Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 21

Peeta's POV

I paint everything I see. I do it as quickly as I can, with a rushed hand, but even I know that every one comes out beautifully. I slept in the studio last night. I told myself I wouldn't come out. I don't trust myself yet. I don't trust myself to leave Katniss alone. She's with Gale now. She's happy. I'm hungry, but there's no chance I'm leaving. All day flashbacks fight to break the barrier into my mind. I fight back every one of them. I have to tell myself I'm strong. Emotionally strong, because I haven't felt so physically strong lately. Especially now. I force another false vision off, and before I can pick up my paint brush, I lean into the wall. My head spins for a second. I find myself fighting a battle between different sides of myself. And there's more than two. There's the Capitol mutt side, who wants to kill Katniss because I think she killed my family and broke my heart. There's the side that hates her for kissing Gale. There's the side that loves her, but wants to leave her alone for her own good. There's the side that is selfish enough to love her so much that I want her back. I don't know which side is the real me, and they all scream at each other inside my head. Sometimes out loud. I push up from the wall and paint again. I finish and, when a flashback doesn't surface, I allow myself to fall back asleep in the corner of the studio. And as my eyes flutter shut, I can feel myself breaking. Again. Again without Katniss.