Save Me From Myself

Chapter 16-Meeting an Old Friend

I landed on Dublin airport and after that 12 hour flight I wanted to kiss the Irish ground. It was awful. The weather was bad, and it wasn't enough that we were 30,000 feet in the air, we had to be blown like leafs in the wind. I hated the sensation the plane gave me. A car was one thing, you were on the ground, but in a plane your life was in someone else's hands for the whole duration of the flight.

So you get my drift and the fact that I hate putting my life in someone else's hands. I quickly ran to the baggage claim point and then I waited patiently for Glen to pick me up. He promised to come and pick me up. A little part of me wanted Dan to be there too. It's been two years now, two years in which I forgave his indiscretion, a million times already.

As a matter of fact I almost understood why. He was used to be such a free spirit and I would've tied him down too soon. He still had a lot of things to see, do and a lot of people to meet. The first months after our breakup I was asked by their management to shoot some photos, an offer I declined just as fast as it came. I was too mad at him. And look at me now, I yearned to have him close. I read all the interviews he gave, looked at millions of pictures, just to kill myself slowly. He was still the handsome man I met years ago, he still had that crooked, goofy smile and that spark that almost warned you he is a hard to tame man.

I never talked about him to Glen. It was better for him to think that I moved on. But how could I move on when I was still in love with him? How could I move on when his memory still haunted me and his whole being was always in my dreams? The was he kissed me, the way he held me in his strong arms, the way he used to sleep, softly making noises in his sleep?

I pulled my trolley and I carried my case where all my equipment was. The camera he bought me was still among my favourites, even though I had a dozen more of them and the lenses to match. Glen was waiting for me at the exit, dark glasses and a beanie so not to be recognised. But no matter how hard he disguised I still recognised him. That warm smile was hard to miss. I hugged him tightly, inhaling his cologne.

"Al, you fucking changed! I barely recognised you from the last time. Your hair was..."
"Blue. I know. Now I'm back to black. Just a phase."
"How was Australia?"
"Fecking hot! Oh god I thought I would melt, or worse that the lens will melt!", I giggled.
"Well, welcome home! It rains outside."
"You don't wanna know how much I missed that!", I said throwing my trolley in the trunk and placing the  equipment on top.
"Well, we have plenty of rain."
"Good, how was tour? How is the album going?"
"The tour finished a long time ago and the album, we finished that too."
"Can't wait to hear it! You have to sing to me a snippet of it!", I said lighting up a cigarette and pulling down the window.
"Well...I don't know how I could compare to..."
"Don't worry you can say his name, it's not like it's satan or anything. I'm not mad at him anymore. By the way how is he?", I asked letting the smoke out.
"Okay...he misses you Al...there I said it! God! He misses you like hell, like the desert misses the rain. He's in Dublin too..."
"He is?"

I could feel my heart pounding from my chest. I was dying to find out more, but I knew Glen wouldn't tell me. He still had this whole thing where he didn't want to talk about him too much. That and the fact we shared a kiss once. In our defence we both felt lonely and it was nothing more than a kiss. We never discussed about it.

After a short silence Glen started.

"Al, if you want to see him, why don't you call him?"
"And do what Glen! Talk about what? About how he didn't even call me, about how he just let me go? Just like that?"
"It took him a lot of will power not to call you, he knew he was guilty and the only thing he ended up doing at least for the first five months was getting drunk in the house and giving us all means of communication with the world."
"I wanted him not to give me up without a fight. Not like that, just stand there and look at me as I packed my bags and moved to Dublin! I wanted him to fight for me!"
"He knew he was guilty Al, he knew he fucked up. That is why he didn't do anything. I see you still wear the ring.", he said pointing to my hand.
"Yes I still do. I still didn't let him go. I couldn't."
"Okay...here we are, he sighed as he was parking the car, see you tonight right?"
"Yep, eight o clock The Coach House."
"Sure you're not too tired?"
"Tired for a meet up with one of my closest friends, hmmm, not in a million years."

I slept most of the flight, thanks to Xanax, I wasn't that panicked. So I felt rested. I jumped in the shower and peeled off my dirty clothes, throwing them in the washing machine. And it was 12 in the afternoon so I had plenty of time to sleep. I dozed off for a couple of hours, just to make sure I was well rested then looked at some photos and in my Filofax. No one could understand how in the era of technology and Blackberry phones I still used the classic pen and paper. A habit I got from Dan. He never kept track of things over phones. He liked it the old fashioned way.

As I sat at my desk I looked at a framed picture. It was me and him, Dublin City, on a rainy night. We decided to do the whole cliche regarding his songs at one point. And it was so damn easy. No one knew I still kept all the pictures, all the memories, not even Karla. Some of them were stored in boxes, some of them were a silent testimony spread all around the apartment. A pillow we found in Winter Wonderland in London, a throw that was on my leather couch, fitting like a nut in the wall. But I didn't care. I loved them. They were what was left of us and I couldn't give them up so easily.

I never dated anyone after we broke up. Not even casually. I was too busy with work and I didn't want to fill up his place. I'm idiot, for still hoping he would love me still, but the words Glen told me today, that made me think a lot.

As the time was passing I started to get dressed, something casual, I was fucking sick of those suits I had to wear all the time, that didn't allow me not even to breathe. My first option, a pair of skinny leather jeans and a top, with a vest over it. Hair tied up in a messy bun, not a single trace of make up on my face.

"Out for a party?", the taxi driver asked me in the worst Cork accent.
"No, just meeting an old friend."
"You look like you are out for the kill."
"Not even close, just a casual night out in town.", I replied arranging myself better in the leather seat.

He was awfully chatty, like all taxi drivers, but I didn't feel able to chat. I felt like something was about to happen and I couldn't quite place my finger what was it. After paying my fair I went inside, where the familiar smell of food and alcohol welcomed me. As I rolled my eyes around the room to spot Glen, I spotted a more than familiar silhouette sitting at the bar.

Those broad shoulders, that hair done on point, the crooked smile. It was him!
I went towards him, heart beating from my chest, almost piercing through my skin and placed my hand on his shoulder. He turned round surprised and in his eyes I could see he was as nervous as I was. He was wearing his glasses, the ones he usually wore when he was at home. He hated contacts, he would rub his eyes for at least half an hour after he removed them.

"Al! Hey...wow, long time no see...", he said squeezing me into a weird hug.
"Yeah...long time no see...where's Glen?"
"Glen told me he couldn't make it tonight, so he sent me instead."
"How convenient...well, as long as we are here, might as well sit and chat. A double Jack, on the rocks and a diet Coke.", I said swinging to the bartender.
"How are you Al?"
"Good, I'm good. Busy with work."
"That's great, Glen told me today you were in Australia?"
"Yes...it was hot. But fun as well, what about you?"
"Just as you know me. Studio, tour, interviews....same old..."
"Good...good to hear that you are okay..."
"You lost weight. You are so thin now...", he noticed.
"Life on the road, you look pretty much the same, give or take a few grey hairs.", I smiled.
"What can I say, I'm not in my twenties anymore."
"Well, you don't grow old, you grow wise, at least that's what I think. And you weren't in your twenties when we met..."
"I don't know what to say about the wise part.",he smiled.

A weary smile, but still a smile.
After a short break I decided to ask him...

"What happened between us Dan? Where did we lose ourselves?", I asked him.
"We didn't lose ourselves, I lost myself....I missed you...", he said gently touching my hand.
"I missed you too...", I admitted squeezing his hand in mine.