It's Complicated

Chapter 26: Inside Mary's Mind

*STORY IS NOW IN MARY'S POV*

Seeing Katie & Jill walk through those doors is a sigh of relief. I can't focus on what's being said, it all sounds so muffled. I know a conversation is happening but my mind can't seem to focus on it. Kim hit me a bomb & I'm still in shock. My head drops down & I start to get lost in my thoughts.

I love Kim, don't get me wrong, she's my best friend, but she literally hit me with a ton of bricks. I feel hurt, almost betrayed really, I don't know why she didn't tell me sooner. I know her, I know her better than I know myself, or so I thought. Part of me wants to yell out & cry but the other part of me is just focusing on the fact that she felt she couldn't trust me. I look up & see Kim following Katie & Jill out of the room, I guess I should probably follow & continue with practice.

I walk out onto the floor & notice some of my girls doing vaults & struggling. I decide to go over & help spot those who need assisting. The entire walk over there I just keep replaying that talk. It's something I'll never be able to forget. Before I realize it, I'm standing on the edge of the vault runway closest to the pit & I'm supposed to be spotting Annie. As I assist her I fall into the pit as well, this isn't unusual it happens a lot. I kind of lay in the pit & feel myself slowly sinking. I know no one is paying attention because I'm pretty sure someone walked in with a surprise as I can hear "oohs" & "ahhs".

I've hit the bottom of the pit, literally. Being engulfed by the pit blocks reminds me of being constricted by a boa, not that I'd know but I'm just assuming. My eyes begin to shut when I hear muffled yelling from across the gym.

"Where's Mary!?"

"She last spotted me on vault!"

I can faintly hear feet pitter-patter across the floor. I know as they get closer they become more faint, usually they'd become louder but everything feels fuzzy & odd. My eyes are now closed & my breathing becomes shallow, I couldn't worm my way out of here even if I wanted to. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly & slow down my breathing as much as I can. I can feel blocks flying across the pit & I can hear cries & worry in voices.

Everything goes black.

I open my eyes & I'm laying on the trampoline with people huddled around me. Everything is muffled still, all I can see are people crying & hugging each other. I don't know what to say or what to do. I prop myself up & look around at the people near me; my girls, my friends. I know Kim has bigger issues to deal with than me, but I don't think she fully understands what I'm going through.

Luke, who coincidentally is my asshole jerk of an ex, helps me up off the tramp & walks me over to the viewing room. I sit down in a chair & sit Indian style while trying to catch my breath. He tries to ask me if I'm okay but I raise my hand & shoo him away. Kim, Katie & Jill make their way into the sitting area & they all look concerned. I look past them & notice my girls crying & hugging each other while Luke calms them down & gives an early dismissal. I can't bear to deal with anything else today.

"Are you alright?" Katie asks in a concerned motherly fashion. I nod my head. I'm afraid to speak & word vomit come out. They all sit around me & we sit in silence. It's nice, well until my thoughts catch up back to me.

Since finding out I'm pregnant things have just become a mess. I mean my family is great, my job is great, my girls are great but I'm not great. A dark cloud has followed me since that moment. Since the time I last decided to have sex with Luke. Internally, I cringe knowing he was with another woman while he was with me. Maybe that's why I can't get out of this funk, but I think it's something more.

I've become depressed lately, or so I think that's what it is. I've never had this happen to me, I've never been this sad with anything. Honestly, the last time I was this upset is when I found out that Shawn Johnson shattered her knee. Nothing ever really made me feel this way, until now. I can't describe it at all but I'm emotional & I've found myself questioning the value of my life. I mean, I don't want to kill myself or even hurt myself, but if it happened by fate I don't think I'd fight it.

I can't bring a child into this world while my best friend continues to cope with the death of her own. Not to mention Katie dealing with Caleb's death too. It'd be wrong, it wouldn't be but it'd feel wrong. Plus, Luke wants nothing to do with me (that's what I keep saying when really, I want nothing to do with him). I don't want to raise my child without a father. I don't want to bring a kid into the world & have the possibility of me feeling like this forever, I can't do it & I won't.

Kim picks her head up off my shoulder where it was resting & proceeds to ask "are you sure you're okay Mare?" I want to scream out no but when I open my mouth all that comes out are soft cries that I can't control. She squeezes me into a hug in which Katie & Jill join in on. Normally, I'd feel thrilled & overwhelmed but right now I don't feel anything, nothing at all.

I wipe my eyes because apparently tears came out too. I turn to Kim & open my mouth, this time without crying.

"I love you. Your kid would've been great. I care about you & the girls & everyone in here, but I can't do this right now. I'll be back whenever. Just please give me space."

I get out of my seat & hug her, the look on the moms faces is one that reads astonished. I quickly make my way to my office & grab my belongings & head out the door. I get into my car & start the engine, I sigh with relief. I drive, for a long time, it's nice. I just need to be alone, just me, myself & my thoughts for a while.