It Doesn't Even Matter

Embraced

I haven't been to the beach in years and it's weird to go mid-February but also brilliant. I love the way everything looks like it is in the process of changing. Rolled over into new hues of color and light combining into another stage. Or maybe I'm just reflecting images of myself onto the waves, either way I love being here now.

"Max come help with our sand castle we need the extra hands!" I look over smiling at Brit, as Oliver, Jake, Ty, Ryan, and her build a hideous pile of sand.

"I'll be right over."

"Do you think they know how bad it looks? I don't want to ruin their fun but I'm worried Ryan will feel bad when he steps back and sees it's just a lopsided hill of sand?" Devin comments from next to me looking genuinely concerned for his boyfriend's feelings.

"I think they're just having fun... it does look like shit though," I reply Sofie and Leah both laughing. Devin's frown deepens. "Seriously I think if we go help it will turn out alright." He nods at me standing up to join them and I stay where I am for a moment longer.

Everything is normal today in a way I think things always should be and aren't. Oliver's grinning at something said like he means it. A real contrast from last week. It's not like the one he's been wearing, a shadow of himself projected to hide things. This one feels real. Brit looks like she's glowing in this light, her hair brushed behind her ears making a face at one of the guys.

My eyes shift to the waves again. I like that time seems to stand still as they move. If I could hold onto this moment forever I think I would. It's an in-between moment. Not particularly memorable or monumental. Just a single ordinary moment that matters only to those in it. We'll forget it at some point like so many others but this one holds in it the people and things that turn ordinary into more. You move through moments like these without taking them in. It seems obvious, so basic and simplistic. Only it's not. It's seventeen at its finest. Nothing to do and no point to the day. Just stupid basic forgettable joy I wish I could remember to take in a little longer.

"Hey," I look up at Brit suddenly realizing she is standing over me covered in sand.

"Hey, have a seat, join me."

"We need your expertise with the moat."

"In a minute. Come watch the waves with me." I reach up for her hand and she lets me pull her down next to me.

"What are you thinking so hard about?"

"Just this. Us, the beach, the sun."

"Oh I see you're being sentimental." She nods at me smiling. "Hot."

"What?" I laugh blushing at her comment. "Did you just say hot?"

"Yes, guys with emotion are very attractive you know."

"Oh really I didn't know that."

"Yep. Very attractive." She leans her head down on my chest.

"Hold on a second then I'll see if I can get myself to cry and then we can see how much more attractive that makes me."

"Oh so you're just trying to get me all worked up now aren't you?" She flutters her eyelashes and I turn a much darker shade of red causing her to laugh some more. "Come on, come help me with our moat."

"Ok, I'll help." I stand up starting to follow her over to them. "Although fair warning because I'm not sure what expertise you seem to think I have, I truly have no idea what I'm doing."

"Who cares, it's just for fun and anyway Oliver says you're great with a shovel so don't sell yourself short." I tense up and grimace, quickly trying to hide it by keeping moving with my head down.

"He did did he?"

"Yep. Isn't that right Oliver," she says stopping in front of the mess and holding a plastic shovel out to me.

"Huh? Is what right?"

"You said Max is good with a shovel right?" I watch Oliver freeze clearly starting to get anxious at the implication and know right away that he didn't say that.

"Um, yes. That's what I said, that-"

"Wow you're a bad liar remind me never to have him back me up on anything serious." Brit nods at the group who all snicker.

"To be fair, why would he have said that Max was good with a shovel?" Ty asks what I think is a fair question from his spot on the sand.

"That's not the point, the point is that he left me without any backup."

"I can't back you up against Max, ask me to lie to anyone else for you and I promise I'll do better. I just won't lie to Max."

"Well, that's good to know."

"Awww do you love me Oliver, guys I think Oliver just said he loves me." I boast to the group and watch him start to look like he's sunburnt.

"Shut up and dig your moat for your girlfriend."

"It's ok I love you too." I grin wider when he kicks sand at me as I'm squatting down. "Even if you get sand in my eyes." His foot stops its movement.

"Why did no one bring a bucket? If I knew you guys wanted to make a sandcastle I would have brought a bucket." Devin grumbles hands full of sand.

"It's a spur-of-the-moment thing, you just have to go with it." Ryan shrugs.

"I don't think I'm a very spur-of-the-moment type of person."

"ADHD dating anxiety disorder, lots of fun." Ryan nods at us kissing his boyfriend's forehead.

"I'm plenty fun, who wants to hear something embarrassing about Ryan?" I put my hand up as a joke and then laugh when I notice everyone else has their hand up too.

"I don't like this game. And my pile is falling over." Ryan pouts.

"I'm sorry I was just kidding, let me help make it better." Devin whispers something in Ryan's ear that has him grinning.

"Gross." Ty grimaces pushing his brother away from him.

Yeah this, this was perfect. "What has you so smiley smiles?" Oliver bends down next to me speaking much lower.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I'm having fun." He admits shrugging.

"Good, me too."

"Good." We hold eye contact for a second longer than necessary and I know it's because we both see something in the other's eyes. We are both thinking of him. Happy memories of the last time we were at the beach together. Lucas insisting then that we build a sand castle. Oliver and I following behind him as he collected shells commenting on whether they were right or not. That one's too small, that one's not the right color. But he always agreed with whatever shell Oliver or I picked up. They were perfect even with bumps or cracks because he said that he liked that they came from us. "It needs shells." It comes out barely above a whisper still I know he's heard me because his eyes get soft and he has to clear his throat before replying.

"Yeah, it does. Max and I are going to go look for shells for the castle." He announces to the group standing up.

"Ok, just make sure they have the right," Brit pauses moving her hands around like she's envisioning something in them. "character."

"Don't worry you can trust us we actually are experts at this part. Lucas always ended up putting us on shell duty." She smiles and the group gets quiet for a second.

"Lucas?" Ryan asks hesitantly.

"Yeah um," Oliver looks over at me like he's asking permission.

"Lucas was our other best friend, we were a trio. He was also my boyfriend... a drunk driver hit him." I finish my sentence by looking down at the sand and still feel like there is a collective wince. But then there's arms. Ryan's, then Ty's, then Sofie's, Leah's, Jake's, and even Devin's. And when I'm finally released I still feel held onto because I've just been embraced by a group of people I can no longer hold any doubts about being my friends. Life sneaks up on you sometimes and moments that are meant to be forgotten become the ones that mean the most.