Will you still love me even if I'm a man?

Chapter 39: The deep pain in his memory

Author: Angelina
Translator: 阿C/ KHFC

When Mai Ding is packing up his summer clothes and preparing to bring them to An Ziyan's house, he finds his diary in childhood by accident. Looking at its yellow cover, he can't remember when he gave up keeping diary. In those past days, he hoped to keep everything in his life like a girl so that it could become sweet memory later.

He opens the diary and sees his naïve handwriting. xx,xx,xxxx sunny

Several days ago, when I was watching TV, Xiao Xia ran to tell me that Mei had disappeared. I didn't care about that but thought she was just so naughty that maybe she ran to other relative's home. Mei was one year younger than me and lives upstairs. We grew up together when born. But I argued with her because of an incident. So we didn't speak to each other and waited for the other to apologize first. Today, Xiao Xia came to tell me palely that Mei had passed away. She was raped and killed under water. Her body was found just now. My brain became totally blank. I didn't know how to respond and couldn't believe that's true. Mei always smiled every day, who looked forward to new TV drama <The Legend of White Snake> in my home every summer holiday; turned around continuously in front of me when she wore a new colourful skirt; accompanied me for every 11 years.

After Xiao Xia left, I sat there blankly. Later, my mum told me that most people couldn't find Mei anywhere. One day, Mei's mother had a dream. In the dream, Mei called 'Mum, help me!' under water. Later, Mei was really found in the water, without any clothes but a big bag outside her body. There were stones in the bag so as to let the body drown into the water. How terrible it's to let such a small body lie there palely.

What should I say? How can I express my sorrow? I can't help controlling my tears. Others say young children know nothing, but why can I feel such real pain when I am just 12?

xx,xx,xxxx sunny

When I was going to enjoy meal and walked to the door, I heard the discussion of my parents. Actually a fisherman nearby knew where Mei went, but he dared not to speak out so as not to bring himself trouble. Therefore, in such a limited town, Mei died in it but they couldn't catch the killer. I walked in and my parents stopped talking. They didn't want to talk about Mei in front of me.

I began to hate those selfish people, those hypocrites and the police. How could the killer do that to an only 11-year-old girl? What's more disgusting is that nobody came up to speak for her. At that moment, I decided to become a policeman when I grow up, so that I can find out who killed Mei.

My tears fall down to the diary, which fades out the hateful words. Mei, how can you leave me behind? I still want to say sorry to you. Sorry, I shouldn't argue with you.

Sorry, Mei. But I can't get your forgiveness anymore. Mei's tomb stands there lonely, but the killer is still beyond the arm of the law.

I hate!

Those merciless ones, those who help the bad guy! You are the devil and should be killed!

When I was just 12, I began to know what's human nature and coldness. I escapde back to my protective shell and spoke little. Classmates began to isolate me. They called me 'crank' secretly. I didn't have friends and became self-abased. But I won't forget you forever, Mei.

How can the sun stay so bright in such sad days? I want to hide away. Mai Ding closes the diary hurriedly. He finally remembers why he gave up writing diary. Because his memory is full of sorrow and it can't play the happy role any longer.

But Mai Ding has forgotten the promise to Mei, because he can't become a police. He grows up gradually and finds that he is just so powerless. One can't always do what he wants. Many years have passed away and Mei's smile is fading out in his brain. Mai