Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 9

For once, I wake up smiling and well rested. I turn to Peeta and he's awake too, looking at me, smiling. And today, everything is okay. We get ready and go downstairs, followed by Annie who's carrying her son. Peeta makes us all breakfast and we eat a lot because Annie hired babysitter so she can spend the day showing us around the district, which I'm looking forward to.  I know today is going to be a good day because when the three of us leave the house, even though it's winter and there's snow on the ground, the sun is shining brightly, warming the atmosphere to the perfect temperature. Everything in District 4 is beautiful. The beaches covered in snow, the little village with shops lining every street, every little thing is just so different from where I live that I hardly notice when people whisper my name, and Peeta and Annie's, not like on the train. We've been walking for a while and everyone is hungry, so Annie tells us to find somewhere to sit while she orders us all lunch.  We find somewhere across the street. And sit down. And for a little while, Peeta and I are alone again. 

"We still haven't called Doctor Aurelius," I remark.

"Oh yeah, we'll do it when we get home. I hope he lets me come home."

"Me too. It's nice here but it's not home."

"Katniss?"

"Yeah Peeta?"

"What is this? Here? Are things going to be the same with us when we go back? I just, I just can't keep it up that way. Waiting all the time. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too. And that's why I came. And I hope that we can be friends. But Peeta, do you, you know, do you love me?"

He smiles a little. "I don't know. I try. But I've forgotten why I loved you in the first place. And you not talking to me isn't helping me remember. But I want to. I want to remember more than anything."

Again I'm taken back by the fact the Peeta isn't in love with me. And that he sees me for who I am. But I don't hate him for it. Because I don't love him either. So why would I want him to love me? I don't want that. And before I have time to reply, we both jerk around at the sound of a loud crash coming from the street. People are already gathering around a car that's stopped in the middle of the road. Peeta and I go over and when we push to the front, we see that it's Annie who got hit. We keep pushing until we're both kneeling on the ground with her. Peeta's shaking and I try to stay strong as I check to see if she's breathing. She is, but she's unconscious and her head is bleeding. I don't even care what people think when I scream at someone in the crowd to get a doctor. In a matter of minutes, a medical team is here and lifting Annie on to a stretcher. I'm crying now and Peeta is still shaking. 

I tap the shoulder of a women paramedic and ask through tears, "Will she be okay?" The women's eyes widen and she lifts the mask that's covering her mouth. And I think that I almost faint. I want to run away. Run and never stop. Because there's one thing I forgot about District 4.  My mother works here now.

I can't run away. I have no where to go. Peeta is keeping me here. Annie is keeping me here. I don't think I could run if I want to. I can't even speak. Even if I had anything to say to my mother, nothing would come out. Words don't come out, but tears do. Right here in the middle of a crowd of people. I've done a lot of things in front of a crowd, but crying was never one of them. I guess it is now, because as my mom wraps her arms around me, hugging me tightly, I don't hug her back. I just cry. She left me. She left me and Prim when our father died. She left me after the war was over. She left me to go back to District 12 alone. With no one. With no family. She couldn't be there for me. And she never will be. She ran from the problem. Maybe that's where I get it from. When she finally lets go, she wipes her tears off and stands up taller. As she goes to wipe my face, I smack her hand away before it can reach my tears. And I think I see something inside her crack, as her eyes go cold and she turns away from me. For now. I watch her join the team of doctors on the cart as they take Annie to the hospital. I can't think about my mother right now. I need to help Annie. I don't known where Peeta is, but it doesn't matter because I want to be alone. I walk back to Annie's house as I try to compose myself before I have to go back to the hospital. Where my mother will be. I get to her house, pay the babysitter and carry Finnick Jr. back to the hospital with me. Everything around me is a blur. I can't focus. I'm going to have to see my mother again. I don't want to. I take a big breath and blink a couple times. I repeat to myself the list of things I know are true. My vision refocuses and my brain becomes a little less blurry. I don't know how I got here, but somehow I managed to arrive at the hospital. I go to the front desk and ask to see Annie Cresta.