Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 24

Katniss' POV

I'm already awake and eating breakfast when someone bangs on my door. I don't know who it is, but as I answer, I secretly hope that it's Peeta. It's not. It's Delly Cartwright. I suck air to my lungs and prepare for her annoying degree of niceness. I smile widely, but she doesn't smile back. I've seen her angry once before in my life. In 13. At Peeta. He probably doesn't remember. I'm about to see her mad again.

"Katniss what the hell!"

"Nice to see you too Delly. What did I do this time?"

"Oh please. You and Gale!?"

Peeta saw. And he told Delly? Why would he do that? He didn't see the whole thing. But I'm not angry. I am scared. I'm scared that I hurt him, even when I didn't do it intentionally.

My voice comes out soft when I say, "He kissed me. I didn't want to. I pushed him off and I... I made him leave. He's gone."

Delly lets out a breath and I see her face return to its normal softness. She understands that Peeta didn't see it all. He didn't see me smack Gale. He didn't see me make him go away. He doesn't know how hard it is to have to reject your best friend. Gale was my best friend. He was mine and I was his. But not anymore. And Delly gets it. She always gets it. And that's why I accept her hug.

"Tell him that," she says.

And she leaves. And she didn't tell me where he is. But he can't be far.

I know he's in his house. I know he doesn't want to see me. I know he's broken from what he saw. I know I can't live another day without him. I inhale and exhale slowly. And then I push open the door and walk into his house. I stand in the middle of it, right between the kitchen and the living room. 

"Peeta?" My voice shakes, but I continue. And as I continue, my voice isn't even. How can it be? I'm fighting back tears.

"Peeta, you know I'm not good with words. I'm not good at all. And I don't know how to say what I feel. You do. It's easy for you. But it's hard for me. I hope you know that's why it's taken me so long. I was jealous and I shouldn't have been. But I didn't know how to react. And after we fought, I thought you'd be better off without me. So I left you alone. I know what you saw. I know you saw me and Gale. But he kissed me. I didn't kiss him. And you didn't see the rest, which was incredibly painful for me. He's gone. I made sure that he left knowing that I didn't love him. I don't. But it's hard, because I did. I loved him. And I loved you. And I loved both of you at the same time, which wasn't fair to either one of you. And I'm not sure if you need me, or if you still love me. And this may be selfish, but I need you. You're my dandelion in the spring. You're the promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. And they're pretty bad. I, umm, I don't know what else to say. I feel so many other things, but I don't know how to say them. But you didn't see everything, with me and Gale. And I need you. And maybe I'm selfish. But I don't care because I feel myself needing you more and more every day that I don't have you. And I can't carry on that much longer so, please, please, please just... Just come out."

By the end of my little awkward speech, I'm in tears. I wait a couple seconds, but Peeta doesn't come out. I know he heard. I know he's here. But I'll wait a little longer. So when nothing happens, I walk out of his house.  But I haven't given up hope.