Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 2

I have to admit; the presence of Greasy Sae’s granddaughter stuns me. I haven’t seen anyone besides Sae in months. Not even Haymitch. Guess he’s given up on me too, just like my mother. A part of me wants to go talk to him. About anything, anything but Peeta. Haymitch always says exactly the right thing, the thing that needs to be said, which is terrifying because honestly, I don’t want to hear the truth. I’m snapped back out of my thoughts by the feeling of delicate arms around my shoulders, hugging me as I stand at the foot of my staircase. As I look down at the girl who I know as Sae’s granddaughter. I judge that she’s in her early teens; probably how old Prim would have been if she were still here. She’s young, but old enough to know who I am. To know what I’ve done. To know I’m a monster, a killer. This makes me nervous and confused. Why is she hugging me? I put my hands on her arms and remove myself from her grasp as I look into her face. Yep, it reminds me of Prim’s.

“What was that for?”

She laughs and looks at me as if the answer is obvious.

“You’re my hero, Katniss Everdeen. I’ve been begging Gran to let me visit ever since she started cooking for you!”

I’m completely baffled. I look around my shoulder, as if there is a different Katniss Everdeen standing behind me. Obviously, there’s not. This girl is talking to me.

“Um, what,” is all I have to say. I don’t understand. And the girl just smiles at me and says, “You’re so brave, you saved Panem, you saved my future. I want to be just like you!"

Is this girl delerious? She wants to be like me? No one in her right mind would look up to me. I'm no role model. Before I can say that she must be crazy, that if he knew the hell that I live she would take that back and sprint out of here, Sae interjects. She’s scowling at me, which tells me that she’s still mad about yesterday.

“I thought you would want to meet a fan, Katniss. There’s more where she comes from. You obviously don’t know that. And I couldn’t convince you yesterday, so here’s living proof that people appreciate you. Your life is worth living. Anyways, Lainey and I are gonna make dinner. Beef stew tonight. Maybe you’ll eat it willingly. You know, to sustain yourself? That’s all.”

I just stare at her because I know that in a matter of seconds, she will discover half the biscuits missing. She’ll know I’ve eaten on my own today. She won’t know that I spent the rest of the day vomiting and fading in and out of sleep. I follow her and Lainey, who hasn’t taken her eyes off of me, into the kitchen where Greasy Sae sees the missing food and smiles at me. I don’t exactly smiled back at her, but I give her a look that is a mix of “haha you were wrong” and “thank you for the biscuits. As Sae is preparing dinner, she continues to smile.

“Maybe getting me to eat won’t be such an issue anymore. I’m trying here, Sae,” I tell her.

I was so close to death, but maybe I will be able to go on living. Maybe I should try to go on. Is it the fact that this crazy girl is a “fan” that has given me even more of a reason to push on? Or is it the fact that she looks like Prim?

“You know Katniss, I was about to give up on you too. But I figured I’d try one more thing. The boy, he’s still baking. I figured if you wouldn’t eat my food, you’d eat his.”

My mouth drops and I come close to vomiting again.

“He made them?”

Greasy Sae nods at me. I expect to be furious and sick to my stomach at the thought of Peeta again, but I’m not. Of course, the boy who provided me with the hope that life could go on at one point in my life could do it again today. But is he really the same boy? Am I the same girl? No. Definitely no. I force myself to think yet again that I don’t want him, don’t need him, can’t have him. Greasy Sae finishes the stew and spoons me a bowl. Lainey says goodbye and I flash her an awkward smile.