don't care what she says. Of course I'm going back. But I'll get there on my own. I'm not going to fight her on it now.