Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 8

 I dream that I’m on the train going into The Hunger Games again.  I don’t want to go.  I’m screaming and fighting and trying to break free.  I’m doing everything I can to get away from the Peacekeepers.  And then one of them steps in front of me, with Peeta in a headlock.  He holds a gun to his head. 

“NO!”

I scream and lunge forward as he fires the gun at Peeta. 

I wake myself up by the sounds of my voice screaming Peeta’s name.  I immediately clamp my hand over my mouth to muffle the screams as I quickly realize that it’s not real.  But I start to cry.  I try to calm myself down. 

You’re not going into The Hunger Games. 

There are no more Hunger Games. 

The war is over. 

Peeta is okay. Is he?

I’m okay. Am I?

I tell myself this over and over but, still in a sleepy haze, I roll over and swing my arms across the bed.  I’m surprised to find that I’m sleeping on this train alone.  I can’t do this anymore.  I don’t want to suffer like this.  I want Peeta back.  But I’m not sure if I can have him, if I can forgive him, or if he can forgive me.  I stand up to go take a shower as sunlight enters my window for the first time today.  Almost there, I remind myself.  I shower, which feels good considering it has become a rare occasion for me, dry off, and get dressed in pants and a long sleeved tee-shirt.  I finish off by braiding my hair to the side of my head, like everyday.  I look in the mirror and decide that I am presentable enough, so I make sure all of my belongings are in my bag before walking out of the room to get breakfast.  I fill my plate with a croissant and fruit and find a seat in the train car.  I cross my legs and put my plate in my lap.  I’m actually pleasantly surprised when the boy from yesterday, Roy, sits down next to me, smiling.  I smile back because I’m having a rare day of happiness. 

“Morning Roy!”

“I’m doing a report on you for school,” he tells me as I begin to laugh.  It’s hilarious.  I can’t believe people have any respect for me. 

“Why me?” I ask him, still laughing.

“I chose you because we haven’t learned a lot about you yet, and I want to learn.”

“Oh.”

“We aren’t really learning much about you this year.  My teacher says we will when we get older.”

“Smart teacher,” I remark.

“Can you tell me what it was like to be in The Hunger Games?”

My heart stops beating for a second.  I don’t know what to say.  Thank god his mom comes over just in time to say,

“Roy!  That’s not an appropriate question to ask her!”

And it isn’t.  He shrugs and asks me what my hobbies are instead.  I have to think for a minute.  What do I do?  Sit.  Cry.  Sleep.  Mourn.  Fight with Haymitch.  Avoid Peeta. 

“Hunting,”

I finally tell him just in time for the train to come to an abrupt halt in District 4.  He hugs me goodbye and races off the train behind his mom.  As I exit the train, I have no problem location where Annie’s house is.  She lives in the Victors Village, and it’s impossible to miss, although some of the other houses in 4 are quite nice as well.  My lungs fill with fresh air that smells like sea salt as I walk down her street.  I can’t find the mailbox that says “Cresta” but I see the one that says “Odair”.  That’s right, she’s Annie Odair now.  I walk up the path and see her outside on the porch.  She sees me too and jumps up to give me a hug.  We hug and then break away.  She keeps her hands on my arms though, as we stare at each other smiling.  I don’t know why we’re smiling, however, because I see in her eyes that she’s still broken, still just the poor mad girl from District 4, still driven crazy by visions of her past.  And if I can see the pain in her eyes, she can see it in mine too.