Starstruck II: Saruman's Curse

Ramsay on a Rampage (Hell's Kitchen AU)

"Fold in the egg whites. What the hell does that even mean?!" Dean whispered to Sam, not wanting Ramsay to hear him.

"Go from underneath and bend one ingredient over the other."

Dean smirked at his brother. "Oh Sammy, I like it when you talk dirty."

"Damn it, Dean! We gotta get this done or that crazy bastard is gonna start throwing stuff again. I'll never get the caramel out of my hair from that last bowl he flung."

"I'll bet we can find someone to suck that out for you."

Gordon Ramsay heard whispering from across the room and when he swung his head in Sam and Dean's direction there was an actual atmospheric pressure change in the room.

"One minute to go in this challenge and I don't see a plate from you two jack-offs yet. But you sweethearts have time to whisper to each other?!"

Cas and Bobby, paired for the two-course challenge, had their bourbon pecan chicken with sweet potato mash compote already plated and presented. They were firing up the blowtorch to caramelize the sugar over their custard flan. They could see Dean getting ready to retort, and Gordon getting redder from across the room so they just looked over at the Winchester brothers and shook their heads, "no". Jo and Ellen noticed it too and tried to distract Ramsay.

"Chef? Can you..."

"Piss off, girls. No way a woman is winning this challenge anyway. Don't you have a tampon to change or something?"

Dean turned to Sam again. "Seriously, Sam, I think this guy may be a demon."

"Maybe. Or just a dick. Maybe both, but definitely a dick."

Ruby tore open her chefs jacket and threw it right over the stove, where it started smoking immediately.

"Hey Ramsay, go fuck yourself sideways. We're out of here." She grabbed Andy and yanked him out of his jacket also, and threw it on the flames that had now erupted from the stove.

"Yea. What she said." Andy followed Ruby out the kitchen door. When they got outside Andy walked up to a car by the curb and told the driver to get out, which he did. He and Ruby got in. "Take off your clothes, Ruby."

Ruby gave Andy a look so searing it could melt glass. "That shit doesn't work on me, you dumb ass. But, uh, why didn't you use that power on Ramsay to win our challenge? Moron."

Back inside Hell's Kitchen Steve and Kirk were hiding in the cooler, hoping it would just all go away.

"What are we gonna do, Jimmy? I don't have a clue what to do in a kitchen, except how to open a fridge door."

"Well, Cherry Pie, where I come from I just tell the wall what I want to eat and it gives it to me."

Steve paced the cooler with his head down. "It's my fault. You're from the future, but I'm from now. I should know more. I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I think we're gonna lose this challenge."

"Think? Yea, well, I'm not concerned about losing, I'm concerned about that sonofabitch beating our ass and I'm James T. Fuckin' Captain Kirk and this motherfucker scares ME. Protecting myself is one thing, but I gotta keep my Cherry Turnover safe and intact too." He punctuated with wink and a peck to the tip of Steve's nose.

Kevin and Harry worked in silence like a well-oiled machine the entire time. When Ramsay's buzzer went off they stood proudly next to their lamb chops with balsamic reduction and crab and asiago stuffed mushrooms. Ramsay nearly pissed himself when he took a mouthful.

"For the rest of you monkeys, this is how it's done. These two have produced a work of art and the rest of you look like you've been flinging your own shit at the tourists on the other side of the glass. And what happened to the surfer and his overdramatic control freak partner? Off having a circle jerk somewhere?

Sam leaned into Dean. "Where did Steve and Kirk go? I don't feel like accidentally walking in on them. Again."

"Who cares? I just wanna get out of here and get a beer. Maybe sweet-talk that prick Ramsay until he's charmed into making us some fancy dinner. I'm guessing he can be convinced. I think he's a closet anyway. Too much overcompensation. What d'ya think?"

"I think I'm not that hungry."

"Come to think of it me neither. I wanna drink my dinner and fall into bed. Speaking of which, do we need to find Steve and Kirk before be blow this joint?"

"Why? Where do we need to be that includes them?"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHGH!" Ramsay's gutteral noise was accompanied by a crash of splintering ceramic and a rainstorm of greasy cream sauce. He turned his wrath directly on Sam and Dean.

"What the fuck is wrong with you two? Do you share a brain and a nutsack? This chicken is pinker than your assholes! Do you know what you do with undercooked chicken?!! You KILL someone with it! That's what." He walked over the mess, crunching it under his shoes and kicking it at all the contestants.

"I ought to make you sweep it up and eat it yourselves, glass and all."

"Oh, this motherfuc..."

Sam pulled Dean back. "Don't. It's not worth it."

Just then the cooler door swung open, creating a vortex of swirling cold air in the kitchen.

"What the hell is going on out here..."

Kirk barely got the words out and they were mostly lost on the wind as the vortex swept them away...

By: Mozy