Save Me From Myself

Chapter 7- Letters from Dan

27. August. 2006, Venice Beach, Los Angeles

"My sweet love,

I'm sorry I wrote you so rarely, but even so, my thoughts were with you every second. You know how you love someone so much that love is the only drug you need? I bet you do, I feel it in your voice every time we speak on the phone. I stumbled across some really old photos of us. Even the one we took in that photo booth in Dublin. Your hair was wet because outside was pouring, but I still convinced you to take a photo. And I must say, that made me write you a song.

I know it's not much but...this is all I have, at least for now. You probably wonder why I wrote you this song... I did it because for now, it's all I have to give you...I was really drunk( I know, I know, you are frowning when you read this, but we had reasons to celebrate-we got in touch with some old friends from the music industry and they asked us to remix some songs and write some more songs. Secretly we are working on some new tracks for our own album, but lemme get back to the song)

There is a time in ones life when the only thing you have to give to someone is your own self. And you sit in a room where the heat is unbearable at 4 in the morning, thinking and missing. Missing the person you love. Don't think I forgot about our anniversary. I haven't...I know I was a bit distant but it wasn't because I love you less. The love I have for you is growing more and more every day. The only thing that pained me was that I wasn't there to celebrate it with you...I saw a diamond ring in a shop today and I said to myself I will buy it for you. To make up for all the anniversaries I will most probably miss. The song I wrote is about giving everything you have to the person you love.

I will spoil you a bit with the chorus because I will sing it to you the next time we meet. I may not have the softest touch, I may not say the words as such...and though I may not look like much, but I'm yours.

I love you always and forever.

Yours, Dan."

I read a couple of more letters before I went to sleep and the words Dan wrote made me realise that underneath the armour he had, he was really a sensitive man. Some of the letters were filled with old memories of the two of them, some with what he did everyday and some, at a first glance had no logic in them. But they all had a common ground: his love for Melissa.

I started to understand why he was so attached to her still. That woman was there for him when no one else was, believed in him and supported him no matter what. And above all, she loved him back.

When reading these letters I didn't realise why they ever broke up. Their relationship seemed strong. What was the reason to it? After all she was there in his hardest times and now when he finally made it big she just vanished.

They could've had their whole lives ahead of them, kids, a family, things that any woman would wish. And Dan was a romantic man. I mean, what woman wouldn't want that? Charisma, intelligence, sensitivity, romance...the whole package.

I was woken up from my thoughts by my phone. It was Dan trying to do a video call. I put the letter back in the box and answered the phone. He was in a better mood. Looks like London was good for him.

"Hiya Al, how's Ireland?"
"Perfect, how's London?"
"Rainy...what would you expect right? Is that a cigarette in your hand?"
"Yeah, you forgot them as usual...and looks like a smoker never actually quits smoking."
"How is everything in the house?"
"The way you left them... I haven't moved from the couch ever since I got from the airport..."
"Miss me?", he asked with a wink.
"Well...I miss the noise around the house, you playing piano...kinda got used to that. Even listening to you singing in the shower."
"Wow you must miss me a lot, then. I will be back in about three weeks, don't worry...now get some sleep you're tired."
"I will...you too. Night night Dan."
"By the way, my room off limits!"
"I wouldn't go near your room, who knows what I may find there?", I answered blushing.

He seemed to have noticed that and his response came immediately.

"You have been into my room. What did you find there?"
"Well...apart from a big mess..."
"You found the letters haven't you?"
"Are you mad?"
"No. I'm not.", he said massaging his temples.

After a short break he asked me.
"Have you read them?"
"Partly, I admitted, but there's nothing to be ashamed of. Actually it shows a side I have never seen of you before..."
"A side I will never show again, you know. I was a kid and I fell in love. I really don't want that to happen..."
"It's not something bad to fall in love, you know, and someday you will love again, you just gotta let people in. It's not bad if someone sees that side of you."
"Since when did you become so wise?"
"Since I spent a lot of time with the wrong person. But when the time is right I will peel my eyes and look carefully before falling in love. I would love to love again."
"Would you? Do you have any wine in the house?"
"I think so. If you left something, it's probably in the same place."
"I'm not sleepy and I want a drinking buddy. Care to join?"
"Lemme have a look at what's in the counter. Oohhh vodka...I screamed from the kitchen. Good thing I have some orange juice in the fridge."
"Good...now, cheers, he said taking a sip from his drink. Let's play a game. Truth or dare."
"Cheers, I answered back taking a swig from the vodka orange. Let's, who goes first?"
"Ladies first, truth or dare?"
"Since we don't have many dares to do I go for truth...", I answered smiling.
"You have a pretty smile, mysterious. Haven't noticed that before. Okay so truth. What do you think of me?"
"Hmm. You are a strong man, much stronger than you think you are. And you are interesting, you make me feel comfortable in your presence. But I am also scared. Because if you end up broken hearted again, you will shut yourself out from everyone. Now, my turn. Truth or dare?"
"Accurate description by the way, I choose truth.", he answered taking a swig from his drink.
"Why didn't you never send all those letters? Even if you broke up?"
"I was pretty sure you'll ask me that. Because at one point I knew she clearly moved on and sending those letters would have hurt her. I would never do anything to hurt her. Now your turn truth or dare?"
"Dare."
"I dare you to say what you felt when I kissed you. Because you kissed me back. And how you feel about working with Melissa."
"The truth? I felt awkward. I knew it was something forced and I never want things to come as forced. I kissed you back to be more convincing. And working with her makes me feel weird. I don't feel like it's a good idea to take photos of your ex. But she is a model and she might give a hand making my portfolio look more credible. She seems like a nice person that's the fact but I can't help but feel as awkward as I did when you kissed me. Truth or dare?"

There it was I said it. Or the vodka did. The words just came out of my mouth without thinking. Well, I thought that it would've been nice for him to kiss me when the timing was right, not as a way of protecting himself, or making her jealous.

"Wow, you were brutally honest. Truth."
"You're a very honest man tonight I must add."
"I'm always honest, now fire away."
"What do you feel about me?"

I swear I won't touch vodka in my life, I thought making a mental note to self. Never ever in my life.

"Well, tough one Alexis. I feel like I want to protect you, because you've been through so many. But in the same time I'm scared of you. I'm scared because I don't know what lies in that pretty little head of yours. And I see it in your eyes. That glow. It's a glow that scares me a lot."

Ok so I scare him...that's great, just perfect. The man I have feelings about feels scared when it comes to me.  I smiled taking a big gulp from my glass. Then Dan's expression changed.

"Now last question of the night love, truth or dare?"
"Truth."
"Do you have any feelings for me? And I'm not thinking of brotherly friendly feelings."

With a lot of courage and the vodka in my system I managed to lie to Dan for the first time.

I answered his question in a simple way.

"No, you are my friend. And I care for you as a friend."

Guess vodka makes you a good liar as well.