Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 45

Katniss' POV

A few days after my birthday, I sit in mine and Peeta's room reading a book. Peeta isn't here with me, which is unusual, because we usually read together. I don't know why he loves it so much, but I expect that he has the same reason as me. It's because reading allows you to live a life that is not your own, even if it is for a brief time. It's not like my life isn't good, it is. There a days that are good, no, great. But there are also bad days. Like yesterday. Some days are bad for me, but I always have Peeta to convince me that it'll be okay. And when he has bad days, even though I don't have the same power of speech that he does, I'll lie in bed with him with my arms around him for as long as it takes to get him up. But yesterday it was the both of us. That's never happened. I woke up in the morning screaming from a nightmare, knuckles white from gripping the sheets. And then there was Peeta, huddled at the foot of the bed, shaking, barely holding on to his sanity. But I didn't have the desire or power to do anything to help him. So when he finally found the strength to pull himself out of whatever false memory he was consumed by, he just managed to get himself back into bed with me. We didn't go back to sleep, but we stayed there all day. Neither one of us fully capable of functioning normally without the other. So that's why I sit here now, reading after dinner. When I turn the page to a new chapter, I close the book and pull open the door to leave the room. When I step out, I'm surprised by what I see. Lining the hallway is candle after candle, lighting the way along a path of rose petals. I follow it downstairs and out the door. And when I step outside the house, I see Peeta standing in the dim light of the sunset, dressed in a black suit.

"Hi," I say smiling.

He walks over to me and takes my hand in his. As soon as he starts talking I know what's happening.

"Katniss, I knew from the first day that I saw you that I was in love with you. It was never just a crush. I fell hard and I've never stopped falling for you. The feeling that I got every time I looked over at you in class, it's never gone away."

I stop hearing him for a second, or a minute, or a few minutes. I don't know. My head is spinning. I don't know what to stay. I don't know if I should stop him or...

"And then again at the reaping 3 years ago. I looked at you on that stage and I knew that I would easily give my life for you. That's how much I loved you."

He's still talking, but I can only hear certain things. I can feel my heart racing in my chest. It feels like it's going to burst. I feel like I couldn't get words out of my mouth if I tried...

"I would be the last person to deny that the last few years have been hell. They have been."

The sound of my own thoughts drown out his beautiful words again. I know what I want to say. I want to say yes. I love him and I want to be with him forever. But I can't. Because if I marry him, I'd have to give him children. And I can't do that. I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I fear most right now. Having children. I could never do that. Because if anything ever happened to them... I don't know what I would do. And he needs a family. I just manage to hear him as he finishes.

"If you were to ask me if I could go back and change anything that has happened, I would say no. Because all of it got me you. And that's the only thing that matters. Right now, I have you."

He gets down on one knee and, even though I really want to, I know that I have to say no. I don't know what I'll do after, but ultimately, I can't give him what he wants.

"Katniss Everdeen, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and marry me?"

Tears start to pour down my face as I manage to shake my head and get the words out.

"I can't."

"Yes you can," Peeta says, still down on one knee.

I just shake my head as I watch my tears hit the ground.

He stands up and says, "You can't or you don't want to?"

"I can't."

"Why?"

"You need a family," I just barely choke out.

"I know. You," he says, not quite getting it.

"No. If I marry you, what comes next?" I ask.

He gets it. And the look in his eyes says nothing but disappointment. I want to run. It's force of habit. I've learned to run or die. But there's nowhere that I can go where he won't find me right away. My eyes flick from side to side and I can tell that he knows I want to get away. He grabs my wrist, but I just collapse to the ground on my knees, tears still pouring out silently.

"I don't care if you don't want kids. I just want you to be my family. There's no one else I want, Katniss. You're it. We don't need to have kids yet."

"Yet. But I can't. I can't have kids ever. Peeta I couldn't live if anything were to happen to them. How would I even do that? I can't raise a child! And you want a family and you deserve a family and I can't do that for you!"

He shakes his head and in a soft voice he says, "I just want you."

I suck in a long breath and say, "I want you too."

"Then marry me."

"I want to," I reply, now sobbing.

He takes me in his arms on the ground, trying to get me to stop crying.

"Look at me Katniss. I know you don't want to have kids. You don't have to. I won't ever force you to, I promise."

I allow him to help me off the ground, but I still am not convinced.

"Peeta, I just don't know what to do. I love you, and I can't just leave. I mean, I don't think that I can physically leave you, even if I tried. But I know that you want to have kids. You should be a father."

He doesn't speak for a moment, but then says,

"It's not about having kids right now. It's about the fact that I want to marry you. It's about how I love you with all my heart. And maybe one day you will want to have kids. You'd be a fantastic mother. You practically raised your sister! And nothing would happen to them. They're not going to starve or get killed or get reaped like they might have just a couple years ago."

I think for a second. That's what I was always so concerned about, wasn't it? And now there's no hunger games, no chance that they'll starve to death, no reasonable explanation for me to believe they would die. Nothing is the same as it was the last time I imagined myself with a family of my own. The last time I imagined it, I lived in a world where my children could have been picked to fight to the death on television like I was. I lived in a world where Gale would be my husband. I was a different person the last time I thought about this. What if one day I did want to have kids? I can't see myself doing that with anyone other than Peeta. I can't see myself doing anything with anyone other than Peeta. Maybe he's right; maybe all that matters is that I love him. I take a step closer to him, face still wet with tears. I touch my forehead to his and say, "I guess I really have nothing to be afraid of anymore."

I feel him nod as he places his hand on the back of my neck.

"Will you marry me?" He asks again.

"Yes," I say with a force I didn't know I had in me. Then I close the rest of the space between us by pressing my body against his. He kisses me passionately, like he did when we stood right here in the rain months ago. Again, even though he kisses me hard and forcefully, his lips feel soft and delicate at the same time. As we kiss, I can feel him smiling. I laugh and wrap my legs around his waist as he spins me around, both of us in a temporary state of bliss.