Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 33

Katniss' POV

When I wake up, I feel a warm hand touching my face. Wiping away my tears. I open my eyes and the first thing I see is bright, yet soft, blue eyes looking back at me. Peeta. He takes his hand away, scooting back. He thinks I'm mad. He thinks I don't want him here because I hid from him. He's wrong. He goes to speak and stand up, but I don't give him the chance. I grab his muscular forearm and pull him down so hard that his head collapses on the coats that line my body. I grab his shoulders and put my head on his chest and cry into his shirt.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I sob.

"For what, Katniss? Don't be sorry. The paparazzi are gone. President Paylor called and said she got them out of our hair. It's all okay. It's over we're gonna be okay I promise."

Peeta sits up to look into my eyes and it's like my body gets cold just because it's not in contact with his.

"No," I say.

"I'm sorry that I left you there and I'm sorry that I've been... confused lately. And I'm sorry that I ran away and hid from you."

"I understand Katniss it's okay. I'm glad you left. And I'm sorry if I've been making you feel like you have to make a decision about what you feel for me. You don't. Confused is okay. Whatever we have here is fine with me."

"It's not fine with me," I say, finally making eye contact.

"I've been confused because I didn't know what to call it. The tingling in my lips when we kiss and the warmth I feel when we touch. I figured it out.  Peeta, I think that I love you. I really really love you. It's not a show or an act or a desperate attempt to stay alive. I've fallen in love with you, Peeta."

"What?"

"I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU!" I shout, so there's no mistaking the truth.

"I love you too, Katniss."

He grabs the back of my head and kisses me with a passion that I have never experienced before. It's forceful and rough, but it feels like the gentlest touch I've ever felt. His lips are strong and powerful against mine, but they're sweet and smooth and fragile at the same time. I put my hand on his chest and straddle his lap causing us to tumble backwards out of the closet. And I kiss him back with a different kind of passion as well. Not the passion where I kiss him because I'm afraid and scared and broken. Not the kind where I want him so desperately but I don't know why. The kind where I love him, and I want him to know. And when we break apart and I roll off of him, we're both breathless. I sit up and so does he. He's smiling like a kid in a candy shop. I grab his right hand with my left and he grabs my right hand with his left and we pull ourselves up. He wraps his arms around my waist and picks me up and I hug him tightly around his neck.

"I love you," I say when he puts me down.

"I know," he says, smile widening.

"I just like the way it sounds. It feels good, when I say it," I remark.

"I just can't believe it," he says.

"Why?" I ask.

"I've always loved you. And then, after the hijacking, I was sure it would never be the same."

"It's not the same. It's better. Because it's taken all of this pain and three years of my life to realize that I love you just as much and I need you so badly that I can't begin to fathom how I could be without you. I'm sorry it's taken all of this."

"Hearing those words made it all worth it," he says and my heart melts. 

I look back at that coat closet. The place where I realized and then told Peeta that I loved him. It's an unconventional spot, but I guess it's fitting to everything else in our lives. Unconventional and idiosyncratic and abnormal and scary and horrifying and terrible enough to break me into a million pieces, shattered on the floor, beyond repair. But I don't feel broken with Peeta. I feel whole again. Like he's my missing piece. And I feel that my life can go on as long as he's in it. And that closet will always hold special meaning to me now.

"Katniss?"

His voice breaks me out of my daze. 

"When did you really start loving me?"

It's a tricky question for me to answer. Because I don't know. But I try to find the answer.

"Somewhere along the road. Nowhere, and everywhere at the same time. I can't put my finger on one place. When we kissed in the cave, and I wasn't sure if I had feelings for you, or if it was an act. All those nights on the train. When you hit the forcefield and died. When I watched you deteriorate from District 13 before we knew what was happening. When Prim told me Snow was using you to break me. When I kissed you in the Capitol to stop him from taking you from me. When I went and found you at Annie's. When we kissed in the rain. When I agreed to go with you to the Capitol. When I hated myself for leaving you alone with the paparazzi. I was in that closet and I was considering all of the people who must hate me, and everyone who I lost. I was missing Finnick and I couldn't understand why Annie doesn't hate me. And then I thought about how I wouldn't be able to live if I was her. If I lost the love of my life. If I lost you. Because you're the love of my life."

He looks at me with his eyebrows narrowed a little bit and his lips slightly curved upward. He looks gorgeous.

"I've loved you forever, even when I was hijacked and I was desperately fighting to kill you. I loved you somewhere inside, which is why I love you now."

I smile and laugh.

"What?"

"It's just, all those memories. We're so screwed up!"

It's the first time that we are able to joke about this matter.

"I thought I was beyond repair..." He starts. 

"But I have you to pick up the pieces," I finish.

He nods back.

"Oh! Check your messages," he says.

I listen to the one from President Paylor. He says he got the same one. Curious, I pick up the phone and dial the number, putting it on speaker. When Paylor answers, we both say "hello" into the receiver.

"Katniss! Peeta! So good to hear from you! I trust everything worked itself out with the paparazzi?"

"Yes!" I exclaim.

"Thank you," says Peeta.

"There's one thing I have to ask you," we hear Paylor say.

"The government is taking strides, with officials elected by the people, free travel and trade, and many more advances. I'd finally like to ask you, and some others, to come to the Capitol and do me a favor. One last interview, with all seven of the living victors, to commemorate almost a year without the Dictatorship of President Snow and The Hunger Games. Televised all over the world, as sort of one last celebration and commemoration. Will you do this for me, come participate? We couldn't do it without the two of you. I've already arranged the train tickets and hotel services, if you can leave tomorrow."

I can't speak, but I hear Peeta agree us both to it, say goodbye, and hang up. I think I almost pass out. This again?

"Katniss? You okay?"

"Did you tell her that we'd go?"

"Yes. We have to. Last thing on TV. This is the last thing we have to do. And it's a good thing, Katniss! It's happy! Everyone else has agreed. We have to go."

"Okay, fine, I'll do it."

So it's decided we're going back to the Capitol to be on national television. Tomorrow.