Save Me From Myself

Chapter 9- Feelings

I took Dan's hand and we headed to the town car he rented. Usually he was a cab fan, but whenever he wanted to hurry up to a place he rented a black window tinted car. Because he couldn't drive he also hired a driver.

We sat in the back and I gently put my head on his shoulder, almost the same as in the night he took me the first time to his apartment. But this time I wasn't scared anymore. His presence calmed me down, made me happy.

"You missed me kiddo, eh?"
"I did...I really did..."
"You are miles away again, you're almost going to burst into tears. Are you okay?"
"Yes I am...don't worry, it's just the news, a big shock...is she nice?"
"She is a model, we met through work the day I landed and things clicked...I asked her out and we found that we had a lot of things in common...and I decided to give it a try, see where things go. You are going to love her. She is different than Mel...You will meet her in London in a couple of days."

I just nodded as I looked out the window at the city unveiling in front of my eyes. The lads were already at the pub, Mark with his wine and Glen playing with a glass of half drank beer. As we got in Glen's face all lit up. He offered the seat next to him which I took only after looking in Dan's eyes first and seeing his approval and a certain twitch I didn't recognise.

Unfortunately Mark saw the silent exchanges and frowned. He asked Dan to join him out for a cigarette leaving me and Glen to chat.

"Hey Al, looking wonderful as always. How is the portfolio going?"
"It's actually working out pretty well Glen, found some nice shots of you and Mark, if you want I can send them to you."
"Would love that, and I'm really curious on how it will look."
"It will look great. Dan will help me sort out some pictures."
"Excited for London?"
"Hmmm...not really..."
"I really have no chance with you no?"

I looked deep in Glen's blue eyes. And he understood.  Just before the lads came back he added.
"Fight for him Al, if you really care about him fight for him."

Dan came back visibly annoyed and I exchanged glances with Mark. Was I the only one missing the plot around?

"Now let's drink! For Al's future success as a photographer!", said Mark raising his wine glass.
"And for new beginnings.", I added smiling at Mark.
"And for the new upcoming album!", added Dan giggling.

The atmosphere changed to a relaxed friendly one. Guess alcohol really did wonders when it came to the lads. We went back home laughing and giggling and joking. My mood changed from the sad one to a flirty one as I bounced down the street holding Dan's hand. Glen and Mark shared a cab, and there we were just me and him. The world suddenly became smaller as I pulled him on Grafton Street.

"I like seeing you happy. I never want to see you cry again, okay Al?"
"You make me happy...seriously I have never been more happier in my life!"
"Is that the wine talking or is it you?"
"You know it's me! You seriously make me happy and I can't thank you enough for this wonderful opportunity you have given me.", I said balancing from one foot to another.

He caught me in his arms just as I almost fell to the ground in one of my childish jumps. My heart started beating faster when I felt his body so close to mine.

"You have wine on your lips.", he noticed as I looked up to him.
"I'm drunk Dan, it's the second time this happens when you are around."
"What do you feel about me?", he asked me taking a strand of my hair out of my eyes.
"I feel that you make me happy...and seeing you happy makes me happy...and I feel that when you're not around me I have no purpose...You are my best friend Dan..."
"You seriously feel that?", he asked me not letting me go from his arms.
"I feel weird Dan...not feeling too bright now, guess I should've slowed down...", I said putting a hand on my forehead.
"You're not drunk, I know when you are drunk and right now you aren't...now tell me...is that really what you feel for me?", he asked again on an even more serious note.
"It doesn't matter what I feel, you are all wrapped up in a nice, glamorous, shiny model, who probably doesn't drink too much wine and doesn't make a fool of herself!", I spat the words out nervously.

He let me go disappointed and then rushed back towards me. I had the weird feeling from the look on his face that he will hit me. Instead he took my hand and caressed my check gently. He did that a lot lately for a man who was going to move in with his model girlfriend.

"You wanna know what I talked to Mark outside?"
"Does it matter?"
"Yes it does, I want you to listen carefully to me, okay?"

I nodded as he took my hand and walked towards the Liffey. The air was cold outside, but I was really curious of what he had to say, so I sat down on a bench. He sat next to me, not letting go of my hand for a single minute, drawing imaginary circles with his thumb on my hand.

"Mark noticed how close we have become, it was like we were completing each other, so he asked me what was the deal with the model. I told him that I needed someone in my life to talk to and understand me for who I was. So his natural question was why aren't we together. And I answered that I was scared."
"Why do I scare you?"
"You are too gentle, I fear that I may break your heart one day, that is why I only treated you as a friend and nothing more. When I kissed you, I did it because I wanted to kiss you, I don't want to make Melissa jealous. It was over a long time ago. Because she didn't understand my dreams. You gave me a pen and a pencil and just stood there waiting for me to recover from my weird states I was going through. It took me a lot of will power not to go in your room when you were sleeping and just get in the bed with you and cuddle you and protect you. I have feelings for you Al, and I know Glen likes you too..."
"But I don't feel anything for Glen. Didn't you figure that one out?"
"I was in doubt, but today when you started crying and you just held me in your arms, not letting me go, I figured it out. The model things was a way of convincing myself. I just went out with her twice, nothing happened, not even a kiss, I couldn't."
"Why?"
"Because I have feelings for you. I know it's only been a month and a half since the whole thing with your ex, and I tried fighting those feelings but I couldn't. That is why I left. I wanted to build walls between us, let you be happy."
"I'm not happy when you're not around. I'm not..."
"Me neither. I was supposed to stay three weeks in London, but I couldn't...I couldn't stay away from you no matter how hard I tried. And I want you to come to London with me...as my girlfriend, my official girlfriend."

There it was...he felt the same thing about me. He felt consumed about the same thoughts I was consumed every night. My rational part of me protested.

"But what about the whole portfolio? The whole..."
"Fuck that! You can be our photographer, get paid for that, but I don't wanna stay a single day more away from you. What do you say? Do you want to go on this road with me?"
"I do Dan, you know very well that I do! I would go anywhere with you! I feel the same about you! Don't you get it? I love you! No, that didn't sound right...I have feelings for you! And I want to be with you!"
"Now come here, next to me, I want to kiss you and then carry you home in my arms."
"It's a long way to Dublin 4, your arms will get tired."
"I don't care. I really don't care.", he said kissing me eagerly, filled with desire and passion.
"You know what I felt when you said you were moving away? I don't know if this will make any sense but it's how I feel.", I said looking at him.
"Tell me, you know I always love it when you tell me how you feel."
"You knocked me sideways, when you said that you were leaving, it knocked me over to hear when you were taking that decision, and when you're trying to save me from your past of bad decisions I feel like breaking down. I am nothing without you, I seriously am...and I will follow you everywhere you tell me, because I can't let you go. Because I'm not whole with you..."
"You know this would go perfect in a song...", he said kissing my lips again and again.
"Well, if you can use something for a song, it's more than welcome."
"You are my inspiration. I did actually write a song for you, but I will show it to you when the time is right. Now as I promised I will carry you home in my arms.", he said taking me in his arms like a child and kissing my lips again.