Fascinated by Him

Chapter Twelve - Burning

I was in the kitchen after school, trying to find myself something I could eat but I was having a hard time finding something. I was thinking too much about my mother's words. There were times when I hated my parents. Especially, my mother.

          It made my heart hurt to think about it. You weren't meant to hate your parents. They were meant to be the ones you were supposed to love, and they were meant to love you back. No matter what, they were supposed to be there for you, protect you - care for you.

          I felt myself getting angry again. Screw them, I didn't need them, and I was the one who hauled me out of the state I was in over a year ago, with the help of my friends. I wasn't going to go back there because my mother had some obsession with her weight, and was projecting her problems onto me.

          I grab myself whatever I feel like eating at that moment. I wasn't going to let her control me with her petty words and ignorance.

          My whole day is spent making sure I could avoid my brother. I managed it so far. I was so angry with him last night for bringing it all up. But I couldn't blame him for it, he was my brother and he gets worried. I was so blinded by the anger that I didn't take in the fact he was scared I would do what I did again. I didn't think about it. He was lashing out at me yesterday because he was scared. It had nothing to do with him being mad at me. It was more directed at our mother.

          Moaning out loud at the taste of my food, having not eaten the whole day and since last night. I love food too much to be worrying about stupid things. I couldn't believe I let myself go that long without eating. Not happening again.

           "That's why you don't let our idiot mother get to you."

           My brother makes his way over, a small smile on his lips. Taking a seat at the table beside me.

           He was right. Plus, it wasn't like I starved myself or anything. I didn't have an eating problem. I just got so depressed that I didn't want to eat, my insecurities would set in, making me not want to do anything.

           "Yeah, you're right, she is stupid. Can't believe I let her get to me again," I give him a sad smile.

           He pulls me into his side, tucking me in protectively. I let myself snuggle into him, loving the feel of his comforting hug.

           "That's alright. I'll be the one who's always here, to remind you not to listen to any shit they say. Were in this together remember?"

           "Yeah, I do. I'm sorry I was so angry with you. I just didn't want to hear about... um... yeah." I mumble.

           Ben pulls away from me and I look into his blue eyes, so similar to my own.

           "There's nothing to be ashamed of, sis. It happens to people all the time. Depression is something that everyone feels. Some people just get in deeper than others and struggle to come back to the surface. What you did was because of that. It doesn't define who you are as a person. You shouldn't be ashamed. Everyone struggles, and sometimes things just become too much to handle. You looked for a way out in the only way you felt was possible then, but, here you are now. You worked so hard to put all that behind you. Don't let anyone take that away from you, ever."

           I start to tear up at his words, struggling to keep them at bay. He was right. I worked so hard to get myself to feeling alright about myself, pushing the dark thoughts away. I tried the pills and those just left me foggy, not me. The only thing that worked was my brother and my friend's support, and the will to bring myself out of the state I was in.