It's Complicated

Chapter 18: Self

The sun has set & I'm still outside. I don't want Kim to worry too much so I make my way back to the house. My heart is heavy, I wish Mare & I didn't have the fight we did. She's right though, I really don't let anyone try to help me. I know she wants to help, but I don't want to feel helpless anymore, I don't wanna be the victim.

I get inside the house & make my way upstairs, I get to my room & I text Kim:
I'm inside the house, gonna bathe & go to bed. Goodnight. Love ya. Thanks for everything.

This house is much more extravagant than ours, it's a surreal feeling. I make my way to the restroom & draw myself a bath. I can't help but look at my bare body in the mirror & begin to nitpick my flaws. "Not again Annie, don't do this again" I think to myself, but how could I not? I notice parts of my body are pudgier than other parts, it's upsetting. I get into the bath & begin to sob. My stomach is protruding & my thighs look massive, why me?

I tend to self-loathe, a lot of which came after my brother's passing. A lot changed when he left. Our seemingly perfect family began fighting & bickering. It became normal to wake up & hear my mom & dad yelling at each other. Mom blamed herself for losing Caleb, she always said "well if I would've just listened to him". It wasn't her fault, it wasn't anyone's fault, it just happened. It's all still so unfair. My dad on the other hand became reserved & kept to himself, which sucked because I was a total daddy's girl until a year after Caleb passed. Things slowly became different & everyone became depressed. I mean, we still made YouTube videos but there was so much people didn't see or know about. We weren't the happy family we used to be, we still aren't.

I get out of the bath & put pajamas on, Nike pros & one of Caleb's old shirts. It's comforting. I brush my hair & put in braids; my hairs gotten so long it's become a pain in the butt. I play music on my speaker & lay down in bed. I lay awake thinking about a million things, wondering about so much stuff.

"You okay sweetie?" It's Kim.
"Yeah. I think." I reply softly, I don't make eye contact with her. Partially because I'm afraid of breaking down.
"I figured you didn't want to be alone, so I'm gonna lay down on the bed with you. If that's alright."
"Yeah, that's fine."

Kim then crawls onto the bed & covers herself with the comforter. We face opposite directions. I know Kim means no harm by it, but the last time I was in bed with someone who wasn't a family member was Daniel & my heart begins to race. Why do I keep thinking of him? He was a shitty person, he didn't deserve me! I groan out loud.

"Everything okay?"
I don't respond, everything is not okay. I'm tired of dealing with this situation. I just want everyone to forget it happened. I want the questions to stop. I want to be able to go a day without someone asking if I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'll never be okay, but I'll learn to cope with it.
"Kind of. My stomach hurts a bit."
"Do you want anything to help it?"
"Nah, I should be fine thanks."

The room goes silent & all that you can hear is the faint music & Kim breathing as she sleeps. I'm glad she came up to the room, I don't think I could've slept alone in the big bed inside this giant house. It was lonely in there, I missed home. I missed my mom, dad & annoying sister already. I wish life could go back to the way things were 5 years ago before our lives got flipped upside down.

I try to fall asleep but I can't. I count sheep, I recite monologues I know by heart, I even sang out loud, nothing helped. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly & try to force myself, but it doesn't work. I roll over, slam my face into the pillow & let out a shriek. I begin talking to myself, seeing as I'm the only one awake it's probably the most appropriate time to do so.

"You're okay Annie. You're going to be okay. Your life at home is going to become better. Your grades are gonna come up & you're gonna kick ass at states!" I don't really believe I'm gonna do great at states, but I was on a positive mantra so I really couldn't be negative. I just want things to go my way for once.

"Love you kiddo!" Kim says in a groggy, half-asleep tone.

I didn't know she was awake, I quickly quiet down. I wonder how much she heard of my self-motivated speech!

"Love you too Mama Kim."

I hear her gasp, almost as if she's just done the polar plunge in the midst of winter. I'm thankful for her, it's good to have someone besides your family care about you.

I roll over on my side facing her, "how do you stop being the victim?" I asked. She sighs & replies "you don't. You just learn to deal with it." Definitely not the answer I wanted. I don't wanna just deal with it, I want to overcome it & no longer be labeled as the V-word.

The room goes silent again, I can hear Oceans playing in the background, it's soothing. I slowly begin to drift into sleep.

"Hey Annie?"
"Yeah?"
"Do me a favor?"
"Yes ma'am!"
"Whatever you do, please don't enter the guest bedroom at the end of the hall."

& just like that, she was sound asleep.