Just Let Me Love You

Twenty Eight - Bad Dream

Beige Criminal Samaniego

It felt awkward seeing him. It has been days since the release of the results and our last conversation. Hindi pa rin kami nag-uusap mula noon. Bakit? Hindi ko din alam. Hindi niya ako nilalapitan. Hindi ko rin naman maatim na kausapin siya dahil hindi ako sigurado kung galit ba siya sakin o hindi.

Hindi ko man sabihin pero parang bumalik sa dating-dati kaming dalawa. Actually a lot worse than that dahil hindi talaga kami nagpapansinan. Mas tahimik din siya kesa sa nakaraan. Minsan naabutan ko siyang nakatitig lang sakin still with his blank expression.

Ayokong ganun siya dahil hindi ko malaman ang iniisip niya. Nasanay na akong sinasabi niya kung ano ang nasa utak niya. Nakakapanibago na mangangapa nanaman ako.

Ugh. This is why I don't want to entertain him and my feelings for him. It complicates everything! Kung naging firm lang ako sa desisyon ko mula noon at hindi hinayaang pumasok so Ice sa buhay ko, hindi ako nagkakaganito ngayon at ikokonsidera pa ang nararamdaman niya sa pagtaboy sa kanya sa buhay ko.

Pero marami nang nagbago.

Sometimes I just want to approach him and talk to him, para malaman ko kung ano ang iniisip niya but at the same time kinakain ako ng pride ko. Ginusto ko to so I should face it's consequences.

Ice grew colder than usual. He treats other people as if all are invisible. And I hate that it's all because of me.

He cared less and was more nonchalant than before. Before, I am still able to see him laugh or even just smirk and grin, but now, it's as if he lost his focus for cotrol on his face and just shows a straight face.

Sa mga araw na hindi kami nag-uusap, I felt like a big chunk of my heart has been taken away. He's been occupying that piece of mine for who knows when, and now seeing him distant to me is just too painful.

The days went on ng ganun padin. Nagpapractice kami ngayon ng graduation rites. Naka-line na kami sa may entrance ng auditorium for the graduation March. Hindi ko makita si Ice. He should be right behind me for the line-up kasko hindi ko talaga siya makita. Saan nanaman ba pumunta yun?

Bigla nang nagplay ang March. Nasa taas ng entrance ang sound booth and I am right below it. Sa gilid ng doors and malalaking speakers na sineset up nila. I was too busy looking for Ice, the next thing I knew I was in his arms.

He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me towards him. I heard a loud bang on the floor behind me. Nang tignan ko si Ice, he was staring deeply at me. Maang padin ako sa bilis ng mga pangyayari. Muntik na along mabagsakan ng malaking speaker, if not for Ice.

"Ice.." Was all I could say.

I heard people rush towards me asking my condition. I also heard the maintenance asking for pardon. I didn't care to any of what they have to say. I'm too engrossed of the feeling of his touch.

It's been so long. I haven't gotten used to it even before, and having not felt it for so long just makes me want to not let go.

He leaned closer to me and whispered. "Be careful." Nang iangat niya ang ulo niya, his expression did not change. Blanko padin.

He slowly released me from his grip pero hinigpitan ko lang hawak ko sa dibdib niya, na medyo nakapagpalukot sa damit niya. I gasped inwardly as he fully separated himself from me. Binitiwan niya ako ng ganun ganun lang. He ignored my persistence to cling unto him. He just, let go.

Why do I feel so much hurt? Eto yung ginusto ko mula noon pa, na tigilan na ako ni Ice. Why has everything shifted?

Ayoko ng ganito. Ayokong tumuloy pa ng ganito.

**
I went home early today dahil masyado silang nagpanic sa nangyari sakin. I told them I'm perfectly fine pero they won't listen so they brought me home.

Si kuya lang ang naabutan ko sa bahay. Naglilinis siya ng kotse niya nang tanungin ko kung nasan so Yvan.

Yvan is out for his class. Gabi pa daw siya makakauwi.

"Why? Is everything alright?" He asked with a worried look.

I nodded. "Magpapahinga lang ako," I said as I made my way inside the house.

"Crim," hinabol ako ni kuya kaya nilingon ko siya.

He smiled first. "If it's anything, pwede mo sabihin sakin yan." He patted my head.

Suddenly, I felt my eyes heat up. Hindi ako dapat umiiyak. What's happening to !e right now is not enough reason for me to cry. I am not like this. I grew up to be strong and tough. Not like this..

Naramdaman ko nalang na nakayakap so kuya sakin. "I knew there's a problem. Wala ka sa sarili eh."

I was sobbing on his chest as he hugged me and patted me on my head. He gave some time to redeem myself and then faced me. "I'll give you time to rest. And when you're ready, just talk to me. O kahit si Yvan. We'll listen." He smiled and kissed me on my forehead. "Go on."

I wiped my tears and nodded at him. "T-thanks," I said with my voice still throbbing from my whimpers.

I went straight to my room and laid down.

This is the first time I cried over something stupid. And because of Ice. Why am I affected all of a sudden? I like him, but is that enough to make act this way? To make me feel hurt for how he's been treating me lately?

No. Hindi yun.

I hate to think na baka mas lumalim na yung nararamdaman ko kay Ice kaya ako nagkakaganito. Pero sa sitwasyon namin na halos humiwalay siya sa sarili niya para umiwas sakin, ayoko nalang na tuluyang mahulog sa kanya. If I am already falling for him, I wouldn't want it to be in this kind of situation, because it stings.

Maybe if from the beginning I just totally ignored him, maybe things would be different. And maybe if from the beginning I just let him in me, things would be utterly better.

But I've chosen to ignore him then on the latter, entertain. Have I just made him hope into nothing? Pero hindi lang naman siya ang umasa. Umasa rin ako na baka may patunguhan nga kami kahit disindido along talunin siya. I gave my feelings a shot and this is what I get. Wala.

And I made things clear to him that I can't promise him anything in return. And I just broke it by promising him that nothing will change after the rankings has been announced. I just made out a fool of what I said. I'm stupid. I was driven by emotions.

Dammit. Umiiyak nanaman ako. Ang babaw ko, nakakainis.

Umikot ako at dumapa sa kama at isinapo ang mukha ko sa unan. Kailangan kon itulog to. Baka pag-gising ko, making panaginip lang pala ang lahat.