Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 31

knock knock knock knock knock

That's the sound that I wake up to, someone knocking repeatedly on the door. Peeta's already standing and putting a tee shirt on. I roll out of bed and follow him downstairs to get the door. We're both in our pajamas, who could it be besides Haymitch and maybe Delly? Whichever it is, they're gonna get an earful from me for waking me up. Peeta throws open the door and I'm standing a couple steps behind him. But I'm not met with a bubbly blonde or a drunken mentor. I'm met with the clicking and flashing of cameras and brightly colored Capitol reporters throwing questions at Peeta and me. I gasp, thrown off by the lights and people at my door. Peeta stares for a second and then slams the door shut turning around to face me, stunned. My mouth is still open and neither of us know how to react.

"How..."

"What do we do?" Peeta asks over me.

"Wanna get out?" I ask.

"Well, yeah, but how?"

"There's a window down in the basement, ground level."

"Good, cause I don't wanna stay here with them out there," he says.

I go upstairs and pull on a pair of brown pants with a short sleeve forest green tee shirt that's a little tight. I slide my feet into my old brown hunting boots and run back downstairs to Peeta. I wave my hand, motioning him over, and open the small door to the unfinished, never used basement. We run downstairs and slide out the window silently. 

"I'm still in my pajamas," Peeta says with a smile, signaling to his clothing.

"Oh, okay, come on."

We walk around the back of my house and follow along the path behind the whole street until we loop around the back to the other side. We then trail the back of the other side until we reach Peeta's back door. He goes upstairs and comes down ten minutes later with wet hair, jeans, and a grey tee shirt that matches his sneakers.

"Got any food?" I ask.

"Fruit and toast?" He questions back.

"Sounds good."

Peeta puts the toast in the toaster and slides a plate of fruit across the table to me. When the toast pops up, we butter it together and eat. 

"Lets get out of here," I say when we're done.

"Sure! Where do you wanna go?"

"I don't know. We can go for a walk through the town? Out to the woods?"

"Sure, lets go."

We walk through the back door and make it into the main town with no problem. Somewhere along the way, mid conversation, Peeta wraps his arm around my waist again. This time, I don't miss a beat to put my arm around his back in turn.  Right before we leave the back roads to go into town, I drop my head to his shoulder as we walk. 

"Your hair is still wet," I remark, sliding my hand up into his hair.

"Um, yeah," he says, smiling at me a little awkwardly. I like it.

"It smells good."

He shrugs and fiddles with the bottom of my braid.

"Not as good as yours."

My face breaks into a smile as he wraps his other arm around me, stealing a kiss. It feels like the sun is shining inside my body. I wrack my brain, trying to figure this out. I like kissing Peeta. Every time. And this time, it's not because one of us is suffering. He's just kissing me because he loves me. And I'm kissing him back. So, what does that mean? I bite my lip at the thought and stop kissing him.

"Show me where the bakery is going to be!" 

I say, breaking away.

He nods and we resume walking into the town holding hands. He shows me the plot of land with the nearly finished bakery standing there. It's small, but bigger than I remember the old one being. 

"By the end of the week, the construction should be done and the machinery should all be here!" He announces with a smile.

"I can't wait to see it!" I exclaim back.

"Hey! I heard a candy shop opened again! Wanna check it out?"

I stutter for a second, chocking back memories of Prim and her beloved peppermint candies, but manage to choke out my agreement.

"Oh Katniss," Peeta says, realizing his mistake.

"We can go somewhere else. Grocery shopping? We can go out into the forest like you wanted?"

I shake my head no. 

"I can go for some candy," I say smoothly this time.

"Alright, good. Me too."

So we start back towards the middle of town. It's really a nice day; everything smells like spring. As we round the corner, I spot the new sweet shop. That's not all I spot. It's the Capitol reporters from this morning. But they spot us first. My breath catches in my throat. I feel like we're being attacked. I drop Peeta's hand immediately. I hear shouts and people launching questions in my ear. Microphones surround my head. I look over and I see Peeta calmly trying to talk to them all. He's got a big smile on his face, like he couldn't be happier. He'll probably say something amazingly charming that will be played on TV for weeks. Not me. I spin around and sprint. 

I don't know why I do it. I feel bad for leaving Peeta there. I know I shouldn't have. But it's how I reacted. And when I took off, I wasn't going back. I hear some of them chasing me, but I loose them, ducking into an alleyway. I stop for a second to make sure I can no longer hear their annoying voices. Then, I take off back towards home. I need to hide and I need to be somewhere that no one can find me. I can't take the cameras and the lights and the reporters trying to get into my life. How did this start? Why do they care about me? No one wants to see my face on TV anymore. They hate me. I revert back to my old ways of thinking as I bust through my front door, turning the lock when I get in. But they already have pictures of me and Peeta. We're already on TV. I try to remember what I saw on the television yesterday. I, somehow, only remember it being insults. I breathe hard and I can't think straight. I want to beg someone for help. To help me with my life. 

"PRIM!"

I shout her name as if somehow that will bring her back to me. I consider hiding downstairs. Peeta will find me there. I don't know why I don't want him to find me. I look at the basement door and notice the small coat closet next to it. I enter and sink down among the coats that fill it, trying to make myself as small as possible. I sob and whisper, 

"I'm sorry,"

to the empty space. I'm sorry to Peeta, for leaving him alone there. I didn't protect him. And that's what we do. I'm sorry to Prim and all the other children who died too young because of my stupidity and vengefulness. I'm sorry to everyone who I've lost, especially my old friend Finnick Odair. I'm sorry to his widowed wife, Annie, because if it wasn't for me, she'd still have the love of her life. I can imagine how she feels. I couldn't live if I didn't have Peeta. As the tears stream down my face, I remember the way he makes my whole body feel like it's floating on air. I remember the tingling sensation and the butterflies in my stomach and the electricity that sparks in my body when we kiss. It sparks the fire inside me. I realized that I have basically just called Peeta the love of my life. And that's the feeling. It's love. I love him. It seems so simple now. But I can't bring myself to leave my hiding spot. Not until the reporters are out of my life. I don't want to be "famous" or "known" for anything. I had come to realize that the world doesn't hate me. That I am responsible for the rebellion that changed the world. That the people who lost loved ones for my cause understood that it would be worth it in the end. That even the mothers who lost their children have forgiven me. But I just don't know if I've forgiven myself. That's why I can't stand to be seen on television like some Capitol celebrity. Everyone wants to be like those people on TV. No one wants to be like me. I yank a jacket down from its hanger. It's small. It's Prim-sized. And I cry myself to sleep trying to remember her sweet scent.