It's Complicated

Chapter 10: Innocence

We walk into the apartment & there are rose petals all on the floor. There's also some of those faux tealight candles placed strategically in the shape of a heart. Music plays softly in the background, I honestly can't even make out what it is that's playing. That's probably also due to the fact that I'm so surprised to see that he went out of his way to make tonight special for me.

"All of this is for me?"

"All for you baby. It's gonna be a night of many firsts. I love you! We're gonna watch movies & cuddle & do whatever else you wanna. There's also a hot tub on the deck, so I hope you packed a bikini!"

"You know as a matter of fact I did. This is all so cute. I love it all. I really do, thanks babe."

Did I really just call him babe? Oh my gosh, I think I just did. I am so overwhelmed with emotions.

We make our way to the couch & decide to watch some Nicholas Sparks movie that I've probably seen a million times. Not only did I watch the movies, I also read the books. The books are always better, there's no denying that. About a half-hour into the movie I can tell Daniel is bored, he's almost about to fall asleep.

I poke him in the stomach.

"Hey, how about we put on our bathing suits & go chill in the hot tub for a while? Get some music ready too! I'll be back in 10 minutes"

"Hell yeah baby! Now you're talking! We're about to have a house party, we don't need nobody!"

I run to the bathroom to put my bathing suit. I'm so excited to be able to be here with Daniel but I'm so nervous because I know that I'm not as experienced with dates as most girls my age. I change into my suit & stare at myself in the mirror.. My bones are showing more than usual, I feel subconscious. I walk out of the bathroom covering my midriff with my arms.

"Wow, you look hot! You're a dime piece babe! Let's have a quick photoshoot because you look gorgeous!"

I naively obliged. No boy has ever given the type of attention or compliments that he has. I love it so much, it's a little weird actually hearing it from him but I know he means it. I do some quirky poses in my bathing suit. He made me feel so great about myself after I felt terrible for a moment. I honestly hadn't felt so great in forever. I kind of felt so refreshed & free of any worries.

We finally make our way to the hot tub,  I began to feel a bit awkward. This is the most physical contact I've ever had with a guy, let alone interest in. Overwhelmed with excitement & giddiness, I slip into the hot tub. Way to go Annie, there's no coming back from that one! As if I didn't already look like a total dweeb for being inexperienced, now I look even worse for falling in.

"You alright there?"
He says it in a joking manner as he tries to keep himself from laughing.

"Yep, totally. My middle name isn't Grace for no reason."

Face palm Annie, face palm. I was making a total goof out of myself. I can feel my cheeks getting flushed, my face gets hot. I'm so frustrated with myself that I begin to cry.

Daniel moves towards me, grabs my face & wipes my tears. In this moment, everything feels alright.

"You know everything's fine, right? You don't need to overthink anything. It's just you & me, no one else is here. Just breathe."

I squeeze my eyes tight. Deep breath in & out, I wipe the tears that keep falling off my face. Why was I overthinking? Why was I being such a goof?

"It's just frustrating. This is the first time I've hung out with a guy like this & I just wanted to impress you. I've never done this before & I didn't wanna seem like a total noob, but I guess I already ruined that one!"

I feel the tears begin to fall down my face again, why can't I control my emotions for once in my life?

"You know I like you. Actually, I love you. I love you Annie. You're perfect the way you are. You're not a noob & even if you were one, you'd be my noob."

I laugh. It's cute, in a cheesy way. I know he likes me, but he loves me? What the heck? I felt like there could be a connection but dropping the L-word seemed like it was moving too fast.

"Aw, I like you too. I really do. But I think saying that you love me is a little far fetched."

"No Annie, I love you. Don't you feel the connection between us? It's inevitable. I want you to be mine. I really want this."

"Of course there's a connection, I definitely feel it. I'd like to be yours eventually, but why rush into things?"

"You feel it too, so why deny it? We don't know what tomorrow holds, we don't know if we'll even wake up from our sleep. We have to live in the moment, that's why. Julianna Grace, I love you & I want you to be my girlfriend!"

As much as I don't want to admit it, he's right. We're not promised tomorrow. I don't wanna miss the opportunity especially because I have the chance now. He's right, he's always right.

"I suppose that's true. Can I be honest? I've felt like I've loved since a few days after meeting you. I didn't know if at first it was because of the attention or the actual affection I felt for you, but now I know. I love you Daniel & I would happily be your girlfriend!"

He grabs me by the waist & begins kissing me. One thing leads to another & before I know we're making out. It's nice. Everything felt like we were in a fairytale, one I never wanted to finish. He kisses me on the forehead & begins to get out of the hot tub, he holds his hand out & tells me to follow him. My heart is all gushy, everything is surreal & I feel like I'm watching from the outside.

I get out of the hot tub & grab a towel & wrap it around my body. Daniel walks around towards the light switch & dims down the lights & puts on some weird playlist. The music is soft & sensual as it plays throughout the apartment. He goes to the bedroom & calls me in.

I walk into the room to find him on the bed, inviting me to cuddle. How could I not? I climb into bed & lay next to him. I lay on my right side & he lies in his left, we can see each other face to face. He puts his one hand on my hip & the other caresses my face. I have one hand on my chest, as I use the other to play with Daniel's hair.

He pulls me in closer & we begin to kiss again. There's sparks. This time it feels more special, more intimate, I don't want it to end. I close my eyes & I'm in a different realm with him, it's just us, doing our own thing. I smile hard, my face is beginning to hurt but I don't care because I'm finally happy for once.

"Let's do it. I love you & I think it's time."

My fantasy moment is interrupted. I let go of my smile & begin to make a confused face.

"Um, excuse me, what!?"

"Let's do it. I love you. Come on baby! It's what couples do when they love each other & you love me don't you?"

"I guess that's true. I do love you."

I close my eyes. I try to swallow whatever saliva is in my mouth but my mouth feels so dry. I'm nervous. I know exactly what's happening, but I can't believe this is actually happening. I squeeze my eyes shut so hard they begin to hurt. My eyes are watery again & before I realize everything is over & done. I let out a silent cry. I roll over to my left side, so I no longer face him, & cry some more. I wipe my tears as I faintly hear:
"I love you baby, that was nice!"

I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. All my innocence is gone, I don't recognize the person I've become. I no longer see my friends, I'm always lying, I can't deal with this. I lost the last piece of me that I still had control over. I feel broken inside, but I loved him & he loved me, right?