Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 11

Peeta's POV

I'm actually really excited to spend the day with Katniss. I hope she can make it this time. I just want to spend time with her again. Normal time. But I have no reason to assume that anything involving me and her together will be normal. I'm about to take a quick shower before I start making lunch and as I walk into my room, I see Katniss in her window, looking at me. And she smiles and waves. It gives me a weird feeling, seeing her smile at me. I can't call it love, I don't remember what that feels like. No, it's more like relief. Relief that she might get better. Maybe I really can help her. I hope I helped yesterday, with Prim. I knew what day it was as soon as I woke up, and I thought Katniss would too. But she didn't, and I certainly wasn't going to remind her. Obviously she didn't forget completely, because I was right to assume that when she was an hour late to lunch, she'd realized as was probably a wreck. I'm actually surprised that she wasn't worse. But I guess I helped. I don't know how. She should be afraid of me. When I get out of the shower, I comb back my hair and dress in jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt. Then, I rush downstairs to start lunch. I make us a salad with fruit and nuts and sandwiches that I make with fresh meat I bought at the new supermarket. It's kind of like the Hob, but nicer and they mostly sell food. I really like the way everything is begin rebuilt. The people here are starting over. A new beginning. I'm hoping to do the same, because I'm considering reopening my family's bakery, which was left in ruins after the bombing. I have about an hour left, so I decide to make cheese buns for Katniss again.  I start from scratch, making the dough, mixing it, shaping it, adding just the right amount of cheese, then putting it in the oven. Baking has always had a calming effect on me. Same with painting. After I was hijacked, I thought I'd never do either again. But I can't imagine life without that part of me. Some people say that if you love something, you're supposed to let it go. I believe that if you love something, you pursue it until the day that you die, with a devoted determination and perseverance.  That's what you do if you love something. That's how you recover, if you want it bad enough. And that's what I'm going to do with Katniss. I know it deep down inside. Even though sometimes I'm not sure how I feel about her, if I love her or not, I know that I spent my whole childhood, including recent years, fighting for her. Everything I do, I do it for her. I can't tell if I love her like I used to, no, I may be too far gone for that. But I know that I loved her once. And I want to again. And I'll fight to get that feeling back. Even if my worst enemy is myself. That's how I'll heal. That drive to never give up, not the idea that I'll ever need to let go of the things I love. Before the cheese buns are ready, Katniss knocks on the door and I open it. She's smiling at me. I'm not used to it, but I hope it becomes a regular sight for my eyes. She looks her best when she's smiling. Her smile, it's radiant. And I smile back. And we have a normal lunch. Like actual normal people. I tell her what's going on with the rebuilding. She listens. We eat. It's normal. It's rare, and I know that this level of normality might always be that way for us, but today, we just enjoy it while it lasts. When we finish lunch, we head outside and walk in the streets covered with newly fallen snow until we reach the main part of District 12. The center. Where the Justice Building still stands. Where some parts of the stage that we stood on for the first time two years ago still exist. But everything else is gone, demolished, being rebuilt from the ground up. I look at Katniss, who looks amazed at all the people helping with the rebuilding. I'm the first to speak when I ask, "What do you think?"

"I think, it makes me feel happy. That if all these people, our whole district can start over, so can I."

Finally. Finally she wants to start over. I hope she can rebuild herself as well as the rest of the District can. I know she can do it, she's strong. I'm just not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'll even be the same again. And I really start to question how strong I am when I notice where we are. What I've been avoiding so long. The spot where the bakery was. Nothing. I don't realize that I've stopped walking until I feel Katniss put her hand on my shoulder.

"Have you seen it before, Peeta?"

I nod yes. I have. Once. And it sent me bursting into tears as soon as I got home. Immediately followed by a powerful flashback.

"I'm so sorry Peeta," Katniss says. And I think she means it. I just turn away from the bakery and start to walk back into town. 

"Peeta, you wanna go home? We can do this another time."

I stop and think about it. No. I can't just ignore the fact that the last bits of my childhood are gone. It happened. It's over. I have I deal with it.

"No Katniss, I'm okay, really," I say smiling. And she smiles back at me. And my fake smile turns into a real one as we continue our tour of the District.