Song of my heart

Epilogue: a letter to Lucy Cole

"We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other everywhere."

            - Tim McGraw

________________________________________________________

Dear Mum,                                                                                                                     16/4/2027

It's been a while.

Almost 12 years since I found out you were dead.

I brought you flowers. I remember you always had tulips on the kitchen counter when I was a kid. If you could see them now, I hope they'd make you smile.

I'm so sorry I haven't come to visit you before. I don't know why it's taken me this long. I could lie and say that with eight world tours and five albums, I just haven't found the time, but you always hated it when I lied. So I'm going to tell the truth. Even if it makes me sound like the worst son and the biggest ass hole around.

I was angry. I was angry and I blamed you. I was angry at you for leaving me and I blamed you for the abuse I got from Dad because of you. I thought you didn't care about me at all. But the truth was, you cared too much.

When I got the phone call from St. John of God hospital telling me that my mother had passed away from a sever battle with lung cancer, I honestly thought they had the wrong guy. There must be more then one Jesse Cole around right? Right? But no. It was me they were looking for. It didn't make any sense. Why would my mother, the woman who left me to fend for myself six years ago want me to know she was dead. How did she have any idea where to find me? It wasn't until they showed me a photo of you when I went to collect your  few things from the hospital that I believed them. Even though you were sick, you were still smiling. That one smile that Dad used to be able to talk about without smashing something. I will admit I went through nothing of your stuff. I boxed it all up with three boxes and put them right at the top of my wardrobe in my apartment, right at the back so I wouldn't have to look at them.

When I got the letter from you, I didn't want to read it. I almost tore it up. But Maxine stopped me. She grabbed onto my hand and pried the letter out of my fingers, telling me to stop and think about what I was going to do, even if just for a second. She told me I'd regret it if I tore it up. And like always she was right. Now, 12 years later, I'm so glad that I didn't tear it up. You have Maxine to thank for that Mum. You'd love her. She's exsactly your kind of person. She's smart, she's kind, she's compassionate she's loyal and she's beautiful. So, so beautiful. She loves reading too. I still remember the first time I found her crying over a book. It was You Before Me by Jojo Moyes I think. We'd been dating for three years by then. It's now been 14 years and I've finally managed to put a ring on her finger. We were away on holiday back home in Australia when I proposed. We were married two years later. I love her so much Mum. After reading your letter and finding out why you really left, I really wish you could have met her. I can just see you two singing karaoke together or baking chocolate cookies on New Year's Eve. She's my girl Mum.

She was the one who taught me to forgive you. Her father, Isaac Waters was a very controlling man. He never used to let her do anything, keeping her on a very tight leash, always on her back about what she could and couldn't do. He was awful to her, but she still forgave him. I remember, the night before our wedding he came to see her. He was crying when she opened the door, begging her to forgive him for how he'd treated her. I wanted to slam the door shut in his face and call surcurity, but like always, Maxine stopped me. She opened the door again, took her father's arm and took him up stairs for a bath, wanting to calm him down. And when he came back down and they sat in the living room together, she forgave him. And after she forgave him, she asked him something.

She asked him if he would give her away.

That was the moment Mum. When I saw my brave Jellybean forgive the man who had crushed her dreams and was horrible to her all her childhood, I read your letter. I read about how you found out you had cancer and how you had to leave because you and dad couldn't afford the medical bills. About how you left so Dad could still pay the way for me to go to uni and do what I wanted to do with my life. Unfortunately, that didn't go as planned as Dad spent all the money on alcohol and drugs and almost killed me because of it. But I don't blame you any more Mum. I don't blame you and I need you to know that.

So I decided to write you a letter. I'm still not sure why. Maybe I'll put it on your grave, which is where I'm sitting right now, on a bench near your tombstone. Or maybe I'll wrap it in a pretty purple ribbon (your favourite colour) and put it in a draw with some of your old things. I don't know. I just feel like if I write it down, everything I say and everything I mean will stay forever.

I wrote a song about you. It's called Silver Lining. It hasn't been released yet, but it will be on our next album. You remember Oliver and Noah James don't you Mum? They used to live down the road from us. They're in Heartbeat with me. Noah is married now to a girl called Jena. She was a highschool friend of Maxine's and the two are still joined at the hip. They have a one year old baby boy called Sean. He's the funniest kid you'll ever see. He's the splitting image of Noah. Oliver is engaged to his girlfriend of five years, Ali. She's a sweet girl with a quiet personality. In other words, she's perfect for Oliver. Then, we'll all be married.

Jellybean is calling. She's been at the studio all day recording for her next album, Breath. She wants me to pick up some pizza for dinner on the way home. I should probably do that as soon as I can. You know what pregnant woman are like Mum. Good news? I'm going to be a Dad.

The last ultrasound said they were twins. A boy and a girl. We've named them Spencer, for the girl and Alfie for the boy. I actually can't wait. I've really always wanted to be a Dad, but I was always scared I was going to end up like my father.

"You are not your father." Maxine said to me when I told her. "You are you. You make your own decisions." And she was right. I am not my father. And I will do anything to protect my children. I already love them so much Mum. And I've only seen ultrasound photos. I can almost hear you squealing.

It's time to say goodbye now. But it's only for now. I like talking to you again Mum. I've missed telling you everything.

I love you and I promise I'll write again soon.

Your son

Jesse Cole