Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 14

 All through the night Peeta kicks me in a restless sleep. I'm too scared to go to sleep. And when morning comes and Peeta opens his no longer wet eyes, I still don't move. He tries to adjust his position and sit up, but my grip stays firm on his forearms, not letting them move from their position around my stomach.

"Katniss?" I hear Peeta say.

"Katniss?" He says it again but I don't acknowledge it.

I don't think I can. I don't want to. I remember this feeling. I felt it in the time before my trial. I wouldn't speak. It's happening again. The depression. 

"Katniss please say something," I hear Peeta say. He breaks from my grip and his face is now in mine. I blink. 

"Katniss I know you can hear me. You're having a relapse. Okay? Listen to me. Please take your depression pills. It'll help. It'll help you come out of this. I'm going to look for them. Please take them."

I hear his words but I don't reply. My mind falls back into thoughts of everything bad I've seen. The numbness takes over my entire body. I take the pills Peeta gives me. I drink the water he hands me. He knows I won't eat. He doesn't even bother. He leaves my room. I don't know how much time passes until he comes back with Haymitch, who fills my room with the smell of alcohol. Peeta speaks to me softly.

"I didn't know what to do. I can't let you do this to yourself again. So I told Haymitch. Can you listen to him, Katniss? I know that you usually do."

I hear Haymitch speak.

"Katniss. Turn your head and look at me."

I do it.

"Don't do this again. Say something to me."

I don't.

"Katniss tell me what happened. Now."

I sigh and finally say, "We were on the graveyard. And there's a rose in Prim's room."

That's all I say.

"It's not there anymore. The rose. Okay? It's all okay Katniss you can move on."

"I can't Haymitch! I see it all in my head! Everything I can't move on I never will!"

"Oh good. You can speak like a real person again. I see it too sweetheart. We all do. But see other things. Good things. Okay? Tell me a list of all the good things you've ever seen."

"I can't."

"Do it Katniss!"

"No."

Haymitch throws his hands up and storms out. Peeta fills his place, sitting down next to me.

"Hey. So you're gonna talk to me now?"

"Yes, Peeta."

"Good. Cause I'm gonna help you see that life can be good again.  And it will be. You'll see."

And just like I have committed myself to helping him, he's done the same thing to me. Because he is the dandelion in the spring. The promise that life can go on. So if anyone can end this all for me and show me that life can be good, it's going to be Peeta.

"I'm gonna start the list," says Peeta. And he does. He starts at his childhood. "My dad when he taught me and my brothers how to bake..." His list continues all the way up to the war, of which he has close to no memories that he can differentiate between being real or manufactured. He concludes by saying, "Hearing you sing. Your turn."

So I take a breath and start my list. It's tedious to say, but when I finish, I feel somewhat better. So when we walk down the stairs and outside on to my porch where we sit, I don't deny Peeta's request when he asks me to sing. I breathe in the newly warming air and I start the first verse of The Hanging Tree. And when I finish, mockingjays in the trees, with snow melting off of them, pick up my song. And I known they'll carry it all the way into the town. 

"Your voice is beautiful."

I blush.

"You're beautiful."

I feel my cheeks get hot.

"No I'm not."

"I think you are."

And with that, Peeta stands up, waves goodbye, and I watch him walk through his door. I turn and do the same. When I go upstairs to shower, I see Peeta in his bedroom. "Thank you," I mouth to him. And I smile so that he knows I mean for the help, not the compliment.