Red Lilac

Prologue

"She locked herself away
Didn't give anyone a key
She didn't even say good bye
And was swallowed by the sea."

-- A.D.R.

***

My life is a cycle. I wake up, take a bath, go to work, go home, sleep and wake up again.

I do have friends, my officemates and college friends. We go out once or twice a month and that's the only time my cycle of life is ruined. This is my life's routine for the past five years..

I am not a nun or an old maid or old fashioned lady, I just changed my lifestyle. I once lived a life full of everything, color, fun, music, outdoor; name it, I surely did it- until an event made me what to forget everything. It made me want to change my life and start again. New me. Matured woman. Stronger. Better.

I am pretty contented about my life cycle until a friend made me realized that I'm not getting any younger and I might lose the chance to bear a child and have a family.

Surely I want to have kids of my own. Looks like I lost track of time.

So now that I am turning 26, I am really trying to change that cycle. I try to go out whenever I can. I have tried to go in some date before, but those failed.

I had two boyfriends in the past, when I was in college. But we only last for a couple of months and split. It just didn't work. No sparks, no electricity, nothing. Now thinking about him made me realize if I even loved the man. As a friend, yes I do, but no more than that.

The second one is when I was twenty one, fresh graduate and trying to establish my career. It's been a long time since I gave my heart and open myself to vulnerability.

We are too young that time; we are both trying to make an impact. We are both struggling and hungry for success.

We almost got engage-- like the ring was the only missing part. But he left me hanging, the next thing I knew he's on the other side of continent. And that's the way it ended. No goodbyes, no notes. Nothing.

I have to admit, I am afraid. I am afraid to feel that pain again. Afraid to be rejected and start all over again.. I must admit, I haven't moved on. Fuck no! I can't move on..