Save Me From Myself

Chapter 28-Broken Shadows

Alexis's POV

It was my fourth day in hospital and all I could think about was: when did I do this to myself? Why did I try to hurt myself so badly? Why did I wanted to hurt my unborn child and why did I wanted to hurt Glen so badly?

Glen, I smiled when I whispered his name. He tried so hard to give me a normal life and to make me happy and I was so ungrateful and such a bad person that I tried to slit my wrists and kill myself. After all, I was better dead than alive. I went on a downwards spiral to what was my personal hell. I lost the love I loved the most, the love of a man who was unconditionally beside me. I lost it because I wanted to lose it, not because he would ever stop loving me.

Sometimes I wondered, does he still cares about me? Did he still think of me when he wakes up, or when he goes to sleep? And then I realised: I loved Glen, but I still loved Dan too. Was he okay? Was he going on with his life or was he in pain? That subject was never brought up in the house. Glen never talked about him, even though I wished he would say something.

I knew they were friends still, and that they worked together and that Dan was slowly recovering, or that he recovered, but that was it. I turned my head from the window, to see Glen holding a bouquet of roses in his hands. Poor Glen...his eyes were red from the lack of sleep and he wasn't shaved as he used to be...That made me feel really guilty.

"Hey...how are you today? The doctor said you didn't want to talk to the therapist...Baby you need to do that..."
"I can't...I'm sorry Glen but I can't...how was rehearsal?"
"It was good...I talked to Dan...and he is okay with everything..."

Dan. It was the first time he said his name. Wow...that was something.

"Really? Is he really okay with everything? Is he not hiding away his feelings like always?"
"Nope, he was actually okay with everything. He moved on as well...met his new girlfriend...Really nice girl. He seems very happy. In love too...", added Glen.

Whoah...girlfriend? He moved on so quickly? After almost four years of being together, well actually two years of relationship and two years apart...he moved on? No...that little he cared about me? Who was that girl? I was itching to know more about this mystery woman from Dan's life, the woman I was quickly replaced by...but I couldn't ask more details. Instead I said.

"I'm glad that he is happy.", I replied dryly.
"Now I'm more focuses on you getting better...you have to get better. Al, why did you do this?"
"Because I am depressed. And because this whole sitting around doing nothing gets me depressed. And I want to go home...", I whined.

Whining wouldn't get me anywhere, not with Glen...after what I did, I was on arrest, and checked on every two minutes. After a while Glen went back home with the promise he would be back in a couple of hours time.

"That is enough for me...",my inner self said, as I got up from my bed and started looking for clothes in a big duffle bag I had hidden under the bed. I dressed up as quickly as the pregnancy allowed me to. I was almost three months pregnant and I felt like I was pregnant for two years. I had to see Dan, to talk to him, to hear from him that he is happy and that he doesn't need me anymore.

I slowly recovered my breath after I put on my shoes and went out the room, so as no one would notice. In my pocket I found a couple of pieces of paper, alongside some coins and a few more euros. And the key to his place. That was the only thing I couldn't give up. That should do it. It would be enough to take me from the hospital to his house and back.

I jumped in a cab and gave Dan's address. With my heart in my throat, I inserted the access code to the main gate and then the access code to the front door, went inside and waited patiently for the elevator. I stood a few seconds in front of his apartment door, listening. I could hear the piano play.

To my surprise the key fit. He didn't change the locks, maybe it didn't occur to him to do that. I knew he always gave spare keys to anyone because at one point he was always loosing his. I went inside the apartment and for a second the playing stopped. A few more seconds later he appeared in the door frame. His look...shocked, and for a split second nervous.

"Alexis, what are you doing here?", he said sighing.
"I came to see you. I wanted to talk to you.", I replied feeling tears starting to gather in my eyes.
"But why? You should be in hospital...I mean in your condition..."
"I just wanted to talk Dan...please hear me out...", I begged.
"Well, since you're here might as well... I don't think I have much of a choice.", he answered rolling his eyes and inviting me to the living room.
"Thank you..."
"Tea? I was going to make some. You want?"
"Yes...please...", I said taking a seat on the sofa.

He was looking so handsome, yes just like he always was. His always done on point quiff was messy, and he looked like he didn't shave in a while, but he was still looking great. As he handed me over a cup of tea, he sat down, taking a cigarette from an open pack. He lit it up, put one leg on top of the other and looked at me patiently waiting for me to start.

"I know Glen told you about me...and he also told me you are happy and in a relationship. Who is she?"
"That's not important and I don't think it's any of your business, you lost your right to know anything about me when you cheated on me and left me."
"Dan, I came here to talk, not to fight."
"So talk, I'm listening."
"I wanted to say I'm sorry... And I wanted to know if you're happy and okay..."
"I am, no thanks to you..."
"Are you mad at me?", I asked.
"What do you think Alexis? Do you think I'm mad? I have a few questions for you. Was it easy for you? Just walking away like that? Just signing those divorce papers like what we had was a big crap to you? After everything I fucking gave up for you? How was it so easy for you? Acting like you gave a shit and just leaving....because it was so damn hard on me...", he retorted.
"It wasn't easy Dan! It wasn't! I couldn't look you in the eyes and tell you how much I loved you! Not after I did what I did! Do you think it was easy for me? It was so fucking hard! After all I did to you and all I put you through I wanted to kill myself! Do you think it was easy for me seeing you all the time, struggling? Seeing you all the time moody and depressed? Seeing you not being able to make love to me or touch me properly?"
"So that's what it all broke down to? For you? The sex? Wow Alexis...but here's another question. Why was it so easy for Liv to take care of me, why was it so damn easy for her to be next to me, every fucking single day, to wash me, to feed me? Why?"
"Liv? You gave her a pet name? Wow you are dating her now?"
"Yes! I'm fucking dating her now! And I will fucking go to any lengths to get rid of this marriage that we had, just to be with her! Because you know wanna know why? She never gave up on me, when you clearly have. Because, unlike you she deserves all the love and the patience and all the respect. You came here to talk...talk about what? How you broke my heart? How you fucked me over? About what?"
"I still care about you.."
"I don't care about you anymore Alexis, I really don't care about you. Now please stop making a fool of yourself, sort your shit together and just let me be happy. I don't even know why I'm doing this right now... I'll call Glen to come and pick you up. Because now I realise it's not his fault. It was never his fault, you're taking the piss on both of us. Sort your shit. Take care of your pregnancy, of yourself! Take care of him! Or leave him too! I think that would be the best! At least he won't fucking hurt too much! He doesn't need to be treated like a piece of crap!", he said taking the phone from the coffee table and punching furiously Glen's number.
"Nooooo! Nooooooooo! Please don't Dan! If you care a little about me still don't do that! He must not know I was here."

But Dan wasn't listening to my excuses or anything I said anymore. He just called Glen and told him to come and pick me up. As we were waiting in a deep silence, the living room door opened and Olivia's silhouette appeared in the frame. She looked at me with her big grey eyes and then at Dan, her expression not giving away any emotion.

How could he be attached to her? I asked myself. She didn't show up any emotion, she was cold like ice. Dan went to her and took her in his arms, whispering something in her ear. She nodded, but her eyes didn't look away from me. I was furious. How could she dare look at me after she stole my husband?

"I hope you're happy with sleeping with my husband. I'm still his wife for the next five years!", I spat the words out furiously.