Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 30

The next morning, when we wake up, I'm excited to be going home. I can't wait to get out of here. Although, I have been able to manage. Peeta's bright blue eyes flash open and I smile at him. But, all of a sudden, I just remember. I remember everything. Everything about this place that I've managed to forget because of Peeta. I remember Prim, how she died right across the street. She's dead and gone and I couldn't save her and miss her. And, looking at Peeta, I remember being here with him. I remember kissing him to bring him back to me, because I was so afraid Snow would take him. And I remember cleaning his wrists, bloody from digging them into the cuffs. And I remember watching the energy drain from his body more and more each day. And I remember attempting to bite into my nightlock pill, but tasting his blood instead. And I'll never forget these things. And neither will he, no matter how much he loves me or how hard I kiss him. And I start to cry. Hard. The noisy kind that nothing can stop but time.

"What's wrong Katniss?"

"Everything! Being here! I can't do it we need to leave now! I can't do it anymore I can't hold it down please can we go!?"

He nods his head and takes me into his arms as we lean on the backboard of the bed. And I sob. 

"I see it all and I remember and I can't. I can't. I can't stop thinking about everything that happened here. Peeta I'm scared can we please go?"

"When you calm down, we're out of here."

I nod and will myself to stop crying. I wrap my arms around his and bury my face in them. When I've soaked my shirt with tears, it finally stops. 

"I'm okay," I tell Peeta. "Lets just get out of here and I'll be fine."

We get up, get dressed, and check out of the hotel. After a few long days, I'm so happy to be going home. As we exit the hotel, I feel a lump in my throat return as I look across the street. Peeta places his hand on my cheek and pulls my face towards his, away from where the bombs went off.

"Lets go," he says. 

So we do. We board the train and spend the next three days there. It's uneventful, and it rains nearly the whole time. Spring showers fall and raindrops hit the windows of the train, as I stay inside, often times tucked in Peeta's arms, trying to forget. Forget everything that I just remembered, thanks to the Capitol. Everything except Peeta and I, right now. And when, finally, the train arrives in District 12, after many hours of sleeping, I think I feel a little better. Just a little. And I take Peeta's hand and we walk along the familiar street back home. And when we're rounding the corner into the Victor's Village, I notice something on the ground. Bright yellow. It's a dandelion. I lean down and I pick it from where it grows in the dirt, and I hand it to Peeta. And he looks me in the eyes and says, 

"Katniss, we're gonna be okay. We're home now. I promise you that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses, and I will dedicate my life to letting you know that. Even if I'll never get better, and you might not either, and we’re permanently damaged, we have each other, so I promise that life will be okay again."

I kiss him, lightly this time, and we continue to walk home. I repeat his words in my head, about how life will get better. And I try to convince myself that it will. It's still mid afternoon when we get home, but I say,

"Sleep at my house tonight?"

"Of course."

"See you later?"

"Mhhh."

As I turn to go unpack, we hear the squawking of geese and we both laugh. Haymitch. 

"Lets go see him," says Peeta.