It's Complicated

Chapter 20: Room

"This is it, this was her room." Kim gets choked up as she begins to talk. "This was my daughter Arabella's room. She was so precious, you would've loved her Annie. She was my pride & joy. She made me proud every single day!" Kim walks over to a picture of her daughter & picks it up. "I remember the day I found out I was pregnant with her I was so happy. Dan & I cried, we cried for a long time."

Kim sat down on the rocking chair in the room & looked around. It was emotional, my heart broke for her. The pictures in the bedroom showed a side of Kim I've never really seen. She looks so happy & peaceful. Kim sniffles as she wipes her tears from her face.

"The day we lost her was rough. I, I really.." She couldn't bring herself to say it. I know what that's like, I've seen it first hand. It isn't to talk about death, it never is. "I questioned myself a lot that day. I blamed myself for it all. I still feel like there's something more I could've done."

I can't help myself from crying. I sit on the floor next to Kim & lean my head against her legs. "What, um, what happened?" I feel uneasy as I ask the question. I want to know what happened, but I don't want to be too invasive.

"I don't know, I didn't want to know." Kim then grabs a box with some of Arabella's clothes, toys, photo books & journals that date back from the day they found out Kim was pregnant until the day she was buried. She grabs a memory book & says, "It's in here. Dan wrote it on the last page. He wrote a note to her. I've never been able to read it." Kim gets choked up. Her eyes are puffy & red, she hands me the notebook she logged her pregnancy in. I flip through the book & read her diary entries.

September 19th:
It's real. It's happening & you'll be here in 2 months Arabella Faith. You're probably wondering where we came up with your name, well Arabella means answered prayer. After the doctors told me I could never have kids, you became my answered prayer. I wished every night that I'd somehow be able to have kids & I got my wish, I got you. Faith comes from the fact that we knew that our faith & devotion to God is what brought you to us. We can't wait to meet you baby girl. I love you.

I try to fight my tears back but I can't. I'm a wreck & immediately start sobbing. My heart breaks for her. I always thought she lived this happy, perfect life but I was wrong. I begin to wonder what could've happened to her; I can't bare to read Dan's letter to her. My heart already aches. I take a moment to look around the room.

It's a soft pink color, with white polka dots on the wall. Her name is monogrammed on the two of the walls. One wall says "Arabella Faith" while the other just has her initials. There are tiny ballerinas everywhere; figurines, toys & mobiles. It's a room suitable for a toddler no older than 3 years old. There's a wall in the room that has black permanent marker on the wall. I walk over to it & trace it with my fingers.

Kim watches me move across the room & laughs out loud. "That's from her 2nd Christmas. I was in here wrapping gifts for Dan & I left the marker in her room as I went to put the gifts under the tree. I came back & found her drawing on her wall." I finally see a smile on Kim's face. "You know, when I first saw it I wanted to cry. My first thought was 'my kid ruined my wall!' I called Dan crying, he laughed & said he would paint over it when he had the time. I eventually laughed it off & remembered how precious these moments would be to look back on 16 years from then."

Kim gets up & opens the closet in the bedroom. She stands there & stares into it. She doesn't say a word, she doesn't make a sound. She looks through the clothes & pulls out a garment bag.