Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 37

My eyes adjust to the lights as I take my seat next to Peeta, across from Caesar.  The cheers continue as Caesar announces,

“Ladies and gentlemen, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!”

I look out into the audience and smile until the roaring crowd becomes silent.

“It’s so great to see you again, and may I say that you both look ravishing,”

“Thank you, Caesar.  It’s good to see you too,” I say.

“So Katniss, Peeta, we’re all dying to know, what are your plans for the future?  Marrige?  Children?  Tell me.'

“Well Caesar, I haven’t given it much thought myself, considering I’m only 18,” I respond carefully.

“And what’s on your mind, Peeta?” Caesar asks.

“I’m just taking it day by day.  No plans yet.  I don’t really need any.  I don’t even need to know what’s happening an hour from now as long as I know that Katniss will be there with me.”

A collective “aww” sounds from the crowd and I feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

“And your families?”  Caesar asks.

“How are they?  Katniss, we all remember your sister, how you volunteered for her.  Is she with you today?”

Prim.  Why would he know that she’s dead?  He wouldn’t.  I couldn’t expect him to.  I look at Peeta, whos eyes reflect the pain I feel.  He wants to help.  But he can’t.

“My mom works at a hospital in District 4.  I think that she is just fine.  And yes, my sister, Prim.  She’s not here today.  She passed away during the war.”

Silence.  So I continue.

“She was just like my mother.  She would have made a great doctor.  She was already working as a medic for the rebels at age 13.  She was only 13 and she was already so wise.  During the war, she was certainly stronger, smarter, than I was.  And I would trade anything, including my own life, to have her back.  I miss her so much.”

I feel a tear roll down my cheek ever so slowly and the atmosphere in the stadium is so heavy it's as if I can feel it weighing on me. I look to the audience, but I don't smile this time. And I turn my head to Peeta, who looks at heart broken as I feel, but somehow still manages to comfort me just by wrapping his hand around my waist and pulling me closer to him. But I don't let anymore tears spill. I can't. I look weak.

"I'm so sorry, Katniss," is all Caesar can say.

"And Peeta, I'm afraid to ask you the same question."

"They're all dead. They died in the bombing of District 12, or that's what I was told, I think."

I look to him and nod my head, confirming the fact that is still not clear in his mind. When his family died, he was already a prisoner of the Capitol's, his brain being tampered with as a weapon to use against me. And, like I assume he did for me, I feel all of his pain and loss. Is this what happens when you love someone? If so, I'm not sure how Peeta and I do it. Between the two of us there's more than enough losses to go around. It's close to everything we had, except each other. As if reading my mind, Caesar asks his next question.

"You've both seen so much suffering, so much violence and death. But you seem strong despite it. What's your secret? Tell us how you both were able to manage after returning home."

"Our secret to staying strong?" Peeta asks.

Caesar nods.

"Well then, that's easy. There's no secret. Obviously we have you fooled here, because neither of us are strong despite it. We're broken because of it. And the only reason I was even able to manage going back home was because of her. I wouldn't be alive without her, and I don't just mean the fact that she's physically saved my life many times. After the war, I would have let myself die. There would have been nothing to live for if not for the hope that I could go back to District 12 and even just be near her again to make sure she was okay."

Peeta put it beautifully, but I still try to add something to the conversation. I can't leave here without letting the rest of the world know that I love him, because he's told them so many times. So I try to make my words as fluid and touching as Peeta's.

"And we can sit here and argue and try to count who physically saved whos life over and over again, but we'd never get anywhere. After my trial when I went home, I couldn't bring myself to do anything. I had no desire to be alive. That's not strong. That's broken. The only reason I'm here today is because Peeta managed a miracle. And he continues to do it over and over. He gives me hope that my life will go on every single day. And my secret is just that..."

I trail off and my voice shakes a little bit with nerves.

"It's that I love him so much that it makes everything else that's happened seem bearable."

I let a smile form on my lips as I speak that last sentence. The crowd doesn't react at first. But when Caesar says,

"That was beautiful. So touching, the both of you. Thank you."

The people in the audience, Capitol people, born and raised to respect nothing but President Snow and his authority, begin to silently raise three fingers in the air for Peeta and I as a salute to us.

My smile widens as I make eye contact with Peeta, who's also smiling. And all I could think of in this moment is how handsome he looks, and how much I love him.

"Go on," says Caesar.

We both look at him questioningly.

"Kiss," is all he tells us.

And I obey, because in this moment, even in front of people and cameras, I want to kiss him. And when I do, the crowd starts screaming again, louder than the first time. And when we both shake hands with Caesar and walk off stage, I can still hear the applause in my ears and I can still feel the sparks on my lips.