Begin Again [Wattys 2013 Finalist]

Chapter 22

Katniss' POV

I take Haymitch's advice. I always do. The way a daughter would do to her father. But it means that I'm suffering another night without Peeta. I break him over and over again. And he's fragile. And I'm fragile. And we're not the same kids we were two years ago. Innocent. Tributes. Star-crossed lovers. And we're not the same kids we were last year. Fighters. Symbols. Rebels. We're Katniss and Peeta. No. We're Katniss. And Peeta. And right now were broken and weak. I am, at least. I don't know where he is, but I want to find him. Maybe I won't stick to Haymitch's advice. I walk up the stairs to my cold, black room. I remember my pledge to let Peeta be happy without me. Maybe I won't stick to that either. I change into pajamas and sit on the edge of my bed. I go through the list of good things I've seen in my life. I hope that the worst is over. I've suffered so much, there's nothing left. Nothing else can happen. And you don't get to choose how much you suffer or how much joy you experience. That much I know. I can just hope that then suffering is over. My eyes flutter closed, but in what feels like seconds later, I wake up to the sound of my own screams. I stand up too quickly and find myself leaning into the wall. I finally will myself to push up and walk to the bathroom to get water. Nightmares. They break me each night I experience them without Peeta. And as I gulp down my water, I feel myself breaking. Again. Again without Peeta.