Just Let Me Love You

Twenty Seven - Maybe

Beige Crimona Samaniego

Nakatitig ako sa bulletin board ng Academic Office. Baka nagkamali lang ako ng basa.

Sinampal-sampal ko na ang sarili ko baka nagahahallucinate lang ako.

Pero totoo ang nakikita ko ngayon.

Nakapost ang deliberated grades ng top 10 sa graduating batch. Nakapirma na ang Chancellor for Academic Services and Affairs pati na din ang President ng school. Official na nga ang results.

Katabi ng number na 1 ang pangalan ko.

1 Samaniego, Beige Crimona

At nasa baba nun, ang pangalan ni Ice.

2 Romano, Christian Harrison

Hindi ko alam kung ano mararamdaman ko. Ito yung pinakahihintay kong mangyari. Ito yung pinaghirapan kong makuha after those long years. I should celebrating my ass off because finally, I am ranked 1. Natalo ko si Ice. Ito yung gusto ko diba? Ito yung hinihingi ko noon pa. Para saan? Para mapatunayan ko ang sarili ko sa kanya. Para tigilan niya na ko. Dapat masaya ako. Pero bakit hindi ko magawang sumaya?

Dumiretso ako sa balcony ng floor ng classroom namin. Kailangan kong hangin. Kailangan kong iklaro ang iniisip ko. Kailangan kong ituwid ang nararamdaman ko.

Pumadyak padyak ako nang mag-isa nalang ako. Sinabunot-sabunot ko yung sarili ko. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. "Umayos ka nga Crim!" I screamed.

"Ginusto mo yan! Tapos ngayon, umaarte-arte ka ng ganyan!" I screamed. I know what I'm doing is against our rules, bawal sumigaw or magcause ng unnecessary noises while in the school premises. Pero hindi ko kayang isarili lang to.

Napasapo ako sa noo ko at ipinatong ang mga siko sa railings ng balcony.

"F*cking wake up Crimona!" Napabulong ako sa sarili ko.

I told myself that I will turn down Ice once I am able to defeat him. Pinangako ko yun sa sarili ko. Pero pinangako ko rin sa kanya na walang magbabago sa kung ano man ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya ngayon matapos namin malaman ang rankings.

Matagal kong tinaga sa utak ko na kailangan kong talunin si Ice, and that if the time comes, I will have enough pride and right to shove him off my life. At lahat ng yun, nagbago sa loob lang ng iilang buwan? Dahil lang sa lintik na feelings na yan?

**
Christian Harrison Romano

"Ice, out na results," bati sakin ng isang estudyante. Hindi ko siya kilala. Pero napansin ko yung sinabi niya kaya tinanguan ko lang siya.

Naglalakad na ako papuntng classroom nang nakasalubong ko siya. Alam ko namang release na ang results. Hindi din ako excited. Kinakabahan ako, sa totoo lang. Nakasalalay sa results, sa tingin ko, ang magiging pakikitungo ni Crim sakin.

Wala akong pakealam sa ranking ko, wala naman sakin kung rank 1 ako o hindi eh.

Pero yung kay Crim, hindi ko yata kayang bumalik sa dati yung pakikitungo niya sakin. I won't afford na mawala lahat ng ipinundar ko para sa kanya these past few days, lalo na ang nabubuo niyang pagtingin sakin.

Alam kong may nararamdaman na din siya sakin. Masyado lang talaga siyang dense para maisip yun.

Hindi ako tanga para hindi maramdaman yun. Pero hindi ko rin pinapaasa ang sarili ko. Dahil hindi ko pinaniniwalaan ang isang bagay na hangga't hindi ako sigurado tungkol dun.

Sigurado akong gusto din ako ni Crim. Ramdam ko. Hindi sa pagmamayabang, pero totong ramdam ko.

Papunta na ako sa classroom nang mapansin kong may tao sa balcony. Nakatungkod yung mga siko niya sa railings. Senior to, dahil naka-casual attire siya.

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad at tinignan kung sino yung taong yun. And I realized it was Crim.

Nakasarado yung glass door pati na yung mga bintana.

Tumayo siya ng ayos saka sumigaw sa kawalan.

Her voice was mumbled dahil sa humaharang samin na wall, so I can't make out the words she's screaming, but she's obviously pissed.

Bakit siya naiinis ngayon? Shouldn't she be happy? Na finally, natalo niy na ko? Ito yung gusto niya diba? Na makita akong mas mababa kesa sa kanya? Pero bakit siya nagkakaganito? Ginugulo niya ang pag-iisip ko.

**
Her

I heard the door open and when I looked back, I saw Ice walking towards me with a blank expression on his face. He stopped halfway to me. He just stood there with his hands in his pocket, looking at me.

"Ice," I called him.

He didn't budge nor responded. He just kept on looking at me.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell him. I don't know how to act in front of him. I don't know what to feel towards him.

I felt the wind touch our skin and blew my hair. We were standing right in front of each other, not knowing what to do nor say, just reading each other by the words our eyes speaks. I was anxious and worried, while he was blank and empty.

Napatungo ako. Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko na alam. Masyado akong naguguluhan. Hindi ko na malaman kung ano ang dapat n gawin ko.

Suddenly he broke the long silence.

"Congratulations," he said in a blank tone.

I think I just felt my chest get heavier. Why does that sound so heart breaking? Now that it's coming from him? Why does he make things so difficult for me?

I raised my head to look at him and saw that he was still wearing that blank expression with his eyes still on me.

"This is what you wanted." He continued. "I hope you're contented now."

Parang dinurog yung puso ko. Why does it hurt me seeing him hurt? Noon, it was my personal pleasure seeing him in pain, struggle, or hurt. Pero bakit ngayon, I could cry seeing him in pain, much because I am the cause of it?

With that, he turned to leave. I couldn't tell him to stay and talk to me because even my voice cannot recognize the hurt I am feeling to face him once more. I would rather face the consequences of feeling this way than to talk to him and see him hurt because of me.

I couldn't take all the different emotions I am feeling right now so I turned my back against him too and let the tears flow out of my eyes, down to my cheeks, down to the dry floor of this lonely balcony. It's getting along with me, joining me in my confusion and melancholy.

**
His

Stupid. Dumb. Pathetic. Jerk. Asshole. Douche. Bastard. Cold. Harsh.

I could sum myself up with these words. I am those because I said those words to Crim.

I walked out of the balcony and stopped at the door step to stop myself from going back outside and take back all the words I said. Somehow, I do believe I should have said that. She needs to know that I'm thinking she wanted to be rank 1 for the purpose of beating me and that it upsets me after hearing a promise from her.

The truth is, I am upset. That is why I was able to say that to her.

I believe she keeps her word, I believe she won't let me down, I trust her she won't try to hurt me by not doing what she promised, but I'm still frightened of the possibilities.

This is all she ever wanted. Buong buhay niya ito yung inaasam niya. Anong laban ko dun? I'm just her suitor. Ni wala pa nga ako sa kalingkinan ng pagiging kanya, what makes me think na kaya niyang kalimutan yung matagal niya nang gusto para lang irespeto ang pangako niya sakin?

If I know, she'd be the happiest.

Her being the happiest is the best thing for me, but knowing that it's because she believes she may be able to throw me out her life already, also pains me the most.

I don't know. Maybe, it has to come to an end. Maybe she was just carried away by the recent events. Maybe I'm still not enough. Maybe we're just not gonna happen, ever.