Save Me From Myself

Chapter 11-Six Degrees of Separation

Five months later

It was late November and you could feel the holiday spirit taking over each and every one. I was with Glen and Karla in town preparing for the start of the holiday season. Dan locked himself in the studio, for what he stated would be the most epic surprise he ever made.

"Oh come on Glen give me a hint! A teenie weenie hint!!!", I squeaked as I pulled my scarf over my nose.
"You know I can't Dan is my mate and you are his girlfriend and although you most definitely look sexier than him in a dress(Halloween costumes, long story), I can't give out the secret.
"A little hint, is not giving out the secret. Come on!!!", I said hugging Glen tightly.

He seemed to enjoy this close hug which made me wonder if he still had feelings for me. We haven't actually discussed this topic ever since me and Dan formed a couple and he didn't seem bothered by that fact. He was still friendly and kind as usual, but something felt really odd about this hug.

I decided to give it a rest since he wouldn't have told me about what Dan was up to anyways. We continued having a look down the shops and then me and Karla went to the apartment that Dan and I rented. It was a lot smaller than the one in Dublin, but for me who was spending most of the time in it was just right. Since Dan was always on the road and I was most of the time alone, a big space was far too much for me.

So we opted for a small two bedroom apartment in Camden which was absolutely perfect.

"So what is the plan for tonight? I'm all yours.", smiled Karla as she took a seat on the sofa.
"Well, I have a bottle or two of wine around the house. Dan always keeps supplies. It's our dinner ritual."
"Oh you guys are so cute! You have rituals and stuff like that! Now, tell me, how is he in bed? Tell me everything and bring the wine!", shouted Karla happily.

We were like a bunch of school girls talking about our first experiences with men. I missed Karla and our chats. I really did. Ever since we moved to London and Dan started touring, I got a job as a photographer and things started working out for me as well.

I poured wine into two glasses and took a seat on the armchair, putting my legs underneath me.

"Well, Dan is actually very romantic in bed, he is always taking care of me, making sure I feel good. Everything is an art to him, even love making."
"You know the girls back home are all jealous of you. Especially Lisa. She wanted to ask him out so bad."
"Well, he is special. I love him...I really do, he makes me so happy."
"Did he ever tell you he loves you?"
"As a matter of fact he didn't, neither of us did. But I don't know if it will happen, I guess we will say that to each other when we feel it."

I see Karla's eyes widen in shock. She doesn't like the whole not expressing the feelings part.

"And are you okay with it?"
"Yes I am, Dan is amazing. Seriously. He is. And he makes me happy. And he doesn't have to tell me he loves me for me to realise that, seriously."
"I like the way he changed you, you look a lot happier. And if you two are happy then I'm happy for you. Now I have to go to the loo. Happen to have any nice cosmetics while we are at it?"
"Yes check my bathroom cupboard. The one on the left, because Dan has everything in the one on the right and if you open it things might fall out of it. Believe me it happened to me!", I shout to Karla as she runs to the bathroom.

And then it hits me. She shouldn't look in the cupboard. Dan doesn't touch it because I have a lot of things that he doesn't want to see.

I shout to Karla not to look in the cupboard as I jump from the chair but it's too late. She turns to me holding two orange medication bottles with my name on it.

"Al what are these? Why is your name on these?"
"What? Nothing."
"Al, these are heavy sleeping pills and anxiety medication and anti depressants! Al what is going on?"
"Nothing."
"Al, this isn't clearly nothing!", she says raising her voice a couple of notches.

I look at her with the word guilt written all over my face. Ever since me and Nicholas broke up, I decided to go to a psychologist for my anxiety and depression. And the improved mood, all pills. Dan had no idea how hard leaving me alone at home was. I had panic attacks, and every noise I heard made me jump with fear.

"I have suffered from depression. I was pregnant with Nicholas and I lost the pregnancy, due to all the treatment he has given me. I am scared of the slightest noise that I hear when I am alone. So I have to take these."
"Does Dan know?"
"No, he doesn't. I stopped taking them for a couple of days, because half those pills make me sleepy."
"Al, hun, why didn't you tell me that! Why don't you talk to Dan?"
"Because he might think I am a freak! That I am crazy. And we are working so well, we get along well and I don't want anything to happen between us."
"Dan is a good man, he would understand..."
"I probably can't get pregnant again. He may  want children and I can't give them to him."

Karla took me into her arms and hugged me tightly, calming me down.

"Let's calm down. Here, have some water."
"He may have any woman he wants. Have you seen the women around him?"
"Still, he is with you, he and his friends did the most beautiful thing for you, gave you a new start, he is with you almost every time and he thinks about you constantly. You don't have to worry about it."

Karla sure had a way with words. She pretty much knew what to say and when to say it and that thing made me feel confident. I calmed down and we soon got back to the good disposition from before my little meltdown and I promised her that I won't be taking any pills anymore and that I will tell Dan what was going on with me.

"I have an idea, why don't we go to a bar and just, have some fun, get our groove on?"
"Sounds good, let me call Dan, see if he wants to join.", I said taking out my phone and dialling his number which I knew by heart.

Hmm...that's weird, no answer. He may be busy, but usually he answers the phone no matter what. I decided to text him to let him know I was going out and to ask him if he and the lads wanted to join us and then me and Karla went to the bedroom where we changed into some more appropriate clothes for a night out.

"How do I look?", she asked while she twirled around, showing me her little black dress she bought especially for London.
"Stunning, God, I would kill for this body of yours!"
"What are you talking about? You look absolutely amazing!"
"I am too skinny. Look at me. I used to have boobs and an ass, now I'm all flat and skinny. Dan isn't a big fan of skinny."
"Well you are skinny but not the bad skinny, you still have a bit of ass left so quit wining. I love those pants. They look so good on you!", she said pointing at my leather like skinny pants that I picked out last weekend.
"Thanks, and I wanna wear this too. It will work out perfectly, not too overdressed, just something casual.", I said picking out a white sweater from a neatly folded pile.

Since me and makeup weren't that close friends I opted for a nice neutral eye shadow and a neutral lip gloss. My hair was all over the place in a curly mess, and for the first time in the last months I decided to straighten it out.

"Wow, I haven't seen this side of you in a while! Your hair grew a lot!", exclaimed Karla as she put a hand through it.

We both took our coats and I checked my phone again. Still no text from Dan. It wasn't like him. We took a cab to a nice place Dan took me to and we took a seat at the bar. The place was already packed, and I didn't want to play the whole "I'm Danny O'Donoghue's girlfriend" card.

We each bought a cocktail and started chatting moving our bodies on the music. After a couple of cocktails we were both tipsy and we actually started dancing on the music, until Karla gave me a big nudge.

"Ow, why'd ya do that for?", I asked her frowning.
"Isn't that Dan?"
"Wait where?", I asked turning round to see where she was pointing.

There he was, it was hard not to recognise his distinct hairdo and the way he was sitting. He had his lanky way of sitting at the table, always changing positions, like a child who had too much energy and can't sit in one place. Right next to him was a young woman showing him something.

He must have an excuse, he wouldn't cheat on me, I said to myself, looking at him, leaning towards her, whispering something in her ear.
She leaned her head backwards unveiling a set of perfectly straight and white teeth, placing her hand on his.  That was just enough I had until I stormed out of the club, taking my coat and running out in the cold air, leaving Karla right there.