Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 12

Katniss' POV

For the first time since after the war I feel bad for someone other than myself. As we walk home from the center of District 12, I become less aware of the people staring and more aware of Peeta's presence next to me. More than ever before. Because I feel bad for him. I hadn't even thought about that for a while. I was too busy pitying myself to realize what Haymitch had known all along. Someone might have it worse than me. And that's hard to believe. But seeing Peeta close to tears looking at his old home made me realize all that he has lost. And it's more than I have. He lost his entire family along with the memories of them that now only exist in the bakery. Which is also gone.  Thanks to me.  Because I know that Peeta doesn't remember everything from his childhood anymore. Actually, it's probably close to nothing, other than what he's been told. And then there's that. Not only did he suffer through 2 Hunger Games and fight in a war as I did, but he fought, and is still fighting, an additional war with himself everyday. I feel partly responsible that I haven't been helping as much as I should have. I feel like it's my fault because I'm sure almost all of what he's trying to sort out is about me. I'm not sure if everything else about him was right, but I know him better than anyone. Even though he's lost his memories of me, I haven't lost mine of him. I feel so bad that I don't even know what I'm doing as we turn the corner to the Victor's Village and I stop to hug him. I stop walking and he stops too and I feel so bad for him that I walk right in front of him and wrap my arms around his neck. And when he hugs me back, I can hear him softly crying. And that makes me cry too. When he pulls away. He wipes his tears and smiles at me. He's trying to be strong. He always does. And I admire that in him so much. 

"Katniss don't cry. Please. Not over this. Please stop."

"I'm sorry Peeta. I'm so sorry."

And he knows I'm not apologizing for crying. But I wipe away my tears too and as he turns to go home, I stop him.

"Wait."

He turns around.

"This has been really fun. So thanks. But why end it now? Come over?"

And he smiles as he holds the door to my house open for me as I walk in. I go to the kitchen and make us both a cup of tea as I start the conversation.

"You wanna talk?"

He knows what I'm implying.

"Katniss," he says sighing. "We don't have to do this if your not ready to talk about it. It can wait."

As I pass him his cup, I respond, "No. It can't."

He puts his head in his hands and I sit next to him at the kitchen table. I put my hands on his and remove then from his face. If he has helped me recover, I'm going to help him. It shouldn't be that hard. Right?

"Okay." He says. "Real or not real?  We knew each other growing up."

"Real. Well, kind of. We went to school together but we never really talked."

"You always used to wear your hair in two brains. Real or not real?"

"Real. That's a stupid question Peeta," I say smile.

"It is not. Okay, the first time we talked was on the train to the first games?

"Real."

"When we shook hands, you tried to break my wrist?"

"What?"

"Katniss, just answer. That's not even the worst of it. I don't want to make you do this if you don't want to."

"Okay Peeta. It's okay. I want to. But not real."

"Good. You tried to kill me by dropping tracker jackers on me in the first arena?"