It Doesn't Even Matter

Karma, rage, and fear

🛑Trigger warning: this chapter is very long and intense with slight mentions of self-harm in it. So please skip if this will affect your mental health and take care of yourself!
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I call Dylan. I can't tell if it's because I'm still buzzing from the entirety of the last seventy-two hours or if it's just that now I need to talk to someone and he might actually be able to understand. I need an adult who might understand.

"Max, it's two a.m. Are you ok?"

"Oh shit, I'm so sorry I wasn't thinking about the time. I'll call you back tomorrow."

"That's ok," I can hear him trying to wipe the sleep out of his eyes from here. "Are you ok? What's going on?"

"I'm ok... I think... yeah I'm ok."

"Well, I don't love the sound of that." I laugh beside myself a little at his comment, picturing the look on his face as he says it. "Where do you want to meet?"

"Um, I don't know what's open right now, a diner maybe? Let me look up what's near me."

"What's near you, you're not at home? Max are you sure you're alright, where are you?"

"I went on a walk, I couldn't sleep." I opt not to answer his question fully and leave out the part where I was at Jake's till a little after midnight then felt too restless to go home and try sleeping. "Ok there's a place nearby, I'll send you the address."

"Ok. I've got it, I'll come now."

Twenty minutes later the diner door finally opens with a jingle and I wave him over to me. "How was the drive?" He looks unamused by this and I'm not sure why until I notice him looking down at my hands. Both of them are shaking and the skin is raw from where I've been picking at it while waiting for him to get here. "I'm fine honestly."

"Max." He says my name in a way that makes me want to just start talking and stop playing games.

"Ok so here's the deal then, we haven't talked about my dealer before and I want to talk about him."

"Wow I, ok alright then."

"You seem surprised."

"I am, this is a subject you usually actively avoid. It's something you've never brought up before and I figured you probably wouldn't."

"I know." I go quiet and he lets me sit there in it for a moment as the waiters brings over coffee and menus.

"Is there something specific you wanted to talk about?"

"Um... maybe could I talk around things with you instead?"

"Ok go for it."

"Let's say your friend ended up working for your dealer," he nods. "But like you're just kids and you don't think, no you know he didn't want to be. Like in the back of your mind you know that he just got stuck." I'm not sure how to continue. "Does that make sense?"

"Sure."

"You wouldn't blame him would you? I mean if he was barely thirteen and someone you both really trusted- you just, you wouldn't blame him would you?"

"Do you blame him?"

"What! Of course not! Why would you ask me that?!"

"Why are you asking me that? Is this... is this about Oliver?"

"No! I didn't say that, we're not talking about him." I automatically find myself peeking around the place like it might be bugged.

"Ok. You mean hypothetically then." I nod at him. "So hypothetically why are you asking me if you should forgive your friend? Is that something you are hypothetically struggling with, forgiving him?"