Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 7

Katniss' POV

When I wake up, I’m shivering and in the same position, curled in a ball in the middle of Peeta’s house.  And this is when I decide I’m crazy.  Crazy when it comes to Peeta.  When I have him, I don’t want him.  When I can’t have him, I need him.  Yep, I’m crazy.  I need to clear my head.  All I want to do is go hunting, but I look outside and it’s pitch black, still snowing.  I stand up and stretch, adjusting the large tee shirt that I’m wearing so it’s no longer falling off my shoulder.  I walk to Peeta’s kitchen and I see two loaves of bread with grains, sitting on the counter, ready to bake, untouched.  I wonder if it’s too late to cook them.  I wonder what temperature they bake at.  I guess on both and put them in the oven.  While I’m waiting for them to bake, I drift off on Peeta’s couch. 

~

In the Capitol, I run through the streets.  Prim.  I know Prim’s in danger, but I don’t know why.  I’m screaming her name, running, running.  My lungs are going to collapse.  As I run down the streets of the capitol, people die everywhere I turn, every intersection I cross, every building I run past.  Bombs, they’re dropping bombs.  One lands right on me but I’m untouched, still alive and running.  “PRIM!” I call.  As I turn the last corner, I see her.  I see the bombs falling.  It’s all in slow motion.  I can’t save her.  But I catch her eye one last time as the bombs go off.

~

I wake up sweating this time.  I’m desperately fighting for something to grab, to hold on to, and to let me know that this is real life, for someone to hold me until I stop shaking and sobbing.  Nothing.  No one.  I’m just clawing at Peeta’s couch.  And I know that I’m no longer dreaming, but somehow, I find no comfort in that.  Because when I wake from my nightmares, I only realize that I’m still living them.  I identify the noise that woke me, the sound of the “bombs”, as the sound of the oven beeping.  I take the loaves out and I am immediately over come with hunger by the smell.  I bite into one without even cutting it.  It’s dry, I guess I baked it for too long, but it still tastes amazing because Peeta expertly made the dough.  In a couple of minutes, I’ve eaten the whole loaf.  I walk out of Peeta’s house into my own yard as the snow lands in my hair and on my eyelashes.  I look up to the sky as I realize I’m standing in the exact spot where Peeta and I once lay, kissing in front of the cameras for the world to see yet again.  And I fall to the ground and spread my arms and legs, moving them back and forth to make a snow angel.  When I stand up, I look at it and continue walking into my house as if nothing ever happened.  It was a ridiculous action, but it was fun.  The site of Greasy Sae cooking in my kitchen when I come in startles me.  She remarks that she thought I was upstairs, but thankfully doesn’t ask where I was.  I really don’t want to have to explain to her that I spent last night alone in Peeta’s house.  Alone.  I’m lonely.  I’m also still hungry.  So despite just having eaten an entire loaf of bread, I sit down at the table and eat every last bit of the eggs and toast that Sae prepared.  She smiles, looking satisfied, and leaves. 

~

The next week goes by slowly.  I try to not sleep as much, but with the snow it’s hard because I can’t go hunting.  Haymitch tries to teach me how to play chess.  I hate it.  Honestly, most of my time is spent thinking about Peeta.  I wonder when he’s coming home.  I wonder if he’s ever coming home.  I wonder how I’ll react when I see him.  I wonder how he’ll react when he sees me.  I honestly don’t know.  And when I can’t stand wondering anymore, I put on my jacket and walk to Haymitch’s.  He’s awake when I come in and he’s just getting off the phone.  I sit down and look him right in the eye when I ask, “When’s Peeta coming back?”  He looks at me, questioningly, raising an eyebrow.  Not looking away, I state, “I miss him.  I want him back.”