It's Complicated

Chapter 32: Hooray for States!

After the doorbell rings, my mom & Kim quickly scurry downstairs. I know they're probably going to tell Kate I'm up in my room but I don't want to be bothered. I run into my restroom & lock the door. I mean after all, she can't bother me if I'm showering. I stand & look at myself in the mirror, like I usually do. I pick out every flaw I see. I stand staring at my bare body. I notice the pudge on my stomach, my ridiculously small chest, not to mention my humongous thigh muscles. It's all too much. I used to enjoy looking at myself, but now it feels like I'm at a constant battle with myself. Will ever be happy in my own body?

After my shower I go into my closest to look for something to wear. I want something cute & fun but nothing that's tight fitting. I want to be comfortable but not look like a total slob. I have so many options but none of it is what I want, none of it makes me feel alright. After sorting through outfits for what seems like an eternity, I settle for my neon coral Ivory Ella long sleeve paired with light washed jeggings from Abercrombie & my tan Sperry's. It's definitely not the cutest outfit, but it looked somewhat nice on me.

I look at myself in my full length mirror, I know I look decent but it still doesn't make me feel any better. I reluctantly grab my phone & take a mirror picture to post on Instagram. "Hooray for States! Don't worry y'all, I'm fine. It was just a little whiplash! 😘" I post the picture & wait for the flood of comments to come in. I hadn't even check Insta but I knew there were loads of videos going around of me almost killing myself on beam. I try my best to ignore it but sometimes it gets to me. I'm not the best at social media, that's Hayley, it's just hard to pretend I'm happy when I'm not.

I do my makeup & my hair, I should probably go down now & greet Katie, even though I don't want to. I walk down the stairs & see everyone talking in the living room, waiting on me. "Where is everyone?" I ask nervously as I say hello to Mrs. Jill & Mr. Mike. I felt like I'd taken forever but really it was only an hour. "Ryan & Hayley are downstairs playing video games. Katie, Brennan & Zach are outside! Everyone else will be here in a few hours!" My mom says as she sips on her wine with Kim & Jill. Zach? Why was he here?

Walking outside I brace myself for the overwhelming amount of love that Kate is about to give me. As soon as I open the door to walk out she spots me & yells out for me, "Annie! Thank gosh you're okay! I was so worried!" She hugs me tightly as I just stand there. "What's wrong? Are you alright?" I purse my lips & nod my head, she hugs me again & walks away. I know I need to talk to Katie but now isn't the right time. Actually, I don't know if there will ever be a right time. Brennan & Zach are tossing around a baseball, having the time of their lives while Katie is is cheering them on. I won't lie, I'm kind of envious of their happiness. I wish I had that. Katie approaches me, "hey, can we go to the ledge of the dock & talk? It's kind of important!" I can only imagine what she's going to tell me.

As we sit on the dock the sun begins to set & a small breeze rolls in. "I know bringing Zach is kind of weird, but I wanted you to be the first to know that we're going out now!" She's ecstatic & full of joy, she deserves it, she really does! "Oh wow Kate, that's wow, I'm so happy for you!" Her smile goes from ear to ear, I can tell he genuinely makes her happy. "I just, I think he's the one you know. My parents love him, his parents love me. It's all so great. I know I should've told you sooner," no duh, you think? "I just wasn't sure if he liked me back the way I liked him! But I'm glad everything worked out. I mean, he's my first boyfriend, ever!" What isn't there to like about Kate though? She's tan, has pretty eyes, a nice body & not to mention confidence.

Katie begins to stand up from where we're sitting, "Katie —" now is the time to tell her the truth. She looks at Zach while she responds back to me, "what's up? I think Zach is waiting on me." I thought about telling her, I did. But I don't want her pity, especially now that she's got a boyfriend. "Nothing, I'm just, you know, happy for you!" She smiles & runs off into Zach's arms. I remain sitting on the dock scrolling through my phone on Instagram. I checked my latest tagged photos & videos, just as I suspected, a million & one photos of me almost snapping my neck. But, that's not what bothers me the most. What hurts is the comments "fans" keep leaving:

• No wonder it took so long for her to level up, she can't even complete her dismount properly.
• Liv is a much better gymnast than her. She acts like we don't know they aren't friends, but we know & it's all Annie's fault.
• I don't know why she keeps with gymnastics she isn't even good, she's mediocre at best.
• Is it just me or is Annie getting fat again?

I know these aren't the comments I should pay attention to but I couldn't help it. How many people thought these things? How many people feel this way & just pretend to like all the things I do? I would cry, but what's the point? It wouldn't solve anything for me. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to reply back to this comments defending myself but I can't because it would "make us look bad" & wouldn't depict a "happy YouTube family."

I close my Instagram app & check the time, people should be showing up soon. I decide to go back inside to grab a drink, times like these I wish I were an adult so I could drink a glass of wine. Walking toward the house I run into Brennan, things are still awkward between us. I owe him an apology for being mean, but I doubt he'd accept it. Brennan steps back from me, "Wow Annie, you look really pretty tonight! It's good to see you." Brennan doesn't know it, but he's just made my night.