Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 29

I know that did the trick. Dr. Aurelius nods, as if thinking. Peeta looks at me, confused.

"Are you lying? Was that true?"

I nod.

"I love you so much Katniss."

I want to say something back. But I don't. And I want to kiss him, but I don't do that either. Not here, in front of Dr. Aurelius.

"Okay Katniss, you're off the hook. Use your judgement, but if you're doing better, it's fine. I'm going to send you more pills anyway, just in case."

"Thank you,"

I say, satisfied that I don't have to endure his calls and lectures any longer. It's really all thanks to Peeta. It's too bad he can't say the same about me. I want him to be able to, and I almost cry thinking about how I can't do for him what he does for me. It's not fair, but he loves me anyway. That's not fair either. And Peeta still takes his medication and answers Dr. Aurelius' calls once a week. And even with that, he's not better. I guess that's expected, I remember how bad he was at first. It's a miracle he's made it this far. He's so strong. And somehow, that thought comforts me. I move to a small chair in the corner, where I sit with my feet draped over the armrest, as to give Peeta his turn with Dr. Aurelius. Dr. Aurelius asks Peeta questions for quite a while, and he seems satisfied that Peeta is doing everything right. But then, he doesn't look satisfied anymore.

"Peeta?" He says?

Peeta cocks his head.

"I'm afraid that, if the flashbacks are still happening, that they may never stop."

Peeta lets out a breath. It doesn't sound like relief. It sounds like pain. And I feel it too. Why?

"But Peeta! You've come so far! You should be proud."

He just shakes his head.

"I'm sorry," Dr. Aurelius says.

"Just take the pills after they happen. You're both off the hook with the calls. Enjoy your time here."

I get up from the chair and we both wave goodbye. As soon as Peeta stands up, I match his pace to the door and take his hand. We leave and ride the elevator in silence. When we get outside, I can't stand the mutual sadness anymore.

"I'm so sorry," I say.

It looks like he's about to cry. I would, too. And I can't even imagine what it's like. But there he goes again, he sees my weakness, and he's strong. He's so strong, that I'm able to return the smile he gives me.

"It's okay Katniss. I'm okay. Don't be sorry."

I nod my head and say,

"Okay. Where to now?"

"Shopping for the bakery!"

He replies.

"Can we get lunch first?"

He nods and we walk until we find some place that resembles normalcy, just a little bit. As we order, and eat, and pay, I feel like I can't stop staring at everyone, just like they stare at me. I mean, I'm not the one they should be looking at! I observe everyone's dyed skin tones and brightly colored hair and clothes that are so strange, I'm not sure if you can call them clothes. While many things have changed about the Capitol and it's citizens, their style has not. 

"Okay," Peeta says.

"Now the last thing for the day! Lets go get some machines!"

He's so excited, it makes me laugh, and he practically drags me to the cooking store. We spend hours in here, buying supplies and ordering huge machines from a magazine. It all costs a fortune, but I can't imagine that it won't be worth it. When he finally pays and we walk out, I'm starving again.

"Peeta?"

"Wait, let me guess. You're hungry?"

I nod.

"Okay Katniss, where do you want to go?"

"Can we just get room service? I wanna just fall asleep and wake up tomorrow and go home."

"Agreed. This wasn't exactly 'vacation' status."

I let out a laugh and we walk back to the hotel. Some time along the way, Peeta slips his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my hip. At first, I'm startled. I almost take his hand off. My first reaction is to hate it. But I don't. I like it.  When we get into the elevator and Peeta removes his arm from around my waist, I miss it. So as we go up, I lean my head on his shoulder.

"You know, Peeta, this wasn't half bad."

"You're lying. I can tell."

"Okay fine, I hated begin here. But it's better than being home without you."

"I love you."

He said it again. But I can't bring myself to do it. I've been questioning it for so long and I just can't figure it out. I don't know. But I know one thing now. I'm not hungry for food. I'm hungry for Peeta. And neither of us expect it when I throw myself on him. I jump and wrap my legs around his waist and press my lips onto his as he holds me up. And he kisses me back so hard, my lips feel weak. But at the same time, I feel strong. Because he's holding me. And his arms stay locked underneath me. And I squeeze my thighs around his waist and I push his face into mine and I kiss him so passionately so that he knows I want him. I kiss him as if it's all I've ever known and all I'll ever know. And he moves his lips on mine like he'll never want anything else in this world ever again. I feel him step and lift me onto the counter. His hands move down, down to my thighs. And I let my fingers wander in his hair and I don't let my lips leave his for a second. I can't. But my stomach grumbles and I feel his lips leave mine. My eyes are still locked shut, and it takes me a second to open them. When I do, he's already looking back at me. 

"I'm hungry too," he says.

And he grabs the room service menu and drags me into the bedroom. I just let him pull me along, and I feel like I'm floating. 

Turns out, I'm hungry for food, too, because I order a ton of it. And while we wait, we just lay in bed and flick through the channels on the TV. Peeta operates the remote with one hand and rubs my back with the other, sending tingles through my body. I curl up next to him with my head on his pillow, one arm on his chest. When the food comes, we sit up and devour it. One more night, and then we can go home.