Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 10

I haven't moved and I haven't stopped crying. Everything just came flooding back to me so quickly. All those feelings. I miss Prim SO badly. And it's my fault she died, along with everyone else who died during the war. That was my fault. The whole thing. And Prim is gone. She would have been 14. She would have been so amazing. But she's dead. And I miss her more than anything in the world. I can't bare the pain. I can't even stand. I lay in my doorway, sobbing uncontrollably, shouting her name for no reason. Buttercup tries to cuddle up with me, but I smack him away. He misses her too though. I barley make out the noise of knocking on my door. I look at the clock and it's just before 1. I'm an hour late for lunch. I've been crying for three. 

"Katniss!? Are you home!?"

I don't reply and finally Peeta enters the unlocked door. I still don't move. I want to stop crying. I can't. 

"Katniss? Where are you?"

I hear him walking around and finally, his loud footsteps echo up the stairs. I curl up in a tight ball, hoping to just disappear out of the world forever. But I don't. And he sees me. I hear him sigh and I pick up my head just in time to see him run down the hallway and slide right in front of me. He doesn't ask any questions, but I feel his big hand lightly rubbing circles on my back. I still can't stop crying.

"Shhh shhh. It's okay Katniss. It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Shhh."

Peeta tries to soothe me and continues to rub my back as I lie on the floor, sending a warmth through my whole body. My tears soak the leg of Peeta's pants where my head is resting. When my body feels broken and my head pounds so hard I can't even hear his words anymore, I manage to lift my head and look at Peeta, who hasn't left my side for an hour. I notice the clock reads 2 o'clock now. He stops rubbing my back and I shiver, missing the soothing warmth that my body was craving. Peeta places his had on my forehead. 

"Katniss your burning!"

I feel sick, too. Everything hurts. My ears ring, my head throbs, and I feel myself sweating even though I'm freezing cold. Peeta sighs deeply and in one motion, he picks me up in his arms like a child. 

"Peeta, stop, go home. You don't have to do this. Really. Go home."

As I speak, my throat burns and words barley come out.  I suddenly feel awkward.  He shouldn't be doing this for me.  I owe him; he owes me nothing.  We're not close enough for this.  I don't want to let him help me.

"It's fine."

"No it's not. You don't have to do this. You don't have to take care of me."

"Shut up Katniss. There's no one else to do it, might as well be me."

And I do. I shut up and let Peeta carry me down the stairs as I cling to the collar of his shirt with both of my hands, letting my head rest on his flexed arm muscle.  I resent every touch, but I'm weak.  We pass a mirror on my staircase and I don't even recognize myself.  I look terrible. My eye are incredibly red and puffy. The rest of my face is white. My hair is tangled everywhere, barley in a braid still. Peeta gently lays me down on the couch and walks to my kitchen. When he comes back, I'm shaking from chills and crying again. I want Prim back. Peeta covers me with a blanket and puts a cold towel on my forehead. And he sits on the floor, his back to the couch I'm lying on, head level with mine, and I just stare at him as he plays with my hair. His crystal blue eyes are the last thing I see before cry myself into a surprisingly nightmare-free sleep. They're also the first thing I see when I wake up. He stayed with me. He didn't leave. He's the only one. 

~

As soon as I wake up, Peeta reaches to the table in front of us and hands me a cup of tea. 

"Here. Drink this. It'll make you feel better."

"Thanks. But you really didn't have to. You don't need to be here."

He ignores me and hands me 2 little blue pills.  Emotions churn inside of me and I feel uncomfortable at the thought of Peeta taking care of me yet again.

"Swallow."

I shut my mouth and shake my head like a little kid. 

"Katniss, take them. They're not the ones that give you nightmares. It's just to help with the fever."

I reluctantly swallow them with my tea. It feels so good on my throat. 

"Thanks, it was good."

"Sure. You hungry?"

My stomach is the only thing that isn't in pain, so I shake my head yes. Peeta gets up and leaves, but in a minute he's back with a basket of cheese buns. I can't help but smile. 

"You remembered that?"

"Yeah. It's kind if weird. Isn't it?"

I not and take a big bite out of the one that Peeta handed me. In between bites I say, "Peeta?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for staying."

"I don't mind taking care of you Katniss. I don't like seeing you sick. It's no big deal."

"No, that's not it. Thank you for staying here in 12 with me. Thank you for coming back. Thank you for not leaving, even when I refused to talk to you. Everyone else left me. But you didn't.  I'm so glad that were friends again though."

He just shrugs. And we're silent.

"Peeta?"

"Yes?"

"It's Prim's birthday."

"I know. You don't have to talk about it.  But I know that's what this is about."

"Oh, okay."

I finish my tea and go to get up to put it in the sink. But my legs are weak and I can't stand on my own. My head hurts and it spins as I try to step. I start to fall but before I hit the ground, Peeta slides over on his knees and catches me. He takes the cup out of my hand and I let my head rest in his lap as I look helplessly up at him. He grabs the blanket from the couch and lays it back over me.  I silently curse in my head for my inability to be without him right now.

"Go back to sleep." 

And I do.

When I wake up, the television is playing lightly and Peeta is sitting in the same position, palms to the ground, trying to get comfortable, not wanting to wake me. I sit up and this time, I can stand on my own. My body feels better, but my head still feels terrible. Peeta stands right next to me.

"Hey," he says.

"Hi," I say back.

We walk to the kitchen and Peeta asks if I want dinner. I say yes and he makes us soup with supplies in my pantry I didn't know I had. It's delicious. The clock now reads nine o'clock and I yawn as I take both of our bowls to the sink. Peeta gets up from the table and my head pounds again as I put it in my hands, resting my elbows on the counter top. He wets the cloth again and walks me to my room. I get right in bed and he lays it on my head right where it hurts. The pain subsides a little bit.

"Feel better. See you tomorrow. Okay?"

I don't speak. I feel like if I do, I'll cry. But I shake my head back and forth at him. And he gets it. He takes off his shirt and gets in bed with me. I curl up and put my hand on his chest. He reaches around me and rubs my back until I fall asleep. When I wake up. I feel better. The pain in my head is manageable. My fever broke over night. I don't feel like crying anymore. Peeta's awake too. He sits up and puts his shirt on as he test my head for fever. 

"Your cool. Good."

He stands up and heads for the door as I roll out of bed. Before he leaves he says, "Hey, you know they've been rebuilding a lot? Maybe do you wanna go for a walk around later? If you're feeling better?

I think about it but then I decide that I actually want to go. "See you at noon? We'll try lunch again?"

"Great," he says. And he leaves me to try to get ready for another day.