It's Complicated

Chapter 5: Knots & Lies

"Oh my gosh! I'm done. I'm literally never going to be able to leave my house again. Oh my gosh, I can't deal with this!"

I didn't think my plan through. Yes, I lied to my sister & best friend, but I didn't even think to text my mom. She must be so worried & upset with me right now! How do I even begin to try & cover this all up? I feel sick to my stomach, I seriously feel worse than I've ever felt before. I can deal with certain people being mad at me, but not my mom.

I finally find enough courage to text my mom back:
Sorry mom, I felt sick & left the mall. I felt a little better & decided to have alone time at the library. Sorry I forgot to text, love you!

I felt gross & disgusted with myself. I've never lied like this before. It nauseates me knowing I'm hiding stuff from them. But I know they wouldn't understand. They just wouldn't.

Daniel leans into me kiss me, again.

"What happened? Why are you so glum again? I thought we got over that already?"

His tone changed. It was less caring & seemed more demeaning, but it could've just been because as soon as I was happy, I wasn't just as quickly.

"Well my mom text asking where I was, I told her I was at the library but I just feel bad lying to her. Can you just go drop me off at the library please? I really loved hanging out with you, I just think it's time I go home."

I could tell he was annoyed, he looked cute. I wanted to spend more time with him but I also didn't want my mom to worry anymore than she already has.

"Yeah sure, whatever I can drop you off. You better text me though Gracie!"

"I will, I promise."

The mood changed from playful to almost demanding, it was weird. But I really hadn't put much thought into it. I had a good day while it lasted. I got to spend time with Daniel & I got my first kiss, what more could a girl want?

Today seemed like such a dramatic tv episode. Kind of like an episode of One Tree Hill or Gossip Girl. It was kind of funny being that my life, until today, was beyond average & boring. The only excitement in my life was when my parents told us that they were trying for another kid. The thought of that gave me the creeps, no thanks I don't wanna think about that. But having another sister or brother wouldn't be too bad.

I can see the library from afar, I get butterflies. This time it's because I'm leaving Daniel. I wish I could spend all day with him, without having to lie. I wish things could be easier between us, but I know if my mom found out she would have a major shit-fit.

"Well we're here at the library. I really don't wanna drop you off if we're being honest. But our day has come to an end, but I've had a great day with you. You truly are amazing Julianna."

He grabs my thigh & kisses me. I melt. I wanna stay in this moment forever. It's all so new but it feels so right. I don't want this to end, I really don't.

I get off the truck, look back at him & wave. Seeing him drive away sucked. I walk to the steps of the library & sit down to think. I'm upset with myself. I feel so bad. I just really can find a reason to excuse my behavior, I made a bad choice to lie.

*bzz, bzz* My mom finally text back:
That's fine, I'll be there for you in 10 minutes. Next time you need to text me beforehand, this way I KNOW what's going on. See you in a bit. I love you too!

I let out a sigh of relief. I can't believe that actually worked. I can't believe I lied & got away with it. It still didn't make me feel any better. But like I said before, no one spares my feelings when they do things so why should I?

My day was actually pretty great, all thanks to Daniel. Being around him was amazing, I felt so free. There wasn't anything that could hold me back. Well other than the fact that my mom didn't know & I lied to everyone today.

I can see my mom down the road, part of me wishes it would've taken longer for her to get here & another part wishes I would've stayed longer with Danny. I let out a sigh. A sigh of relief, a sigh of distress. A sigh. Walking towards the car, my body feels like jello. This isn't real life happening, it feels so surreal.

"Feeling any better Banannie?"

Mom always seemed to know how to make me smile, even when I didn't want to. "Banannie" was a childhood nickname that she came up with. Why or how she came up with it is beyond me, but I always secretly loved it.

"Yes ma'am. I'm just kind of tired. I'm ready for a nap."

I really am ready for a nap though. My head hurts from that major panic attack, my body still feels like jello & my stomach is in knots from all the lies. Why was I suddenly changing who I was?

"That's fine, I have to run into Target for a few things, but you can stay in the car. I'll text you when I'm paying!"

I grab my phone & recline my seat back. I check my texts, none. Not one. No one text me. No one ever texts me. I'm kind of glad I have a moment to myself, I needed it. I began to think about today. I loved it but I also hated it. My mind is going a million miles an hour, it won't stop.

I decided to text Sydney. I didn't owe her an explanation about anything, but I wanted to say sorry for ditching her & Hayley. I really did feel bad.

I sent:
Hey Syd, sorry for bailing on you. I promise I'll make it up. After getting sick I just wanted alone time & I should've text or called to let you know. Love ya lots! See you soon!

I waited for a while but didn't get a response, typical. As close as we were, we always fought. We were more like siblings than best friends, that's just the way it's always been.

My phone rings, I assume it's Sydney, but it's not. I really hoped it was her, but it was Daniel. Although I love talking to him & being with him, I wanted it to be her. I needed to speak to my best friend & that was Syd.

Hey Gracie, what's up?

not much just sitting outside in a parking lot, waiting on my mom. you?

Oh well that's cool, I guess.

mm, i guess so.

Well I guess you're busy so I'll let you go.

what do you mean?

You seem like you don't wanna talk, it's cool.

i just don't feel good? plus, i thought it was syd texting me.

Ha, alright I'll catch you later. Bye.

Why was he being so weird with me? He knew I didn't feel good, he knew how bad I felt about the whole situation. As if I weren't already annoyed, he just made matters worse.

look don't get me wrong, i enjoy spending time with you & hanging out, but i have off days. there are time i feel good & times i don't, you have to understand that. if you can't, then we'd might as well end this friendship.

My stomach hurts worse, I hit send without thinking twice, now it's just a waiting game & staring at those 3 moving dots until he finishes his message back. The anticipation is killing me.

*bzz, bzz* he text back. I'm afraid to look.