Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 38

"Katniss are you okay?"

That's the first thing that I hear when I get off stage and back into the small holding room. Peeta's voice in my ear. I don't see anything. My eyes flood with tears and I bury my face in my hands as I let myself fall to the couch. I'm stressed out from being in front of the cameras. I'm heartbroken from revealing personal details. I'm furious that even kissing Peeta didn't stifle these emotions. I'm filled with self-hatred at the fact that I can't and never will be as strong as anyone else. I miss Prim most of all. Through tear-blurred vision, I see Peeta directly in front of my face. Annie and Johanna are on either side of me. Beetee and Haymitch stand behind Peeta, who's in a crouching position as to make his eyes level with mine.

"Katniss what wrong? Was it Prim? Was it the interviews? Let me help you. Please."

He's actually pleading with me, that's how much this hurts him.

"Come on, Katniss. It's okay. Look! Everyone else is okay. It's gonna be okay."

He's right. Everyone else is okay. But I'm here crying in front of everyone. I really am weak. But Peeta continues to play the guessing game with me.

"Was it what Caesar first asked? Katniss if that's what you're upset about, I told you already. We don't have to have a label or get married or anything for you to show me you love me. I'm not asking for that."

Then Johanna chimes in.

"If you're not gonna tell him what it is then stop crying. We all want to help you. Look Katniss he loves you and he's begging you to let him help and you won't even speak! I would kill to have someone do that for me!"

She has an effect on me that is similar to another person that I used to know. She sparks my rage and hatred. She's like Gale. He did this to me so many times. And now Johanna's doing it. I'm furious at her and I'm broken and I can't handle my own emotions. I almost knee Peeta in the face when I spin around and throw myself at her. I'm throwing punches, and Johanna is not one to go down without a fight. She throws me off the couch with a knee to my stomach and it doesn't take more than two seconds for everyone else to get involved. Annie's yelling at us to stop, but it takes Peeta's strength to pull me off of Johanna. It's too late, I'm already filled with a fire that I can't put out. So when he puts me on the ground and says, "Katniss what the hell?"

Peeta becomes my punching bag again. I grab his collar and I'm yelling at him using words that don't even make sense put together.  He doesn't react. He won't react. He won't hurt me. And I take that for granted when I start attacking him like a crazy animal. I've already scratched down his face when Haymitch grabs my shoulder and throws me off him. Peeta didn't even try to stop me. He just let me hurt him. I feel Haymitch grab my neck and swing it around towards Peeta, who's now huddled in a ball and shaking violently. Then Annie starts in with me.

"Katniss see what you did to him!"

I take a deep breath, realizing my stupidity. I took for granted the fact that Peeta wouldn't think of fighting back against me. But I've forgotten that half of him would kill me as soon as he got the chance. I hate myself so much for what I just did. I turn and slam my head against the wall so hard that it hurts. But it numbs the pain.

"Katniss stop!" Annie screams.

I don't stop. And the last thing I see before I black myself out is Peeta, still shaking, helpless against himself.

~

I open my eyes to an unfamiliar hospital room, but I see familiar faces. Haymitch, Annie, Johanna, Dr. Aurelius, and President Paylor.

"She's up," Haymitch comments in a monotoned voice.

No one looks happy. I don't see Peeta anywhere. My head spins when I try to lift it from the pillow. Then, Paylor starts to speak to me in a very frank voice.

"Katniss, it seems as if Dr. Aurelius had misjudged your diagnosis when he allowed you to be free of your pills, weekly calls, and District 12 detainment. Obviously, you've had a relapse into your previous depression."

"What does that mean?" I ask, noting the fact that my voice sounds indifferent to the severity of my condition.

"It means that you've deteriorated after a period of improvement."

I don't respond. That actually sounds about right. Deterioration. That seems like the exact word to describe it. She continues.

"Unfortunately, this means we have to reinforce the terms of you're release that were put in place after your trial. You will take your medication. You will not leave your district. And you will speak with Dr. Aurelius for 30 minutes each week. In addition, there will be a police officer to check on you to make sure these tasks are carried out."

"Police officer?" I ask.

"Yes. It's like a peacekeeper. And although we are now a functioning democratic government, we still need for rules to be enforced. Police officers do the work of a peacekeeper, but without stripping you of your rights."

I nod at these terms, which I hate, but must accept.

"Goodbye, Katniss. And I really do hope you feel better," Paylor says as she walks out the door.

"I'm so sorry," I say, looking directly at Johanna. Her eye is bruised from my punch.

"Whatever," she says.

"No, please forgive me?"

"Are you begging?"

A smile forms on Johanna's face.

"Yes!" I say back, rolling my eyes at her.

"Then fine, I forgive you," she says, coming over and giving me a quick hug.

"I'm sorry to all of you," I say.

Annie gives me a lengthier hug before she and Johanna announce that they have to catch the train home. They say goodbye to me and leave me with Haymitch.

"Why does my head hurt?" I say in a harsh tone.

"You gave yourself a concussion. That's dumb, right?" He says in a voice that expresses his angry at me.

"I have a concussion!?"

"Yep. And it was your own fault too," he says with a laugh.

"Where's Peeta?" I finally ask after a long silence.

"Oh! Thinking of the boy now, are we?"

"Haymitch what happened to him!?" I scream, suddenly alarmed.

"Same thing that happened to you. He had a relapse. He is conscious but he's not... Himself."

I know what Haymitch means, but I still say, "What?"

"He's still confused about what's what. The doctors are working with him. He'll be okay as soon as he gets his facts straight. He doesn't think you're a mutt anymore, if that's what you're asking. He's trained himself on the subject of 'Katniss' quite well. He keeps asking to see you, so he'll probably be in soon. Don't worry. He's okay. He loves you. Which is something that you're still accustomed to from him, which blows my mind, because you can live 100 life times and never deserve him."

He said that to me about Peeta before.

"Okay. I get it. I'm not a fan of the repeated lines though."

He just snorts and stands up to leave. And I guess I set this one up when I ask,

"Do I get any food?"

"I already ate it," he says. He's also said that to me before.

"Damn you." I say as he leave the room, annoyed with him for eating my food and reminding me how unworthy of Peeta that I am. I try to focus on anything else besides the hunger in my stomach and the pain in my head and the hurt in my heart. I try so hard to think of something that will make me happy that I don't even notice that Peeta has walked in until he sits down right on my bed and gently takes my hand in his.