Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 19

Peeta's POV

I stumble back inside and shut the door. What the hell is he doing here? They were kissing. Her lips were on his. I'm going to lose her. I already have. She's better off with him. And suddenly, I remember seeing them kiss before. I blink twice. I see the images flash across my mind. Shiny. It wasn't real. I'm sure of it. The memory even looks manufactured. The room starts to spin, but I can still see.

"Focus," I tell myself.

I hold tight to the back of the chair at my kitchen table. My eyes squeeze shut.

"Focus," I tell myself again through clenched teeth.

And when I open my eyes, it's gone. I let out a breath. The flashback is gone, but I know what I saw before it was real. I shouldn't feel like this. I'm letting her go. I can't harm her anymore, not if she's with him. But I love her. I love her so much it hurts. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I feel numb as I walk up 2 flights of stairs. I pull down on the hatch that opens the attic and pull myself up. There, I find all of my painting supplies and artwork. I pick up a paintbrush and, after hours and hours of work, I paint the most horrifying image that I've ever created. Because, along with other things that I see, I tend to paint my flashbacks. So I've painted Katniss kissing Gale. Or Gale kissing Katniss. I don't know which one. But my heart still aches. And I get another canvas and start yet another painting. And here I'll stay until my heart is no longer broken.