Save Me From Myself

Chapter 17-How Will I Know?

I looked up into his eyes and smiled. I guess the two of us were surprised that we still talked as normal people, not holding a grudge. My heart was beating in an abnormally fast way as Dan asked me for a walk.

"But I don't have a jacket. I wasn't expecting to see you. And I wasn't planning this..."
"We can grab a cab, and then go to city centre. Or if you feel adventurous we can take the bus."
"Why not? Let's go by bus. It will be fun.", I answered grabbing my bag.

I still had the bag that he gave me. He noticed that and smiled as he put his jacket on my shoulders.

"But what will you wear? It's cold outside!"
"I'm two minutes away from my mum's house, really sure I will find something there.", he said swinging out the door, letting me wait for him.

He came back really fast wearing a light blue old hoodie. His hair was in a beautiful mess and his glasses were crooked on his nose. He didn't even look in the mirror for fear I might go.

"Hope you won't be ashamed to hang out with a 35 year old guy who found an old childhood hoodie around the house."
"No, I don't mind, but let me take care of the other aspects.", I said putting his glasses in their right place and arranging his hair a little bit. He rested his chin on my hand, slowly closing his eyes, enjoying the closeness between us.

I on the other hand enjoyed it too. I longed for how his presence made me feel, how my stomach turned when his skin touched me.

"Now, bus! I haven't been on a bus in years!"
"Me neither, to my shame.", I said hopping on the bus and clinging to a chair.
"You know you are so beautiful, I didn't get the chance to tell you that...", he said grabbing my chin gently, forcing me to look in his eyes.
"Thank you...you haven't changed a bit. Still the handsome man I remember."
"I'm older, see a lot of lines...", he said pointing to his face.
"Still handsome...", I said leaning towards him as the bus turned to the city.

We stood in silence the rest of the bus ride, casually looking in each other's eyes and smiling. As we got off the bus in city centre out instinct was to just take each other's hands.

"I'm sorry...force of habit...", he excused himself.
"I'm sorry...your girlfriend must..."
"I don't have a girlfriend, but you..."
"I'm still single...", I murmured.
"Okay what the fuck are we doing now? We can't deny some feelings, from both sides, still we act like complete strangers. Why?", snapped Dan as we walked down the streets.
"Why? You wanna know why? You fucking cheated on me Dan! Why did you do that? Ok, no, scratch that, I forgave you for that a million times already!Why didn't you call for two years? Why, did you just give up on me like that? Without a single fight!", I snapped back at him, waving my hands in the middle of the street.

Neither one of us cared about the consequences, nor the fact that some people recognised him as they passed by us.

"You wanna know why Al? You wanna know why? I couldn't even look you in the eyes! I felt so dirty for what I did that I wanted to rip the skin off my bones! I felt so guilty for letting you go but I had no right to force you to stay with me, to fucking beg you to take me back! Your face and touch haunted me every night, I couldn't sleep, I poisoned myself with litres of alcohol, I was a train wreck! But I kept on going! Because I knew I wasn't right for you!"
"I didn't want you to let me go! Can you realise that one? I didn't! I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to call me! You wanna know how many sleepless nights I spent? You wanna know that? Thinking of you! I couldn't fucking move on because I was still in love with you! I comforted myself every night with your photo close to me! I cried myself to sleep, because what the hell I thought I pulled you down!"
"I fucking chickened out Al! I wanted to kill myself for hurting you! I swore never to make you cry and I did! Wait...what did you just say?", he asked cautiously.
"How can I move on when I'm still in love with you? Remember those words?! You should, you fucking wrote them! They haunted me every night! I couldn't move on!, I answered lowering my voice a little bit.