It Doesn't Even Matter

Jake

Sunday is hard because after Brit leaves Saturday night all I can think about is him. When she was here I had the support but Sunday I told her to go to her soccer game and I'd be fine. Then I just try to be fine. I find the letter under my bed that he wrote me and just hold it. I don't even open it, I just sort of lay with it and the idea that I'm touching something he made for me. Then the only reason I get out of bed on Monday is to see her and Oliver. To know that they are both ok.

But by lunch I'm done with everything. It's too loud in here today. Too small, much smaller than normal and my head hurts, a side effect of no sleep and raising one of my new medications with my physiatrist yesterday probably. "Are you ok, do you want me to drive you home?" Brit asks me, bumping her shoulder gently into mine. I'm different today. So much is different from yesterday even the color of the fake plastic chair I sit in every day seems different. Not just bad different though, part of it is relief. Relief from not carrying things alone, from telling Brit. I think it's just a lot of different and that's putting pressure on my brain. To have to be the same when you have changed so drastically in a place that hasn't changed at all.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just a little tired, thanks for offering though." I reply briefly leaning in to kiss her. She seems to accept this answer and goes back to the conversation at hand. Oliver looks a little out of it today too, probably not having slept much the rest of the weekend as well. "Are you ok?" I beat him to the question his mouth opening just a second after mine.

"All good, long stupid weekend is all, you know that already though." I can tell he still doesn't want to be here or maybe anywhere anymore. I thought that might change after we got here. Like seeing the others and continuing things like we hadn't just pressed down on our old wound would help us both forget it's there a little. I convinced him he had to come today. I wasn't taking no for an answer. Partially because I didn't want to be alone and partially because I had to see him and know he was doing alright. That feels sort of silly now, I'm not alone anymore. I have Brit and Oliver probably should have called out sick to rest. "How about you?" He raises one eyebrow at me slightly like he's unconvinced by the answer I gave Brit.

"You know, I'm actually ok I think. Different, a little tired but ok. Were you up again all night or did you rest at all?"

"Hmm." I watch him lean down resting his head flat in his hands on the table.

"That's a definite no then, you didn't sleep at all. Anything I can do?" He sits up now thinking and shakes his head at me going to lay it down on his hands again.

"Not unless you can convince my doctor to prescribe me sleep meds." He's been doing this a little more lately. Just sort of saying things with the others here. I can't decide if he thinks he's just talking to me or if this is his way of trying to let them in without actually having to confront things with a conversation directly. Like maybe it feels easier for him just to kind of say things and know they heard it. Still, the others are clearly listening in now trying to be casual about it. Like they were always a part of the conversation and it makes me feel sort of weird.

"What does your doctor say about everything then, nothing new?" I, unlike Oliver am not going to say anything he hasn't already made abundantly clear to them himself.

"Maybe I should drink more tea, god I hate tea." Ty snorts next to us.

"Maybe you should try smoking weed that always ends up making me tired." He throws in himself to Oliver.

"That's great advice Ty thank you for the helpful input." I sarcastically say flipping him off and turn back to Oliver. "Maybe someone should drive us back to your place so you can get some rest?"

"Can't, I'm not allowed to miss school without a doctor's note cause of my probation." I make a face at him to try and indicate he might want to turn this into a joke with the others engaged and he doesn't read it right. "What? You thought that you were the only thing that convinced me to come in today?"